I am still smiling about my daughter’s wedding weekend, but first rewind time to Thanksgiving weekend. I was physically and mentally at my worst. I had seen Aubri and Bryan for a few minutes in the hospital, but on Sunday as they drove through snowy roads back to Provo, I was mourning the fact that the timing of my illness would cause me to miss my daughter’s wedding. I prayed, asking for comfort, knowing there was a reason for it all. Monday night I had a blessing that my ear ache and fever would calm down and I would be calm and able to sleep. I did, and the next day, (Nov. 30), the Dr. felt I was well enough to be released.
At that time my goal was to attend her small wedding on Saturday (Dec. 18) and with my family’s help, it was looking like a go. Then, two days before the wedding I saw my Dr. and she said I was doing so well that I should attend everything. To be honest, this caught me off guard and I looked at Mark, questioning this. Was I really ready to come out into the world? After five months of pajama’s or hospital gowns this was a scarey prospect.
I knew the Lord had provided this miracle for me and I prayed for the faith to move forward. It was an amazing weekend from beginning to end and I needed it to bring closure to my life with Aubri as my single daughter.
I was able to attend the wedding dinner Fri. night, which the Blacker family presented beautifully. I had fully intended to be there via skype and had typed out my advice to the couple for Mark to read. I was able to sit at the table with his parents, next to Aubri, and deliver my thoughts in person. The love of family from both sides was very strong.
The wedding was Sat. at 12:45 in the LDS Temple. It was a small group of family in a room filled with love and eternity. I was able to be in a wheelchair and sit next to Aubri again. The love that filled their eyes was deep and forever. I needed to see that. They couldn’t stop smiling, or keep their eyes off one another. A new link in my posterity was formed.
One of the special parts of the whole weekend was being able to help her dress, and lace up the back of her wedding gown, at least three times, for pictures, wedding, and reception. Just one of those many things I will remember forever. She was healthy and able to stay here, which we had prayed for. Russell was also able to come from Nashville and took over as my care-giver for the week. Mark was a key player in the wedding planning and I was able to see Alisa and my granddaughters finally after many weeks.
My energy was running low, but I was so excited to be able to attend the reception in person. I participated in pictures, then sat at a far table to observe for a while. It was a gift of love to me and my family how everything came together, from decorations, food, set up and clean up, to all the little details you take for granted at others’ receptions. Thanks to all of you who helped in anyway. Thanks, also, to those who attended on this very busy Saturday night. I could just feel the love and support in that room.
I can’t express enough thanks to my Savior and Heavenly Father for their love and strength that allowed me to do this. I know miracles still happen and I was part of one.
“For with God, nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, ‘Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word’.” (Luke 1:37-38)
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
HO HO HOME Again!
It’s been a whole week I have been home now and I finally have enough energy to begin my blog again. I was greeted at home by my mother and sisters, with a big, warm red robe for around the house and a big, white one to cuddle into after my showers. There have been two of them around day and night for the past week, and they have not stopped a minute. I thank them and other friends who totally cleaned my living area to make it germ free. Sometimes between my care givers’ cleaning and specific food prep we will watch a Hallmark Christmas movie together. At one of those times Kathy remarked that it was like ‘Little Women’ and we were stuck inside for the winter.
I checked out of the hospital after 26 days. This is about average for many patients, but shorter for others. I usually had a family member visit me each day, which was a blessing, but many of the hours seemed to go very slowly. They had a TV in my room and a big library of dvd’s, but my vision was too blurry to watch anything. I was happy to have Kathy’s laptop, but my fingers/mind wouldn’t work right. So I did a lot of pondering and visiting (talking out loud) with the Lord. He understands chemo brain. (Kind of like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, minus the dramatics). I tried to keep the thoughts positive and a big bulletin board of family pictures directly in front of my bed helped with that. That was my focus and brought up many fun conversations about my beautiful family and the upcoming wedding.
One world record I might have broken was that I ate cooked oatmeal with a half cut up washed banana in it, three meals a day for the entire 26 days. It worked for me. There were times I could barely swallow and my mouth sores were so bad, that the soft texture would just slide down. It agreed with my taste buds and stayed down most of the time. I didn’t have to decide what I wanted each meal. Some days I would eat a few bites, and other days, more. Some of the nurses teased me about my diet, but I didn’t have to be fed via IV tube.
Some things I took for granted again and now realize that I’m home: I can flush the toilet. They had to measure every drop in and out of me, so I never got to flush. My dad was the hero when he bought me some very soft toilet paper. Theirs was so thin, you could see through it. I also get to brush with a real toothbrush. I could only use sponge ones there so my mouth wouldn’t bleed. I also have a heater in my bathroom I can control during my showers.
My goal now is to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding (sealing) on the afternoon of the 18th. It may be with wheelchair, gloves, masks, and maybe just parents, but it will be worth it. The Dr.’s think this can work, so I’m trying to do more water drinking, walking, getting out in the sun each day, and doing back exercises. Keep in mind these are approx. 5 minute activities, then I rest after each strenuous output. Ha.
My dad is also helping out by (not only sharing mom with me daily) but he calls me each day with some jokes to make me laugh. He said that’s the best medicine.
I have returned to the hospital 3 times since my release so they can check labs and give IV’s if needed. Today there was a man who looked pretty good, so I asked if he had been through this process. He said it had been 8 years ago, but he told the Dr. it was the best thing that had happened to him. Wow, just what I needed to hear as I strive for patience with little improvements each day.
It has been a miraculous process to witness. The old skin peeled off my hands and I have watched the new cells form baby soft skin. The same is happening in my mouth and other unseen areas. Such a cleansing and renewal is taking place! My hope is that my heart will also be stripped of hard, old cells, and impurities removed, replaced with Christlike love. That would be the true miracle . . . but that is already available to everyone through the atonement!
I checked out of the hospital after 26 days. This is about average for many patients, but shorter for others. I usually had a family member visit me each day, which was a blessing, but many of the hours seemed to go very slowly. They had a TV in my room and a big library of dvd’s, but my vision was too blurry to watch anything. I was happy to have Kathy’s laptop, but my fingers/mind wouldn’t work right. So I did a lot of pondering and visiting (talking out loud) with the Lord. He understands chemo brain. (Kind of like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, minus the dramatics). I tried to keep the thoughts positive and a big bulletin board of family pictures directly in front of my bed helped with that. That was my focus and brought up many fun conversations about my beautiful family and the upcoming wedding.
One world record I might have broken was that I ate cooked oatmeal with a half cut up washed banana in it, three meals a day for the entire 26 days. It worked for me. There were times I could barely swallow and my mouth sores were so bad, that the soft texture would just slide down. It agreed with my taste buds and stayed down most of the time. I didn’t have to decide what I wanted each meal. Some days I would eat a few bites, and other days, more. Some of the nurses teased me about my diet, but I didn’t have to be fed via IV tube.
Some things I took for granted again and now realize that I’m home: I can flush the toilet. They had to measure every drop in and out of me, so I never got to flush. My dad was the hero when he bought me some very soft toilet paper. Theirs was so thin, you could see through it. I also get to brush with a real toothbrush. I could only use sponge ones there so my mouth wouldn’t bleed. I also have a heater in my bathroom I can control during my showers.
My goal now is to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding (sealing) on the afternoon of the 18th. It may be with wheelchair, gloves, masks, and maybe just parents, but it will be worth it. The Dr.’s think this can work, so I’m trying to do more water drinking, walking, getting out in the sun each day, and doing back exercises. Keep in mind these are approx. 5 minute activities, then I rest after each strenuous output. Ha.
My dad is also helping out by (not only sharing mom with me daily) but he calls me each day with some jokes to make me laugh. He said that’s the best medicine.
I have returned to the hospital 3 times since my release so they can check labs and give IV’s if needed. Today there was a man who looked pretty good, so I asked if he had been through this process. He said it had been 8 years ago, but he told the Dr. it was the best thing that had happened to him. Wow, just what I needed to hear as I strive for patience with little improvements each day.
It has been a miraculous process to witness. The old skin peeled off my hands and I have watched the new cells form baby soft skin. The same is happening in my mouth and other unseen areas. Such a cleansing and renewal is taking place! My hope is that my heart will also be stripped of hard, old cells, and impurities removed, replaced with Christlike love. That would be the true miracle . . . but that is already available to everyone through the atonement!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thanksgiving Week
I am dictating this blog as Mark types it so I wouldn't get too far behind. It has been 17 days since the transplant and they call these "positive days" because your body is creating all new cells. Despite a few small feverish temperatures, I have done well and have been able to sit up at times watching the Black Friday sales on my laptop.
Aubri and her fiance, Bryan, were able to drive down from BYU for Thanksgiving. The family ate at Judy's house and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I can honestly say that a half a bowl of Cheerios did not make the day my best Thanksgiving ever, but being able to Skype with the family helped. I really didn't have much of an appetite for anything other than Cheerios anyway.
Aubri was able to go through the Temple with family in preparation for her wedding in December. Aubri also had her bridal shower yesterday (Saturday) and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I was able to watch her open her grown-up cooking "toys" now. The shower was beautiful and took a lot of work from family and friends. Even though I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Aubri and Bryan personally, it was good to know that they were here.
My mother, sisters, and Ward friends spent the week making my house germ and dust free for my return. They spent many hours removing draperies and any dust catchers, and having the carpets and air ducts cleaned. It may not be too long until I get to enjoy it.
Aubri and her fiance, Bryan, were able to drive down from BYU for Thanksgiving. The family ate at Judy's house and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I can honestly say that a half a bowl of Cheerios did not make the day my best Thanksgiving ever, but being able to Skype with the family helped. I really didn't have much of an appetite for anything other than Cheerios anyway.
Aubri was able to go through the Temple with family in preparation for her wedding in December. Aubri also had her bridal shower yesterday (Saturday) and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I was able to watch her open her grown-up cooking "toys" now. The shower was beautiful and took a lot of work from family and friends. Even though I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Aubri and Bryan personally, it was good to know that they were here.
My mother, sisters, and Ward friends spent the week making my house germ and dust free for my return. They spent many hours removing draperies and any dust catchers, and having the carpets and air ducts cleaned. It may not be too long until I get to enjoy it.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
100 Days and Counting!
I am Judy, Karen's sister. She has asked that I post her blog this week as she has been a little "hooked" up. I say that in the most literal of terms! Friday, Nov. 5, Karen entered the City Of Hope Cancer Center. This has become her home away from home for the next month. She truly couldn't be in better hands for what she is going through. We spent all day Friday visiting with a steady stream of all the Dr.'s, nurses, therapists, and dieticians who would be involved with her care. We were both so amazed at the time each person took to get to know her. As she said, "I think I'm the only person in this hospital". It was a great beginning to a long journey.
The Dr.'s and nurses are very proactive with every treatment. The first chemo drug (given Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights) could cause seizures and so Karen spent Thursday before going in, downing 8 pills to help prevent this. (And it did.) She was hooked up 12 hours before the chemo began to anti-nausea medication and Benedryl to calm her and prevent a rash. These have become an on-going part of the many medications she is taking to prevent some of worst side-effects. Monday and Wednesday she endured two of the strongest chemo drugs that are ever given. Each were 20 times stronger than any she had been given before. Nausea began immediately and also extreme back pain. Morphine was given to try to ease the pain but increased her nausea. Karen never complains or carries on. She is amazing in every way in how she endures treatment after treatment. Here is a statement I know I will never hear again and could only hear it from Karen. As I was holding her bed pan she said, "throwing up with chemo isn't as bad as being sick. It's just part of the process."
As Thursday came and we celebrated Veteran's Day, I told Karen that she is my greatest and bravest hero! She is going to win this battle, I have no doubt. Your faith, prayers, and fasting are literally holding her up through this. As I went in Monday I hadn't had much sleep the night before and was so worried whether or not I could hold up for her. Through the day I felt the strength and energy I needed and even when she was resting I stayed awake and read. As I got in my car 12 hours later to drive home I almost collapsed with exhaustion! I got home and pondered on this and realized that there is strength with her in that room that had sustained me as well as her. She is certainly not fighting this battle alone. I was able to share that thought with her as I returned the next day. She feels that strength also.
Friday was Day 0- day of the stem cell transplant. Her son Mark and I were both there for this exciting event! We learned a few more amazing blessings that Karen has received. Because she was so successful in her stem cell harvest, it only took one time and 3 bags to collect the needed 2 million stem cells to do the infusion. Each bag takes about 5-6 minutes total from thawing to infusing. With only 3 bags, Karen's went really smooth and quickly. We found out that some other patients have taken up to 16 bags to retrieve the needed cells and their infusion can takes a few hours. It was amazing to watch as each bag was taken from the freezer, to thawing water, through the hands of 2 nurses and hooked up and into Karen. With each infusion she would feel the cold blood in her veins- it burned a little and made her cough. Then as soon as the bag was empty, the symptoms stopped. They had told her that she would emit a smell like creamed corn (from the preservative in the stem cells). It was true! She smelled of it all day long. I will never be able to open a can of creamed corn again without thinking of that day.
So, she began what is known as the 100 day count down to living close to normal again. It will take that long for all her cells to regenerate and for her body to be able to once again fight infection. I have learned that fighting cancer is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It is fought and won by the most determined, strong souls ever to live. In a quote from Elder Maxwell in his biography he said, "Sometimes the Lord hastens His work in our spiritual development by a compression of experiences... Sometimes the best people... have the worst experiences... because they are the most ready to learn." That is Karen. I can just see her choosing this experience for what she could learn:).
I will end with a Karen funny. Mark had come for a few hours one day (he comes for a few hours everyday and is a wonderful son!) and so I decided to go out shopping. We were whispering because Karen seemed to be in a deep sleep and a nurse was adding new meds to her IV. I asked Mark if he knew where Last Chance was. Out of her chemo coma Karen pipes in with "I know the address, it's 20th and Camelback". Mark and I just looked at each other and laughed. She is more on top of things with her chemo brain than I am on any given day! She is amazing!
This is a bag of her stem cells on their way into her!
The Dr.'s and nurses are very proactive with every treatment. The first chemo drug (given Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights) could cause seizures and so Karen spent Thursday before going in, downing 8 pills to help prevent this. (And it did.) She was hooked up 12 hours before the chemo began to anti-nausea medication and Benedryl to calm her and prevent a rash. These have become an on-going part of the many medications she is taking to prevent some of worst side-effects. Monday and Wednesday she endured two of the strongest chemo drugs that are ever given. Each were 20 times stronger than any she had been given before. Nausea began immediately and also extreme back pain. Morphine was given to try to ease the pain but increased her nausea. Karen never complains or carries on. She is amazing in every way in how she endures treatment after treatment. Here is a statement I know I will never hear again and could only hear it from Karen. As I was holding her bed pan she said, "throwing up with chemo isn't as bad as being sick. It's just part of the process."
As Thursday came and we celebrated Veteran's Day, I told Karen that she is my greatest and bravest hero! She is going to win this battle, I have no doubt. Your faith, prayers, and fasting are literally holding her up through this. As I went in Monday I hadn't had much sleep the night before and was so worried whether or not I could hold up for her. Through the day I felt the strength and energy I needed and even when she was resting I stayed awake and read. As I got in my car 12 hours later to drive home I almost collapsed with exhaustion! I got home and pondered on this and realized that there is strength with her in that room that had sustained me as well as her. She is certainly not fighting this battle alone. I was able to share that thought with her as I returned the next day. She feels that strength also.
Friday was Day 0- day of the stem cell transplant. Her son Mark and I were both there for this exciting event! We learned a few more amazing blessings that Karen has received. Because she was so successful in her stem cell harvest, it only took one time and 3 bags to collect the needed 2 million stem cells to do the infusion. Each bag takes about 5-6 minutes total from thawing to infusing. With only 3 bags, Karen's went really smooth and quickly. We found out that some other patients have taken up to 16 bags to retrieve the needed cells and their infusion can takes a few hours. It was amazing to watch as each bag was taken from the freezer, to thawing water, through the hands of 2 nurses and hooked up and into Karen. With each infusion she would feel the cold blood in her veins- it burned a little and made her cough. Then as soon as the bag was empty, the symptoms stopped. They had told her that she would emit a smell like creamed corn (from the preservative in the stem cells). It was true! She smelled of it all day long. I will never be able to open a can of creamed corn again without thinking of that day.
So, she began what is known as the 100 day count down to living close to normal again. It will take that long for all her cells to regenerate and for her body to be able to once again fight infection. I have learned that fighting cancer is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It is fought and won by the most determined, strong souls ever to live. In a quote from Elder Maxwell in his biography he said, "Sometimes the Lord hastens His work in our spiritual development by a compression of experiences... Sometimes the best people... have the worst experiences... because they are the most ready to learn." That is Karen. I can just see her choosing this experience for what she could learn:).
I will end with a Karen funny. Mark had come for a few hours one day (he comes for a few hours everyday and is a wonderful son!) and so I decided to go out shopping. We were whispering because Karen seemed to be in a deep sleep and a nurse was adding new meds to her IV. I asked Mark if he knew where Last Chance was. Out of her chemo coma Karen pipes in with "I know the address, it's 20th and Camelback". Mark and I just looked at each other and laughed. She is more on top of things with her chemo brain than I am on any given day! She is amazing!
This is a bag of her stem cells on their way into her!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
We're Off!
The news is all good from my Dr. visit Tuesday. I am in remission and cancer free and able to move forward. Following our short visit with the Dr., we spent 2 hours with the consent nurse signing paperwork describing the bad effects from the chemo and transplant. Mark asked the key question as to why we do this if I am in remission? She responded that the Dr. feels there is a likely chance that it will reoccur and this is the only way for a 60-70% cure. I realized today that I could stop all this and start living again, but it would be a life of fear living from petscan to petscan to see if the cancer had returned. I believe that’s why I have felt guided to make this complete journey.
Mark then asked how they know they got good stem cells and not cancerous ones again. They believe the stem cells they took are good ones, because the bad ones are too weak to make it through the process. They are going to totally wipe me out with their chemo so my body cannot make blood until they reinfuse the stem cells on Friday, the 12th. Then they watch me closely for the next 9-11 days when the wbc finally start to increase, followed by the red blood cells, and last the platelets. During this time they will be giving me transfusions of red cells and platelets, and shots to help the wbc, but I will be very prone to infection, so they will be watching that closely.
I will be visually impaired, confused, intoxicated, and experience amnesia much of the time, but hey, maybe that will help me endure the process. Beyond that . . . you don’t want to know. It will truly be a time when I will be living close to the veil and feeling of the Lord’s strength sustaining me.
Final word has been given to start the chemo tomorrow so I will receive 3 different chemicals until Fri., the 12th, when my stems cells will be reinfused. I have 3 bags of stem cells. It’s a big process involving many people, and everything has to be ready to infuse once the bag is thawed, because it only has 10 min. to go in before the cells start dying. Then they wait a little while and continue with the other 2 bags. It will be cold and because of the preservative they are in, I will smell like cream corn.
They anticipate that I will be in the hospital until the first part of Dec., then home with 24/7 care for 2 weeks, barring no bad infections.
During my last ‘free’ days this week, my sisters bought me lunch, both being meals that I had been craving and even envisioned during my petscan because I was so hungry, (fries and a chocolate shake from In and Out with chicken nuggets from Chick filet, and Sbarros spinach-mushroom pizza), walked around the lake at the Riparian Preserve, and sat under the trees at my favorite water spot there. Last night I watched the 1953 movie, The Robe, with my mother, since I had just finished the book, but felt like it was the Reader’s Digest condensed version, leaving out the best parts. I was glad I had read the book first because it was so much better and spiritually uplifting. I will end the day on a fun note by watching Toy Story 3 tonight.
I have mixed feelings today, with anticipation being the strongest. I am ready to start this final lap and calm about everything overall, but pacing, just the same. Once I start, I will turn my body and spirit over to the Lord and know that He will be close. I truly feel strength from the love, prayers, and support from all my family and friends.
Mark then asked how they know they got good stem cells and not cancerous ones again. They believe the stem cells they took are good ones, because the bad ones are too weak to make it through the process. They are going to totally wipe me out with their chemo so my body cannot make blood until they reinfuse the stem cells on Friday, the 12th. Then they watch me closely for the next 9-11 days when the wbc finally start to increase, followed by the red blood cells, and last the platelets. During this time they will be giving me transfusions of red cells and platelets, and shots to help the wbc, but I will be very prone to infection, so they will be watching that closely.
I will be visually impaired, confused, intoxicated, and experience amnesia much of the time, but hey, maybe that will help me endure the process. Beyond that . . . you don’t want to know. It will truly be a time when I will be living close to the veil and feeling of the Lord’s strength sustaining me.
Final word has been given to start the chemo tomorrow so I will receive 3 different chemicals until Fri., the 12th, when my stems cells will be reinfused. I have 3 bags of stem cells. It’s a big process involving many people, and everything has to be ready to infuse once the bag is thawed, because it only has 10 min. to go in before the cells start dying. Then they wait a little while and continue with the other 2 bags. It will be cold and because of the preservative they are in, I will smell like cream corn.
They anticipate that I will be in the hospital until the first part of Dec., then home with 24/7 care for 2 weeks, barring no bad infections.
During my last ‘free’ days this week, my sisters bought me lunch, both being meals that I had been craving and even envisioned during my petscan because I was so hungry, (fries and a chocolate shake from In and Out with chicken nuggets from Chick filet, and Sbarros spinach-mushroom pizza), walked around the lake at the Riparian Preserve, and sat under the trees at my favorite water spot there. Last night I watched the 1953 movie, The Robe, with my mother, since I had just finished the book, but felt like it was the Reader’s Digest condensed version, leaving out the best parts. I was glad I had read the book first because it was so much better and spiritually uplifting. I will end the day on a fun note by watching Toy Story 3 tonight.
I have mixed feelings today, with anticipation being the strongest. I am ready to start this final lap and calm about everything overall, but pacing, just the same. Once I start, I will turn my body and spirit over to the Lord and know that He will be close. I truly feel strength from the love, prayers, and support from all my family and friends.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Did I Pass?
The week before Halloween was full of interesting tests for me. There were vampires lurking at every corner of that hospital. Luckily most of the blood they needed was acquired through my port lines. On Tuesday I had a CT scan where I had to drink that lovely, thick white goop. I think that is the main reason they ask you to fast before, so it becomes somewhat tolerable on an empty stomach. That test was followed by a heart scan to see how my heart has held up to the chemo so far.
Wednesday I fasted again for the whole-body Pet scan. This will determine what is left of the cancer, if any. The techs were really trying to make it a good experience for me even though they strapped me to the table and put tape across my forehead to hold it in place. I told them their drink tasted like a Dairy Queen treat compared to the day before. This was one test where I have practiced enough of the mind over matter ‘Yoda’ stuff that when I got itches during the 30 minutes, I told myself it really didn’t itch.
Thursday was my pulmonary lung test to see how my lungs will hold up to their chemo. I was in a small decompression chamber for an hour doing different kinds of breathing. At the end of these tests, all they do is thank you and smile and not give a hint of how you did. Only the Dr. can tell you about them.
So, tomorrow is the big Dr. meeting where she will go over the tests with me to see what the next plan is. Hopefully it is to move forward with their chemo and then the transplant. I can tell my body is stronger because I am able to walk on the treadmill longer each day, and I feel like starting the day in my shoes instead of my slippers. My appetite is good and I have gained weight rather than lose it.
I met an elevator angel on the first day I was there last week. We were in the patient elevator together, but she was being wheeled in a bed. She was older, but had a twinkle in her eyes. I knew because of her duck mask and cap that she was ‘one of us’, so I said I was going to give her a clap. The elevator man told me she was going home the next day. I told her that deserved two claps. She said, “Yes, it had been 24 days!”
The next day I met her again, waiting for the same elevator, only this time she was dressed and in a wheelchair pushed by her husband. I got excited for her again as we talked about her going home. In the elevator she turned to me and said, “It’s not as bad as you think, they take good care of you.” Then she looked at me and said, “keep up your spirits!” It was just what I needed to hear that day!
From there I went to the waiting room, where I saw a younger gal going into a room and saying hello to the receptionists, like she was familiar with the place. While she was making an appt. I noticed how good she looked with her long hair, make-up, and overall look. I asked her if she had been through all this? “Yes,” she said, “62 days!” Wow, I said, you look great. (They had told us it would probably take about 100 days from transplant to get back to life, and I was thinking, wow, if she can do it, I can, too.) She went to get ice and when she returned I asked her what kind of cancer? She told me leukemia and I asked if she used her own cells? “Oh,” she said, “it’s my husband and he’s in there having an IV. He has his good days and bad.” Well, that burst my bubble, but it was fun to laugh about later.
My son, Mark, sent me the following email after the caregiver class: “So Mom, I forgot to tell you that they told us in the caregiver class that once you are released you are not able to receive any more tattoos or body piercings. I know you had had your eye on a tattoo of Sully from Dr. Quinn for your right ankle, but now it will have to wait! Oh the things cancer makes you give up.....”
Oh, but the things I have gained, also: a closeness to my Heavenly Father and Savior that only comes at hard times like this, a greater love and bond with my family members, a greater love for my friends and everyone who is praying for me and giving me of their strength and help. It really is becoming a sacred time for me.
Wednesday I fasted again for the whole-body Pet scan. This will determine what is left of the cancer, if any. The techs were really trying to make it a good experience for me even though they strapped me to the table and put tape across my forehead to hold it in place. I told them their drink tasted like a Dairy Queen treat compared to the day before. This was one test where I have practiced enough of the mind over matter ‘Yoda’ stuff that when I got itches during the 30 minutes, I told myself it really didn’t itch.
Thursday was my pulmonary lung test to see how my lungs will hold up to their chemo. I was in a small decompression chamber for an hour doing different kinds of breathing. At the end of these tests, all they do is thank you and smile and not give a hint of how you did. Only the Dr. can tell you about them.
So, tomorrow is the big Dr. meeting where she will go over the tests with me to see what the next plan is. Hopefully it is to move forward with their chemo and then the transplant. I can tell my body is stronger because I am able to walk on the treadmill longer each day, and I feel like starting the day in my shoes instead of my slippers. My appetite is good and I have gained weight rather than lose it.
I met an elevator angel on the first day I was there last week. We were in the patient elevator together, but she was being wheeled in a bed. She was older, but had a twinkle in her eyes. I knew because of her duck mask and cap that she was ‘one of us’, so I said I was going to give her a clap. The elevator man told me she was going home the next day. I told her that deserved two claps. She said, “Yes, it had been 24 days!”
The next day I met her again, waiting for the same elevator, only this time she was dressed and in a wheelchair pushed by her husband. I got excited for her again as we talked about her going home. In the elevator she turned to me and said, “It’s not as bad as you think, they take good care of you.” Then she looked at me and said, “keep up your spirits!” It was just what I needed to hear that day!
From there I went to the waiting room, where I saw a younger gal going into a room and saying hello to the receptionists, like she was familiar with the place. While she was making an appt. I noticed how good she looked with her long hair, make-up, and overall look. I asked her if she had been through all this? “Yes,” she said, “62 days!” Wow, I said, you look great. (They had told us it would probably take about 100 days from transplant to get back to life, and I was thinking, wow, if she can do it, I can, too.) She went to get ice and when she returned I asked her what kind of cancer? She told me leukemia and I asked if she used her own cells? “Oh,” she said, “it’s my husband and he’s in there having an IV. He has his good days and bad.” Well, that burst my bubble, but it was fun to laugh about later.
My son, Mark, sent me the following email after the caregiver class: “So Mom, I forgot to tell you that they told us in the caregiver class that once you are released you are not able to receive any more tattoos or body piercings. I know you had had your eye on a tattoo of Sully from Dr. Quinn for your right ankle, but now it will have to wait! Oh the things cancer makes you give up.....”
Oh, but the things I have gained, also: a closeness to my Heavenly Father and Savior that only comes at hard times like this, a greater love and bond with my family members, a greater love for my friends and everyone who is praying for me and giving me of their strength and help. It really is becoming a sacred time for me.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Life Without Stem Cells
So, I had my question answered as to how a person would feel without stem cells? No different. I have had a good week, feeling stronger each day. When I feel like wearing my shoes instead of slippers and have the energy to do a little treadmill each day, I know my body is gradually coming back from the chemo and healing.
Only one trip to the hospital this week and that was to treat a UTI, but they were on top of it and started me on the antibiotic even before I left the clinic. Since my body is more susceptible to infections, they wanted to nip it in the bud.
With my daughter getting married mid December, I will not be able to attend her reception since it will be during my critical healing period where I need to avoid as many germs as possible. I had the idea to ask our wedding photographer, Bruce Barnes, if he could take a picture of me now, while I was feeling good, and then paste me into the wedding line shots. He agreed to work with me on this, so I had a fun week preparing for the shoot. Monday, Kathy and I went to the Chandler Hospital Cancer wig room and picked out an updated short, brown wig to wear. These are wigs that people donate to the cancer society. Then my sweet mother spent 4 hours shopping at the mall and bought me a deep purple, sequined jacket to wear with my black skirt. Whoo hoo! It was totally out of my closet comfort zone, but I dressed up and went to the photo shoot on Friday.
We took the pictures in his home with a white background and with his technical knowledge, I’m sure it will look like I’m right there. He took several shots of me at different standing angles, and will choose one, depending on how I will best fit in the line. He took some shots with my wig and then bald. I want a shot to show the real story.
On Friday afternoon my mother, son, two sisters, and a niece spent 3 1/2 hours at the hospital attending a class for caregivers. They received very specific instructions about food preparation, home cleanliness, and care for me once I am home from the transplant. They will pack up everything in my home that can collect dust, all my knickknacks and pictures, clean the carpets, wash the curtains, empty my frig and freezer, to mention a few things. I spent the afternoon during the time they were in the class teary eyed and so grateful for such wonderful family who will give up their afternoon for me. Even now as I write this I feel so blessed and humbled by their love and support. Oh, that everyone would have a chance to feel this!
My tests are scheduled for T/W/Th next week and then I will meet with the Dr. to go over the results and find out when I will begin their chemo. When my case manager showed me the schedule, and I found out I was going to be later starting the next phase than I had expected, rather than look on the positive side that I would be able to be home longer, I was upset at her for being slow about this. Then I remembered that she may be my case manager, but my true guide through this is still in charge and everything will be just right according to His time schedule. I continue to pray that I don’t miss out on what He is trying to teach me. Thanks for all of your prayers and support. I feel it.
Only one trip to the hospital this week and that was to treat a UTI, but they were on top of it and started me on the antibiotic even before I left the clinic. Since my body is more susceptible to infections, they wanted to nip it in the bud.
With my daughter getting married mid December, I will not be able to attend her reception since it will be during my critical healing period where I need to avoid as many germs as possible. I had the idea to ask our wedding photographer, Bruce Barnes, if he could take a picture of me now, while I was feeling good, and then paste me into the wedding line shots. He agreed to work with me on this, so I had a fun week preparing for the shoot. Monday, Kathy and I went to the Chandler Hospital Cancer wig room and picked out an updated short, brown wig to wear. These are wigs that people donate to the cancer society. Then my sweet mother spent 4 hours shopping at the mall and bought me a deep purple, sequined jacket to wear with my black skirt. Whoo hoo! It was totally out of my closet comfort zone, but I dressed up and went to the photo shoot on Friday.
We took the pictures in his home with a white background and with his technical knowledge, I’m sure it will look like I’m right there. He took several shots of me at different standing angles, and will choose one, depending on how I will best fit in the line. He took some shots with my wig and then bald. I want a shot to show the real story.
On Friday afternoon my mother, son, two sisters, and a niece spent 3 1/2 hours at the hospital attending a class for caregivers. They received very specific instructions about food preparation, home cleanliness, and care for me once I am home from the transplant. They will pack up everything in my home that can collect dust, all my knickknacks and pictures, clean the carpets, wash the curtains, empty my frig and freezer, to mention a few things. I spent the afternoon during the time they were in the class teary eyed and so grateful for such wonderful family who will give up their afternoon for me. Even now as I write this I feel so blessed and humbled by their love and support. Oh, that everyone would have a chance to feel this!
My tests are scheduled for T/W/Th next week and then I will meet with the Dr. to go over the results and find out when I will begin their chemo. When my case manager showed me the schedule, and I found out I was going to be later starting the next phase than I had expected, rather than look on the positive side that I would be able to be home longer, I was upset at her for being slow about this. Then I remembered that she may be my case manager, but my true guide through this is still in charge and everything will be just right according to His time schedule. I continue to pray that I don’t miss out on what He is trying to teach me. Thanks for all of your prayers and support. I feel it.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Fall Harvest Miracle
Fall leaves, autumn smells, it’s time to harvest Karen’s cells! I was part of a scientific miracle on Saturday. I received a call Friday afternoon, after visiting the hospital that morning for labwork and another platelet transfusion, telling me that my numbers were good for the first collection and to return at 6:30 a.m. Saturday morning. Another angel friend drove me at the crack of dawn to begin the process and stayed the entire 7 hours.
After drawing my blood to get information for them to prepare the machine, we played the waiting game. Two hours later I went to the 9th floor, designated for kidney patients and stem cell harvesting. I had a great tech who stayed with me the entire process and explained everything very clearly. They used two of my ports to hook me to the machine, one for in and the other for out. I had to lay flat on a bed for 4 hours, except when I got to sit to use a bed pan. (Good thing!)
Kyle helped explain the process so I could share it in my blog. It is actually called a peripheral blood stem cell collection. A Phresis machine collected 230 ml of a combination of my white blood cells, stem cells, and plasma, over a period of 4 hours. The machine separates the blood into different layers. They take out the WBC layer and plasma, and the rest goes back into my body. Then the cryo lab tests it, takes a sample, and it is sent out to another lab to be counted. They add a medicine to the collection and slowly freeze it down. After my chemo, it will be thawed and reinfused. They saved my plasma for possible future use.
During the procedure I also get citrate, an anticoagulant, which binds with calcium in the bloodstream. I had a calcium drip, tums, and milk to drink, to prevent a citrate reaction, but because I am a small body size, I experienced a reaction and needed to have additional calcium. The reaction was a tingling through my body and small shaking as if I were chilled. Kyle kept the situation under control, so it wasn’t too bad. They needed a total of 2 million stem cells and told me I would get a call later to tell me if I needed to return on Monday for another collection. I had met people who had been collected 3 times and one poor man had to do it 7 times. They told me it was unusual to collect the amount needed the first time, so I expected to return on Mon. when Kathy would be with me to see the process.
However . . . . they called and told me they had collected 2.4 million and I was done! I call that a miracle! I came home with a small headache, but thinking about what my body had just been through, this was amazing.
It’s now Sunday morning and I feel great. I have such praise and thankfulness to my Heavenly Father for helping me complete this important part of the process. This also means I can stop the daily shots, yahoo! My chemo will be the end of the month and prior to that I will be having different tests, PetScan, CT scan, and Muga (heart scan).
After drawing my blood to get information for them to prepare the machine, we played the waiting game. Two hours later I went to the 9th floor, designated for kidney patients and stem cell harvesting. I had a great tech who stayed with me the entire process and explained everything very clearly. They used two of my ports to hook me to the machine, one for in and the other for out. I had to lay flat on a bed for 4 hours, except when I got to sit to use a bed pan. (Good thing!)
Kyle helped explain the process so I could share it in my blog. It is actually called a peripheral blood stem cell collection. A Phresis machine collected 230 ml of a combination of my white blood cells, stem cells, and plasma, over a period of 4 hours. The machine separates the blood into different layers. They take out the WBC layer and plasma, and the rest goes back into my body. Then the cryo lab tests it, takes a sample, and it is sent out to another lab to be counted. They add a medicine to the collection and slowly freeze it down. After my chemo, it will be thawed and reinfused. They saved my plasma for possible future use.
During the procedure I also get citrate, an anticoagulant, which binds with calcium in the bloodstream. I had a calcium drip, tums, and milk to drink, to prevent a citrate reaction, but because I am a small body size, I experienced a reaction and needed to have additional calcium. The reaction was a tingling through my body and small shaking as if I were chilled. Kyle kept the situation under control, so it wasn’t too bad. They needed a total of 2 million stem cells and told me I would get a call later to tell me if I needed to return on Monday for another collection. I had met people who had been collected 3 times and one poor man had to do it 7 times. They told me it was unusual to collect the amount needed the first time, so I expected to return on Mon. when Kathy would be with me to see the process.
However . . . . they called and told me they had collected 2.4 million and I was done! I call that a miracle! I came home with a small headache, but thinking about what my body had just been through, this was amazing.
It’s now Sunday morning and I feel great. I have such praise and thankfulness to my Heavenly Father for helping me complete this important part of the process. This also means I can stop the daily shots, yahoo! My chemo will be the end of the month and prior to that I will be having different tests, PetScan, CT scan, and Muga (heart scan).
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Good News!
I was blessed with a great diversion for my mind at this time. My daughter, Aubri, officially announced her engagement to Bryan Blacker from Albuquerque. They have set their date as Dec. 18. As much as I had encouraged her associations with local boys, he is so worth it, no matter where he is from. I first met him during the 4th of July weekend, when he came to Gilbert. I missed him when he left, just like I miss my own children. I am looking forward to having him in our family.
They met last year in their ward at BYU and were family group leaders the first semester. However, I think the real clincher was the anatomy class they had together winter semester. It was not just the class, but everything else that went with it, labs, review sessions, and their own study sessions. Ah, true love.
So, while I am home and between hospital visits, I am having fun exploring leads from friends on websites for photographers, caterers, dresses, flowers, and announcements. Things are starting to come together. I send an email to Aubri and she emails back. What would we do without technology? I may even be attending the reception via Skype, depending on my condition at that time.
After Friday’s visit to the hospital, I will have been there three mornings this week. Mostly for lab work, but when they feel a need, other things, as well. I ended up having platelet transfusions Monday and Wednesday. Yummy yellow. My counts have bottomed out this week, which they had expected, so I had to begin preventive infection measures, which included ending the meal deliveries for now. It has been a good time for me to use the food that I had frozen as extra, so it’s worked out. They are beginning to count my stem cells each draw, then call me the same afternoon to tell me if it’s time for the harvest. I could be doing it on Saturday or Monday early morning. The process is similar to dialysis where the blood is drawn and the cells sorted. They keep the ones they want and I get the others back. Then my cells are frozen until after their chemo.
My sisters each took a short fall break with their families, so I have had a sweet nurse friend come and take over my shot and site dressing while they are gone. I will continue to tell you how this is truly a journey with many angels.
I could be sad about the thought of missing my daughter’s most special time of her life, (and I sometimes let myself go there), but I continue to believe there is a reason to the timing of everything. I have found that those ah-ha moments don’t come until after the fact, if at all. I have given up trying to second guess the Master Planner, for He can see the beginning to the end. I know beyond all doubt that He is aware of each of us and our individual needs.
They met last year in their ward at BYU and were family group leaders the first semester. However, I think the real clincher was the anatomy class they had together winter semester. It was not just the class, but everything else that went with it, labs, review sessions, and their own study sessions. Ah, true love.
So, while I am home and between hospital visits, I am having fun exploring leads from friends on websites for photographers, caterers, dresses, flowers, and announcements. Things are starting to come together. I send an email to Aubri and she emails back. What would we do without technology? I may even be attending the reception via Skype, depending on my condition at that time.
After Friday’s visit to the hospital, I will have been there three mornings this week. Mostly for lab work, but when they feel a need, other things, as well. I ended up having platelet transfusions Monday and Wednesday. Yummy yellow. My counts have bottomed out this week, which they had expected, so I had to begin preventive infection measures, which included ending the meal deliveries for now. It has been a good time for me to use the food that I had frozen as extra, so it’s worked out. They are beginning to count my stem cells each draw, then call me the same afternoon to tell me if it’s time for the harvest. I could be doing it on Saturday or Monday early morning. The process is similar to dialysis where the blood is drawn and the cells sorted. They keep the ones they want and I get the others back. Then my cells are frozen until after their chemo.
My sisters each took a short fall break with their families, so I have had a sweet nurse friend come and take over my shot and site dressing while they are gone. I will continue to tell you how this is truly a journey with many angels.
I could be sad about the thought of missing my daughter’s most special time of her life, (and I sometimes let myself go there), but I continue to believe there is a reason to the timing of everything. I have found that those ah-ha moments don’t come until after the fact, if at all. I have given up trying to second guess the Master Planner, for He can see the beginning to the end. I know beyond all doubt that He is aware of each of us and our individual needs.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Good Sam Hospital Work Begins
Whew. This has been a whirlwind week! I was released from Baywood hosp. on Mon. after the chemo and did better than the other two rounds, which I had hoped. My mother told me she had prayed for a good room for me and she is a woman of much faith. The nurses referred to my room as the corner suite of the 6th floor. It was big and roomy, but the best part was the full length window looking east and south. I actually saw a sunrise one morning. I was also located near the helicopter pad, so heard a few of those takeoff and land. I had a friend once tell me that whenever she heard sirens she would pray for the victims, so I prayed each time one would land.
Tuesday morning my sister, Kathy, and I had a meeting at Good Sam to begin our journey there, running all kinds of bloodwork and tests. The transplant center is the 12th floor and they are their own little entity. No check in needed at any registration desk, up the service elevators (to avoid public as much as possible), and right to a nurse. They gave me a new duck bill mask that I will be wearing which is much tighter, but because it protrudes, my lips don’t touch the material. I quacked at a few others wearing them as we passed. Kathy was briefly instructed on how to give me my daily shot to increase my WBC, then in my belly it went. No orange practice there and she did great.
Wed. Mark took me over for the surgical implant of my new neostar catheter. He was a trooper and said all the right things. Sometimes he worries that because he’s a guy he doesn’t know how to make it better. But he does great! I had a pic line before, tiny, served it’s purpose. Well, the nurses referred to these tubings as garden hoses. Now, that’s exaggerating somewhat, considering the three are flopping out of my chest. That was a bad day getting rid of the anesthesia effects, via throw up bags and nausea, but family was with me through the day and Kathy spent the night while I got my strength back.
Thursday, Kathy and I were back again for her instruction of flushing and daily dressing of my port. Again, quick demo, follow the written instructions, and Kathy was doing me first, and then more practice on a mannequin. If you don’t know Kathy, let me share with you how amazing she is. She felt prompted to begin nursing classes last year because she had seen many nice nurses with my previous care and she wanted to be one of those. She took a class each semester and did terrific! Then she was prompted to hold off this fall. Well, we now see it is because she is enrolled in nursing residency 101 with me! She will come early each morning to take care of me and eventually my other family members will join in 24/7 care at home after the procedure. My other 2 sisters are just as amazing. One will step in with her love and talent, then the other one takes over, and now my parents are back in town to help also. I couldn’t do this without family and friends. It is a commitment for all!
The shots will continue until the Dr. feels I have reached a level for the stem cell harvest, which could be as early as next week. After harvest I wait until the end of the month for their stronger chemo. Not sure how a person feels without their stem cells. Guess I will ask when I return tomorrow for more tests.
My love and gratitude go out to each of you in helping me fight this battle. We’re moving ahead! The Lord is truly blessing me.
Tuesday morning my sister, Kathy, and I had a meeting at Good Sam to begin our journey there, running all kinds of bloodwork and tests. The transplant center is the 12th floor and they are their own little entity. No check in needed at any registration desk, up the service elevators (to avoid public as much as possible), and right to a nurse. They gave me a new duck bill mask that I will be wearing which is much tighter, but because it protrudes, my lips don’t touch the material. I quacked at a few others wearing them as we passed. Kathy was briefly instructed on how to give me my daily shot to increase my WBC, then in my belly it went. No orange practice there and she did great.
Wed. Mark took me over for the surgical implant of my new neostar catheter. He was a trooper and said all the right things. Sometimes he worries that because he’s a guy he doesn’t know how to make it better. But he does great! I had a pic line before, tiny, served it’s purpose. Well, the nurses referred to these tubings as garden hoses. Now, that’s exaggerating somewhat, considering the three are flopping out of my chest. That was a bad day getting rid of the anesthesia effects, via throw up bags and nausea, but family was with me through the day and Kathy spent the night while I got my strength back.
Thursday, Kathy and I were back again for her instruction of flushing and daily dressing of my port. Again, quick demo, follow the written instructions, and Kathy was doing me first, and then more practice on a mannequin. If you don’t know Kathy, let me share with you how amazing she is. She felt prompted to begin nursing classes last year because she had seen many nice nurses with my previous care and she wanted to be one of those. She took a class each semester and did terrific! Then she was prompted to hold off this fall. Well, we now see it is because she is enrolled in nursing residency 101 with me! She will come early each morning to take care of me and eventually my other family members will join in 24/7 care at home after the procedure. My other 2 sisters are just as amazing. One will step in with her love and talent, then the other one takes over, and now my parents are back in town to help also. I couldn’t do this without family and friends. It is a commitment for all!
The shots will continue until the Dr. feels I have reached a level for the stem cell harvest, which could be as early as next week. After harvest I wait until the end of the month for their stronger chemo. Not sure how a person feels without their stem cells. Guess I will ask when I return tomorrow for more tests.
My love and gratitude go out to each of you in helping me fight this battle. We’re moving ahead! The Lord is truly blessing me.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Time stops for no woman!
Have you ever wanted to stop time? The moments I have wished for this were as I was playing with my granddaughters, on vacation with my daughter, all together with my family . . . and this morning as I lay in bed.
Last Sunday I faced one of my most painful days--not physically, but mentally. I found myself in a dark place, a type of depression. I cried. I wanted to curl up and hide. I wanted to throw down that angel statue I had mentioned in a previous blog and break off both her arms raised to the air for courage. (I hid her instead.) The Dr. had prescribed medication for this knowing it was part of the experience, but I had only been taking half dose. I realized that now was a good time to increase it. That night my sister made a special trip to drop off a goodie and while she was lying on the floor resting from a pulled back, and I was ready to kick the couch, we were able to laugh about the day.
This last week family came over to visit, shared lunches with me, and I began to see light again at the end of the tunnel. I’ve felt better each day and had a good week, becoming stronger daily, ready to meet this round beginning on Tuesday. I am entering this chemo with more strength than the other times, believing I will come out stronger to begin the next phase.
I reread a short quote I have posted on my desk, by a past Prophet and President of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley. He said, “Be believing, be happy, don’t be discouraged. Things will work out.”
What more can I say?
Last Sunday I faced one of my most painful days--not physically, but mentally. I found myself in a dark place, a type of depression. I cried. I wanted to curl up and hide. I wanted to throw down that angel statue I had mentioned in a previous blog and break off both her arms raised to the air for courage. (I hid her instead.) The Dr. had prescribed medication for this knowing it was part of the experience, but I had only been taking half dose. I realized that now was a good time to increase it. That night my sister made a special trip to drop off a goodie and while she was lying on the floor resting from a pulled back, and I was ready to kick the couch, we were able to laugh about the day.
This last week family came over to visit, shared lunches with me, and I began to see light again at the end of the tunnel. I’ve felt better each day and had a good week, becoming stronger daily, ready to meet this round beginning on Tuesday. I am entering this chemo with more strength than the other times, believing I will come out stronger to begin the next phase.
I reread a short quote I have posted on my desk, by a past Prophet and President of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley. He said, “Be believing, be happy, don’t be discouraged. Things will work out.”
What more can I say?
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Food Cravings
One of my many joys of being home between chemo treatments is the delicious food that is delivered to my door each evening. It’s like Christmas as I look forward with anticipation to see what the menu is for the night. The food is being shared by my two sisters and many ladies in my church. The only other times I remember being this excited about food was when I was pregnant, nursing, or on a large dose of prednisone for a few months. I would read recipe books as if they were novels. That feeling is back and after hospital food, I love it.
When I got home from chemo number 1, I was very nauseated and had little appetite, but my church friends stepped up to the challenge and brought me the comfort food I had requested; low seasonings, bland, soups, your basic ulcer diet. It was heavenly and just what I needed to strengthen my body. This time home, my taste buds did a 360º turn about and I have been craving regular, seasoned, good old American, Mexican, and Italian food. It took one email to Jessie, my friend who arranges the meals, and the changes have been just that! So good and delicious tasting. I even had a cub scout troup fix me spagetti and homemade rolls last night. Yummo. As I eat by myself, I picture me sitting in a very quiet restaurant eating out.
I am also eating almost hourly, and their meals usually provide the next day’s lunch while I am busy figuring what to eat in between. Such a nice change from the first time. I hope it means my body is bouncing back and will get stronger for the next round.
I was visiting with a friend this week and shared experiences from my previous hospital stays, both good and bad. It wasn’t until later that I realized in a more personal way why my father had not shared his war experiences with our family until the last few years, some 65 years after the war. The mind is powerful and sharing my experiences took me back to those hard moments in the hospital I wanted to forget, but knowing I was going to have to return, made it even more unpleasant. I am trying hard once again to focus on each day, looking for the positives, not reliving the past of this challenge, and not worrying about the future. It’s not easy to do, but if I keep enough good thoughts going in my mind, and find worthwhile things to do, the days are better.
I continue to see the Lord’s hand in this as his earthly angels share their food and love with me.
When I got home from chemo number 1, I was very nauseated and had little appetite, but my church friends stepped up to the challenge and brought me the comfort food I had requested; low seasonings, bland, soups, your basic ulcer diet. It was heavenly and just what I needed to strengthen my body. This time home, my taste buds did a 360º turn about and I have been craving regular, seasoned, good old American, Mexican, and Italian food. It took one email to Jessie, my friend who arranges the meals, and the changes have been just that! So good and delicious tasting. I even had a cub scout troup fix me spagetti and homemade rolls last night. Yummo. As I eat by myself, I picture me sitting in a very quiet restaurant eating out.
I am also eating almost hourly, and their meals usually provide the next day’s lunch while I am busy figuring what to eat in between. Such a nice change from the first time. I hope it means my body is bouncing back and will get stronger for the next round.
I was visiting with a friend this week and shared experiences from my previous hospital stays, both good and bad. It wasn’t until later that I realized in a more personal way why my father had not shared his war experiences with our family until the last few years, some 65 years after the war. The mind is powerful and sharing my experiences took me back to those hard moments in the hospital I wanted to forget, but knowing I was going to have to return, made it even more unpleasant. I am trying hard once again to focus on each day, looking for the positives, not reliving the past of this challenge, and not worrying about the future. It’s not easy to do, but if I keep enough good thoughts going in my mind, and find worthwhile things to do, the days are better.
I continue to see the Lord’s hand in this as his earthly angels share their food and love with me.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
New Twist
Good news--I’m home for about 2 weeks. New twist--stem cell work has been postponed until after a third round of chemo. I thought I would be starting this week, but after communication between doctors, this was the decision they came to. I had a meeting with my Dr., sisters, and son, in the hospital telling us of this on Wed. morning. The night before the meeting I was feeling discouraged because I was thinking something was up. I hadn’t received my daily shot and I knew that was part of the stem cell plan. As I was sitting there trying to figure out how I could move forward and get control of the situation, the third verse of the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation”, came clearly into my mind.
The words are:
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
I was reminded, I AM NOT IN CONTROL! A wiser, loving Father is at the helm and He is guiding my journey right now. This is the best plan for His reasons; I can’t see, but just believe. As much as I was hoping to be through with the chemo at this hospital, I will return for a third round the end of the month. He can see what I can’t. . . and the Doctors can’t. I am using this time now to focus on each day’s opportunities while I am home and not think about the future. I am also eating every hour, and craving spicy foods, no less. I was up at 3 a.m. this morning having a toast. (They don’t offer that in the hospital, however, they did bring me an Ensure milkshake each day at 3 p.m.)
I need to tell you about a gadget my son, Russell, surprised me with, and Mark set up. The hospital has a TV, but an ancient remote that only goes up and down for channels and has a volume dial, no mute. Russ ordered me a techno item called a Slingbox, and had it delivered to Mark. Mark then hooked it up to my DVR at home and then set it up on my laptop at the hospital. I have my home recorded programs AND the remote on my computer screen where I can watch any time I want. I can also skip commercials just like at home and mute. It is amazing.
I am so blessed with loving care from my sisters and family. Sweet friends are bringing me meals again and sending messages of faith, and I’m sleeping in my own bed. What more could I want?
The words are:
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
I was reminded, I AM NOT IN CONTROL! A wiser, loving Father is at the helm and He is guiding my journey right now. This is the best plan for His reasons; I can’t see, but just believe. As much as I was hoping to be through with the chemo at this hospital, I will return for a third round the end of the month. He can see what I can’t. . . and the Doctors can’t. I am using this time now to focus on each day’s opportunities while I am home and not think about the future. I am also eating every hour, and craving spicy foods, no less. I was up at 3 a.m. this morning having a toast. (They don’t offer that in the hospital, however, they did bring me an Ensure milkshake each day at 3 p.m.)
I need to tell you about a gadget my son, Russell, surprised me with, and Mark set up. The hospital has a TV, but an ancient remote that only goes up and down for channels and has a volume dial, no mute. Russ ordered me a techno item called a Slingbox, and had it delivered to Mark. Mark then hooked it up to my DVR at home and then set it up on my laptop at the hospital. I have my home recorded programs AND the remote on my computer screen where I can watch any time I want. I can also skip commercials just like at home and mute. It is amazing.
I am so blessed with loving care from my sisters and family. Sweet friends are bringing me meals again and sending messages of faith, and I’m sleeping in my own bed. What more could I want?
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Theme Song
I am finishing up this round of chemo meds even as I write. It’s been a rough few days with my feet a tapping from all the steroids, and my eyes trying to sleep. Nausea has been more prominent, but this round is about over, yea!
We’ll see where next week takes me, day by day. I will be starting what they call mobilization, where I get daily shots to increase my white blood cells. I think of it as mobilizing the troops! The battle continues!
This is my theme song for the time. It’s from one of my favorite movies, “Goodby Mr. Chips”, from way back. I love the words and it seems to fit right now. My sister came to visit from UT and brought me a Willow Tree angel with arms outstretched for courage. Yep, that’s what I want to be!
Fill the World with Love
In the morning of my life I shall look to the sunrise.
At a moment in my life when the world is new.
And the blessing I shall ask is that God will grant me,
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.
(Chorus)
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love my whole life through
In the noontime of my life I shall look to the sunshine,
At a moment in my life when the sky is blue.
And the blessing I shall ask shall remain unchanging.
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through
(Chorus)
In the evening of my life I shall look to the sunset,
At a moment in my life when the night is due.
And the question I shall ask only I can answer.
Was I brave and strong and true?
Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?
(Chorus)
We’ll see where next week takes me, day by day. I will be starting what they call mobilization, where I get daily shots to increase my white blood cells. I think of it as mobilizing the troops! The battle continues!
This is my theme song for the time. It’s from one of my favorite movies, “Goodby Mr. Chips”, from way back. I love the words and it seems to fit right now. My sister came to visit from UT and brought me a Willow Tree angel with arms outstretched for courage. Yep, that’s what I want to be!
Fill the World with Love
In the morning of my life I shall look to the sunrise.
At a moment in my life when the world is new.
And the blessing I shall ask is that God will grant me,
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.
(Chorus)
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love my whole life through
In the noontime of my life I shall look to the sunshine,
At a moment in my life when the sky is blue.
And the blessing I shall ask shall remain unchanging.
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through
(Chorus)
In the evening of my life I shall look to the sunset,
At a moment in my life when the night is due.
And the question I shall ask only I can answer.
Was I brave and strong and true?
Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?
(Chorus)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Ding! Round 2 Begins
My friends in Baywood 6th South gave me a warm welcome back when I returned to the hospital on Tues, Aug., 31, feeling stronger and with better blood counts than I did on my first entry, so we’ll see how this round treats me. Yesterday I set Pandora music station to Olivia Newton-John songs and that brought up a flood of 70’s memories as I tried to do some dance moves (exercise) in my smaller quarters hooked up to an IV pole. But after harder chemo yesterday, nausea set in and finally a bowl of cereal stayed down his morning. It’s an up and down ride, so my sister had me write on the white board in my room, “I will feel great again!”, to look at when I am in a slump.
As I was home during those two weeks, my heart was filled with gratitude for all the little things I take for granted. One of my friends posted this: Expect nothing and be grateful for everything! That made me think. On top of my everything gratitude list would be my children and other family members. They are sticking by me through thick and thin, and I have called them at all hours. I enjoyed all the comforts of home, and the ability to choose when and what I wanted to do. I had great meals generously shared by sweet friends and messages from many with prayers and support. It will all return and be even sweeter when all of this is over. I am most grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who provides for my needs and wants, especially at this time.
I wanted to share with you a one day journal of my hospital life yesterday. These are things that help pass the time. I was able to greet the following many visitors who came into my room:
Nurse- approx 10 times (lots of chemo bags to change)
Nurse’s aide-checks on my needs and empties my commode (which is quite often, based upon aforementioned fluid bags going into my body)
My Dr-5 min at max.
The Hospital Dr.-Less than 5 min.
PICC line nurse-checks picc line
Sharps container man-empties sharps container which I don’t use, but he checks it anyway.
Dietary-Takes my food order, told her to come back when I wasn’t throwing up.
Food delivery-I look forward to their visit, although I have eaten 2 small bowls of cereal by time they bring breakfast at 9.
Tray pickup-1 hour after food delivery
Comfort Cart Man- offers books and magazines which I can’t read because chemo has messed up my eyes.
Housecleaning-quick wipe and mop
Family visitors-best of all when my sisters or son come by
Besides greeting all my visitors, I try to take a sponge bath as privately as possible between visitors. I have learned to do it in sections so I can be somewhat decent if someone pops in. The tricky part about the gown is undoing the snaps on the picc line sleeve and redoing them one handed. Then reaching behind and matching the colored ties so nothing is showing. TahDah! I feel like clapping for myself when I finish.
So even though the main piece of furniture in the room is a bed, I haven’t been able to use it much during the day.
I ended my day last night by reading from my Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24, at the suggestion of my son. For those of you who don’t have a Book of Mormon, it tells the history of an earlier people who inhabited the American continent before Christ. Prophets at this time taught the people about Christ and His future coming so they had great faith. This story talks about a group of these believing people who were in bondage to their enemies who wouldn’t even let them pray. This didn’t stop them from praying in their hearts. The Lord heard their cries and told them to be of good comfort, that He would “ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage.”
Then it continues, “the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”
He didn’t take away their trials, but we have been promised that we won’t be given anything harder than we can bear with His help. I am feeling this as I submit to His plan for me and take it a day at a time. So much to learn.
Love you all.
As I was home during those two weeks, my heart was filled with gratitude for all the little things I take for granted. One of my friends posted this: Expect nothing and be grateful for everything! That made me think. On top of my everything gratitude list would be my children and other family members. They are sticking by me through thick and thin, and I have called them at all hours. I enjoyed all the comforts of home, and the ability to choose when and what I wanted to do. I had great meals generously shared by sweet friends and messages from many with prayers and support. It will all return and be even sweeter when all of this is over. I am most grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who provides for my needs and wants, especially at this time.
I wanted to share with you a one day journal of my hospital life yesterday. These are things that help pass the time. I was able to greet the following many visitors who came into my room:
Nurse- approx 10 times (lots of chemo bags to change)
Nurse’s aide-checks on my needs and empties my commode (which is quite often, based upon aforementioned fluid bags going into my body)
My Dr-5 min at max.
The Hospital Dr.-Less than 5 min.
PICC line nurse-checks picc line
Sharps container man-empties sharps container which I don’t use, but he checks it anyway.
Dietary-Takes my food order, told her to come back when I wasn’t throwing up.
Food delivery-I look forward to their visit, although I have eaten 2 small bowls of cereal by time they bring breakfast at 9.
Tray pickup-1 hour after food delivery
Comfort Cart Man- offers books and magazines which I can’t read because chemo has messed up my eyes.
Housecleaning-quick wipe and mop
Family visitors-best of all when my sisters or son come by
Besides greeting all my visitors, I try to take a sponge bath as privately as possible between visitors. I have learned to do it in sections so I can be somewhat decent if someone pops in. The tricky part about the gown is undoing the snaps on the picc line sleeve and redoing them one handed. Then reaching behind and matching the colored ties so nothing is showing. TahDah! I feel like clapping for myself when I finish.
So even though the main piece of furniture in the room is a bed, I haven’t been able to use it much during the day.
I ended my day last night by reading from my Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24, at the suggestion of my son. For those of you who don’t have a Book of Mormon, it tells the history of an earlier people who inhabited the American continent before Christ. Prophets at this time taught the people about Christ and His future coming so they had great faith. This story talks about a group of these believing people who were in bondage to their enemies who wouldn’t even let them pray. This didn’t stop them from praying in their hearts. The Lord heard their cries and told them to be of good comfort, that He would “ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage.”
Then it continues, “the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”
He didn’t take away their trials, but we have been promised that we won’t be given anything harder than we can bear with His help. I am feeling this as I submit to His plan for me and take it a day at a time. So much to learn.
Love you all.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!
That’s the phrase that came to my mind as my friend, Julie, cut off my hair yesterday. On Sunday I was pulling it out by the handfuls so I slept in a shower cap that night, but that was a bad plan. My head was a sauna when I woke, but it did keep the hair off my bed. Julie wasn’t working on Monday, so I found a hair net in my antique collection and wore it all day. Every time I looked in the mirror with my flat hair, it reminded me of my Grandmother Hatch when she worked at my Jr. High cafeteria. In fact, my children wouldn’t be surprised if I told you I might have used this hair net in 7th grade cooking class. It was in a package of three priced at 29¢.
Russell and Aubri accompanied me as quiet supporters and watched as the shears gently revealed my little head. I had enough hair for three people, so I still have much stubble that will fall out over the next few weeks. I wear cotton night caps to catch it. Just think what I wouldn’t know if I hadn’t already been through this? It was still a courage moment for me, but knowing that it grows back, made it easier to face. (As well as remembering that it is cooler, less time consuming, and that it takes 1.5 minutes to don a wig.) I still do a double take when I look in the mirror and just smile. . . .
Today both my kids flew back to their homes in Nashville, TN and Provo, UT. As sad as it was for me sending them off, I know we are each where we need to be right now. Each on our own journey. I loved having them here, laughing, playing cards, and just enjoying being together while wearing our masks. It was what I needed to begin my healing and strengthening. My job now is to keep the momentum going.
I received this poem, during my first go round in ’08, from my sweet cousin who has also fought the cancer battle. I loved it then and had to reread it now. It’s message is for me with or without hair.
Attitude
There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
Looked in the mirror,
And noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today."
So she did.
And
She
Had
A
Wonderful
Day.
The next day she woke up,
Looked in the mirror
And saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said,
"I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."
So she did.
And
She
Had
A
Grand
Day.
The next day she woke up,
Looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said,
"Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did.
And
She
Had
A
Fun,
Fun
Day.
There are some things that can’t be taken away from us! Love to all.
Russell and Aubri accompanied me as quiet supporters and watched as the shears gently revealed my little head. I had enough hair for three people, so I still have much stubble that will fall out over the next few weeks. I wear cotton night caps to catch it. Just think what I wouldn’t know if I hadn’t already been through this? It was still a courage moment for me, but knowing that it grows back, made it easier to face. (As well as remembering that it is cooler, less time consuming, and that it takes 1.5 minutes to don a wig.) I still do a double take when I look in the mirror and just smile. . . .
Today both my kids flew back to their homes in Nashville, TN and Provo, UT. As sad as it was for me sending them off, I know we are each where we need to be right now. Each on our own journey. I loved having them here, laughing, playing cards, and just enjoying being together while wearing our masks. It was what I needed to begin my healing and strengthening. My job now is to keep the momentum going.
I received this poem, during my first go round in ’08, from my sweet cousin who has also fought the cancer battle. I loved it then and had to reread it now. It’s message is for me with or without hair.
Attitude
There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
Looked in the mirror,
And noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today."
So she did.
And
She
Had
A
Wonderful
Day.
The next day she woke up,
Looked in the mirror
And saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said,
"I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."
So she did.
And
She
Had
A
Grand
Day.
The next day she woke up,
Looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said,
"Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did.
And
She
Had
A
Fun,
Fun
Day.
There are some things that can’t be taken away from us! Love to all.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
There’s No Place Like Home! (click-click)
I•am•home! After two weeks in the hospital, I am loving being home--sleeping in my own bed, waking when I want, having my kitchen to decide what and when I eat, and showering-- little things I took for granted. However, I can’t say enough nice things about the nursing staff on 6th south floor at Banner Baywood. They are certainly some of the angels on my journey.
During the first week in the hospital I received continuous chemo for 6 days and nights. The nurses that hooked up the bags of chemicals wore a cover gown, heavy blue gloves, and goggles. I was blessed to have my body accept the chemo medicine without more than the expected side effects so it could attack the cancer. What they didn’t expect was my body to become so weak after the treatment. But now they know, the plan book is on the shelf, and we listen to my body. My blood count numbers took a dive (which they expected) but finally began to come up on their own after two blood transfusions and a platelet transfusion (which is yellow, by the way.) During my last few days in the hospital I became what they call, neutropenic. (With too much free time, I would sing the Mickey Mouse song with these letters--try it!) This meant my white blood count was below 2 and if I got an infection it would be hard to fight it on my own, so we all began wearing masks and I was content to confine myself to my room (which actually had a lovely window view of the east monsoon storm clouds.)
I have two weeks to get strong for my return on Aug. 31 for round two of the same chemo, if all continues to go well. So far, so good. I have even been able to stop my nausea medication. Sweet people are bringing me food, my lawn was just mowed, and I have two of my children (Russell and Aubri) at home with me until Aug. 25 when Aubri will return to BYU for her senior year, and Russell will return to his music and band in Nashville.
The best news is that the CT scan I had before I came home showed the chemo was doing its job to eliminate or shrink most of the lymph nodes. That helps motivate me to return for round 2.
Hospital Memories:
Two fire drill sirens going off twice in the same night. (Nothing soft at the bottom of my 6th story window--I checked.)
Mark’s regular evening visits.
My sisters and Dad coming to visit.
Singing Primary songs with Kathy (my sister) as they inserted my PICC line.
Eating a Chick-Fil-A lunch with Aubri when nothing else sounded good.
Talking on the phone with my mother during breakfasts to take my mind off the food.
Skyping on the computer with my granddaughters and singing, “Wheels on the Bus”.
The longer I go through this, the more evidence I see of the Lord’s hand guiding this journey. I’ve started a list (have you noticed I like lists?) and will share it another time.
I continue to feel of your love and support. Thank you soooo much.
I•am•home! After two weeks in the hospital, I am loving being home--sleeping in my own bed, waking when I want, having my kitchen to decide what and when I eat, and showering-- little things I took for granted. However, I can’t say enough nice things about the nursing staff on 6th south floor at Banner Baywood. They are certainly some of the angels on my journey.
During the first week in the hospital I received continuous chemo for 6 days and nights. The nurses that hooked up the bags of chemicals wore a cover gown, heavy blue gloves, and goggles. I was blessed to have my body accept the chemo medicine without more than the expected side effects so it could attack the cancer. What they didn’t expect was my body to become so weak after the treatment. But now they know, the plan book is on the shelf, and we listen to my body. My blood count numbers took a dive (which they expected) but finally began to come up on their own after two blood transfusions and a platelet transfusion (which is yellow, by the way.) During my last few days in the hospital I became what they call, neutropenic. (With too much free time, I would sing the Mickey Mouse song with these letters--try it!) This meant my white blood count was below 2 and if I got an infection it would be hard to fight it on my own, so we all began wearing masks and I was content to confine myself to my room (which actually had a lovely window view of the east monsoon storm clouds.)
I have two weeks to get strong for my return on Aug. 31 for round two of the same chemo, if all continues to go well. So far, so good. I have even been able to stop my nausea medication. Sweet people are bringing me food, my lawn was just mowed, and I have two of my children (Russell and Aubri) at home with me until Aug. 25 when Aubri will return to BYU for her senior year, and Russell will return to his music and band in Nashville.
The best news is that the CT scan I had before I came home showed the chemo was doing its job to eliminate or shrink most of the lymph nodes. That helps motivate me to return for round 2.
Hospital Memories:
Two fire drill sirens going off twice in the same night. (Nothing soft at the bottom of my 6th story window--I checked.)
Mark’s regular evening visits.
My sisters and Dad coming to visit.
Singing Primary songs with Kathy (my sister) as they inserted my PICC line.
Eating a Chick-Fil-A lunch with Aubri when nothing else sounded good.
Talking on the phone with my mother during breakfasts to take my mind off the food.
Skyping on the computer with my granddaughters and singing, “Wheels on the Bus”.
The longer I go through this, the more evidence I see of the Lord’s hand guiding this journey. I’ve started a list (have you noticed I like lists?) and will share it another time.
I continue to feel of your love and support. Thank you soooo much.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
New Perspective
Happy Sunday! I'm writing from my hospital bed on a laptop my sister loaned me, so that's a good sign. They are watching blood counts to see when they can release me to get stronger at home. I've given up the game plans of the normal chemo patient that was outlined to me. This is Karen's-sensitive to every medicine-body we're dealing with. I'm on a day by day journey now and it's OK. I'm finally noticing less resistance to the fact that the cancer has returned. It was just this week that I began to feel more of a submission. One nurse called this fight a commitment, but I've found I have to submit to this new journey for me ("opportunity", as Neal Maxwell would call it) and focus on what I can learn from it, before I can commit and I think that is coming.
When I first entered the hospital, my rebellious self resisted putting on the infamous gown. I knew once I did, I would be theirs! The thing about the hospital is you enter the Hospital Standard Time Zone. Forget the clock on the wall, they have their own watches set to HST. Here's the translation for when you are in their zone:
• Dr. says, "I'll send you back to the hospital through ER so you can get a bed sooner: 6 hours
Nurses' comments:
• I'll run and get it: 1 hour
• I'll be right back: 30 min.
• I'll get your nurse: 30 min. or during changing of the nurses: 1 hour
• I've called transport, they'll be right here: 30 min to 1 hour
I'm learning to go with the flow and am making good friends. It really takes a special person to be a nurse.
Thanks for all your love and support. I feel it daily.
When I first entered the hospital, my rebellious self resisted putting on the infamous gown. I knew once I did, I would be theirs! The thing about the hospital is you enter the Hospital Standard Time Zone. Forget the clock on the wall, they have their own watches set to HST. Here's the translation for when you are in their zone:
• Dr. says, "I'll send you back to the hospital through ER so you can get a bed sooner: 6 hours
Nurses' comments:
• I'll run and get it: 1 hour
• I'll be right back: 30 min.
• I'll get your nurse: 30 min. or during changing of the nurses: 1 hour
• I've called transport, they'll be right here: 30 min to 1 hour
I'm learning to go with the flow and am making good friends. It really takes a special person to be a nurse.
Thanks for all your love and support. I feel it daily.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
First Round of Chemo
Hi! This is Aubri! Mom asked me to update her blog. She completed the six days of hospital chemo and was released on Mon, Aug 9th. But after a short stay at home, she was sent back to the hospital on Tuesday to handle the symptoms of the chemo, mostly nausea and dehydration.
It's now a day by day decision when she's released. She wants to thank everyone for their support and prayers. She wanted me to post that the staff at the hospital has been great and that she couldn't do this without her family.
It's now a day by day decision when she's released. She wants to thank everyone for their support and prayers. She wanted me to post that the staff at the hospital has been great and that she couldn't do this without her family.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Journey Begins
Whew. My mind is spinning after 2.5 hours of information from the stem cell Dr. Briggs, the case manager, the financial gal, and the social worker at Good Samaritan Hospital. My son, Mark, was my compadre through all this. I made the trip into Phoenix quite weak from lack of sleep due to increased sweats and a cough, and when I don’t feel strong physically, I begin to lose it emotionally. However, I noticed as the Dr. was talking to me about each procedure and side effects and risks, I was able to accept it with an extra measure of strength that can only come from Christ. He has felt every pain I will feel, He, and His many angels will be there every step of the way.
The plan also includes many caregivers necessary for home procedures and driving. I know much love will be shown during all of this.
So here’s the plan at this point. It will be a step by step plan, with each step dependent upon the success of the step before. I will enter Banner Baywood hospital tomorrow for the first round of strong chemo to begin the cleanse process. This will last 4-5 days. Then there will be a 2-3 week wait in between to get strong enough for the next round in the hospital. Dependent upon Dr. Long’s (my local oncologist) wishes, there may be a pet scan between rounds or at the end of #2. If the chemo has done it’s job of getting rid of the cancer cells, then I begin care from Dr. Briggs. She collects my stem cells which they will freeze and plan to reuse. While they are freezing, I will have more chemo which she said is ten times stronger that the two previous. (Yep, it just keeps getting better!) After seven days of that 10x strong chemo, they thaw my stem cells and put them back in. That begins the fun part of monitoring and praying as the cells begin to do their job again to take me from 0 on the richter scale of immunity, to a positive number. This takes up to 3-4 weeks in the hospital. I was reminded that cancer is not for wimps. (Repeat after me: I am not a wimp. I am not a wimp.)
Good news is that the cure rate is 60-70%. Without the transplant, 0%. Hey, I’m not a gambler, but I know which odds I’m going with.
So there’s the mini version of my life for the next several months. It will be a roller coaster, but I’m in it for the long haul! It could be the mini version of any of our lives, with different challenges, risks, and derailments. I have a strong belief that our lives are especially tailored for each one of us and that Heavenly Father is aware of our every need. Our job is to listen and be guided along that path with faith to move forward.
I remembered a favorite song that goes like this:
Step by step I’ll climb the steepest mountain.
Step by step I’ll cross the raging sea.
There is nothing I can’t do, doing it with two.
Dear Lord stay step by step, ahead of me.
We can do this! Love you all.
The plan also includes many caregivers necessary for home procedures and driving. I know much love will be shown during all of this.
So here’s the plan at this point. It will be a step by step plan, with each step dependent upon the success of the step before. I will enter Banner Baywood hospital tomorrow for the first round of strong chemo to begin the cleanse process. This will last 4-5 days. Then there will be a 2-3 week wait in between to get strong enough for the next round in the hospital. Dependent upon Dr. Long’s (my local oncologist) wishes, there may be a pet scan between rounds or at the end of #2. If the chemo has done it’s job of getting rid of the cancer cells, then I begin care from Dr. Briggs. She collects my stem cells which they will freeze and plan to reuse. While they are freezing, I will have more chemo which she said is ten times stronger that the two previous. (Yep, it just keeps getting better!) After seven days of that 10x strong chemo, they thaw my stem cells and put them back in. That begins the fun part of monitoring and praying as the cells begin to do their job again to take me from 0 on the richter scale of immunity, to a positive number. This takes up to 3-4 weeks in the hospital. I was reminded that cancer is not for wimps. (Repeat after me: I am not a wimp. I am not a wimp.)
Good news is that the cure rate is 60-70%. Without the transplant, 0%. Hey, I’m not a gambler, but I know which odds I’m going with.
So there’s the mini version of my life for the next several months. It will be a roller coaster, but I’m in it for the long haul! It could be the mini version of any of our lives, with different challenges, risks, and derailments. I have a strong belief that our lives are especially tailored for each one of us and that Heavenly Father is aware of our every need. Our job is to listen and be guided along that path with faith to move forward.
I remembered a favorite song that goes like this:
Step by step I’ll climb the steepest mountain.
Step by step I’ll cross the raging sea.
There is nothing I can’t do, doing it with two.
Dear Lord stay step by step, ahead of me.
We can do this! Love you all.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010 "The cancer returns"
Welcome to my blog. During my first go round with cancer in Jan. 2008, I had an email list to send out updates and thoughts and I loved it and the responses I got. However, after reading a few family blogs, I decided this would be the better way to go.
I spent today making a list of titles for my blog, checking their availability, crossing off, starting again, and surveying my children’s thoughts. Most of them had the word cancer, beat, and I in them, which really don’t go together, because I found out the last time, winning the cancer battle is a team effort. I was inspired with the title, A Journey with Angels, because that is what it is, angels in heaven, angels on earth, all working together to buoy me up and strengthen me as the Lord upholds and leads me through this.
I remembered one of my favorite scriptures which illustrates this, found in D&C 84:88, “And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”
One week ago today I picked up my regular six month pet scan report. I had become familiar with the impressive language from the report readers during the past two years and would quickly scan the reports until the words, “no abnormal hypermetabolic activity to suggest recurrent disease at this time”, found their way into my brain and made me smile. I had celebrated remission from the first go-round with lymphoma, in May of 2008, and called it my sacred journey. I had learned much and saw miracles occur. This new three page report, however, had big ugly words. The cancer had returned and that news took my breath away, because I was feeling strong and filling my days with new family computer projects. There was not room in my calendar for chemo right now. However, I had been having repeated night sweats and as much as I tried to convince myself they were due to hormones, I had a feeling something was not right.
On Monday, my oncologist confirmed my suspicions that the lymphoma had returned and is in many of my body lymph nodes this time. I had a biopsy yesterday for him to determine if it is the same kind or different. He will then know what kind of chemo mix I will need for the first 2 rounds in the hospital. I meet with him on Wed. to determine the course of action in this new battle. If it looks like the chemo is killing off the cancer cells, I could be a candidate for a stem cell transplant at Good Sam, but I meet to consult with that Dr. in another week.
Although I am physically stronger this time to start the fight, I have used the week to mentally grasp this new direction of my life. I will not be starting school for the first time in 20 years, and will be either in my home or in the hospital in a visitor restricted condition for quite a while. This won't start until after the chemo begins.
I realized this time that cancer is a another type of loss. It’s loss of one’s life as they knew it, loss of normal family contact, and temporary or longer loss of one’s job. I went through the grieving process, which caught me off guard, until I realized this. I was in shock, then anger, sadness, then back to shock/disbelief, and mourning. I’m sure I will continue to feel these emotions for a while.
I have also used this time to list the blessings that are connected with this diagnosis.
1. Great time to be bald. I found out last time that hair is so overrated. It will be cooler, I don’t have to style it, and won’t even have to worry about it in the hospital.
2. My insurance will cover the stem cell procedure AND Good Samaritan Hospital is also in the coverage.
3. My school will hold my job for me.
4. Aubri is home for another month.
5. I saved my wigs!
I know the Lord will lead me through this fight as He has in the past. I look forward to miracles.
Welcome to my blog. During my first go round with cancer in Jan. 2008, I had an email list to send out updates and thoughts and I loved it and the responses I got. However, after reading a few family blogs, I decided this would be the better way to go.
I spent today making a list of titles for my blog, checking their availability, crossing off, starting again, and surveying my children’s thoughts. Most of them had the word cancer, beat, and I in them, which really don’t go together, because I found out the last time, winning the cancer battle is a team effort. I was inspired with the title, A Journey with Angels, because that is what it is, angels in heaven, angels on earth, all working together to buoy me up and strengthen me as the Lord upholds and leads me through this.
I remembered one of my favorite scriptures which illustrates this, found in D&C 84:88, “And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”
One week ago today I picked up my regular six month pet scan report. I had become familiar with the impressive language from the report readers during the past two years and would quickly scan the reports until the words, “no abnormal hypermetabolic activity to suggest recurrent disease at this time”, found their way into my brain and made me smile. I had celebrated remission from the first go-round with lymphoma, in May of 2008, and called it my sacred journey. I had learned much and saw miracles occur. This new three page report, however, had big ugly words. The cancer had returned and that news took my breath away, because I was feeling strong and filling my days with new family computer projects. There was not room in my calendar for chemo right now. However, I had been having repeated night sweats and as much as I tried to convince myself they were due to hormones, I had a feeling something was not right.
On Monday, my oncologist confirmed my suspicions that the lymphoma had returned and is in many of my body lymph nodes this time. I had a biopsy yesterday for him to determine if it is the same kind or different. He will then know what kind of chemo mix I will need for the first 2 rounds in the hospital. I meet with him on Wed. to determine the course of action in this new battle. If it looks like the chemo is killing off the cancer cells, I could be a candidate for a stem cell transplant at Good Sam, but I meet to consult with that Dr. in another week.
Although I am physically stronger this time to start the fight, I have used the week to mentally grasp this new direction of my life. I will not be starting school for the first time in 20 years, and will be either in my home or in the hospital in a visitor restricted condition for quite a while. This won't start until after the chemo begins.
I realized this time that cancer is a another type of loss. It’s loss of one’s life as they knew it, loss of normal family contact, and temporary or longer loss of one’s job. I went through the grieving process, which caught me off guard, until I realized this. I was in shock, then anger, sadness, then back to shock/disbelief, and mourning. I’m sure I will continue to feel these emotions for a while.
I have also used this time to list the blessings that are connected with this diagnosis.
1. Great time to be bald. I found out last time that hair is so overrated. It will be cooler, I don’t have to style it, and won’t even have to worry about it in the hospital.
2. My insurance will cover the stem cell procedure AND Good Samaritan Hospital is also in the coverage.
3. My school will hold my job for me.
4. Aubri is home for another month.
5. I saved my wigs!
I know the Lord will lead me through this fight as He has in the past. I look forward to miracles.
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