Have you ever wanted to stop time? The moments I have wished for this were as I was playing with my granddaughters, on vacation with my daughter, all together with my family . . . and this morning as I lay in bed.
Last Sunday I faced one of my most painful days--not physically, but mentally. I found myself in a dark place, a type of depression. I cried. I wanted to curl up and hide. I wanted to throw down that angel statue I had mentioned in a previous blog and break off both her arms raised to the air for courage. (I hid her instead.) The Dr. had prescribed medication for this knowing it was part of the experience, but I had only been taking half dose. I realized that now was a good time to increase it. That night my sister made a special trip to drop off a goodie and while she was lying on the floor resting from a pulled back, and I was ready to kick the couch, we were able to laugh about the day.
This last week family came over to visit, shared lunches with me, and I began to see light again at the end of the tunnel. I’ve felt better each day and had a good week, becoming stronger daily, ready to meet this round beginning on Tuesday. I am entering this chemo with more strength than the other times, believing I will come out stronger to begin the next phase.
I reread a short quote I have posted on my desk, by a past Prophet and President of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley. He said, “Be believing, be happy, don’t be discouraged. Things will work out.”
What more can I say?
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Food Cravings
One of my many joys of being home between chemo treatments is the delicious food that is delivered to my door each evening. It’s like Christmas as I look forward with anticipation to see what the menu is for the night. The food is being shared by my two sisters and many ladies in my church. The only other times I remember being this excited about food was when I was pregnant, nursing, or on a large dose of prednisone for a few months. I would read recipe books as if they were novels. That feeling is back and after hospital food, I love it.
When I got home from chemo number 1, I was very nauseated and had little appetite, but my church friends stepped up to the challenge and brought me the comfort food I had requested; low seasonings, bland, soups, your basic ulcer diet. It was heavenly and just what I needed to strengthen my body. This time home, my taste buds did a 360º turn about and I have been craving regular, seasoned, good old American, Mexican, and Italian food. It took one email to Jessie, my friend who arranges the meals, and the changes have been just that! So good and delicious tasting. I even had a cub scout troup fix me spagetti and homemade rolls last night. Yummo. As I eat by myself, I picture me sitting in a very quiet restaurant eating out.
I am also eating almost hourly, and their meals usually provide the next day’s lunch while I am busy figuring what to eat in between. Such a nice change from the first time. I hope it means my body is bouncing back and will get stronger for the next round.
I was visiting with a friend this week and shared experiences from my previous hospital stays, both good and bad. It wasn’t until later that I realized in a more personal way why my father had not shared his war experiences with our family until the last few years, some 65 years after the war. The mind is powerful and sharing my experiences took me back to those hard moments in the hospital I wanted to forget, but knowing I was going to have to return, made it even more unpleasant. I am trying hard once again to focus on each day, looking for the positives, not reliving the past of this challenge, and not worrying about the future. It’s not easy to do, but if I keep enough good thoughts going in my mind, and find worthwhile things to do, the days are better.
I continue to see the Lord’s hand in this as his earthly angels share their food and love with me.
When I got home from chemo number 1, I was very nauseated and had little appetite, but my church friends stepped up to the challenge and brought me the comfort food I had requested; low seasonings, bland, soups, your basic ulcer diet. It was heavenly and just what I needed to strengthen my body. This time home, my taste buds did a 360º turn about and I have been craving regular, seasoned, good old American, Mexican, and Italian food. It took one email to Jessie, my friend who arranges the meals, and the changes have been just that! So good and delicious tasting. I even had a cub scout troup fix me spagetti and homemade rolls last night. Yummo. As I eat by myself, I picture me sitting in a very quiet restaurant eating out.
I am also eating almost hourly, and their meals usually provide the next day’s lunch while I am busy figuring what to eat in between. Such a nice change from the first time. I hope it means my body is bouncing back and will get stronger for the next round.
I was visiting with a friend this week and shared experiences from my previous hospital stays, both good and bad. It wasn’t until later that I realized in a more personal way why my father had not shared his war experiences with our family until the last few years, some 65 years after the war. The mind is powerful and sharing my experiences took me back to those hard moments in the hospital I wanted to forget, but knowing I was going to have to return, made it even more unpleasant. I am trying hard once again to focus on each day, looking for the positives, not reliving the past of this challenge, and not worrying about the future. It’s not easy to do, but if I keep enough good thoughts going in my mind, and find worthwhile things to do, the days are better.
I continue to see the Lord’s hand in this as his earthly angels share their food and love with me.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
New Twist
Good news--I’m home for about 2 weeks. New twist--stem cell work has been postponed until after a third round of chemo. I thought I would be starting this week, but after communication between doctors, this was the decision they came to. I had a meeting with my Dr., sisters, and son, in the hospital telling us of this on Wed. morning. The night before the meeting I was feeling discouraged because I was thinking something was up. I hadn’t received my daily shot and I knew that was part of the stem cell plan. As I was sitting there trying to figure out how I could move forward and get control of the situation, the third verse of the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation”, came clearly into my mind.
The words are:
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
I was reminded, I AM NOT IN CONTROL! A wiser, loving Father is at the helm and He is guiding my journey right now. This is the best plan for His reasons; I can’t see, but just believe. As much as I was hoping to be through with the chemo at this hospital, I will return for a third round the end of the month. He can see what I can’t. . . and the Doctors can’t. I am using this time now to focus on each day’s opportunities while I am home and not think about the future. I am also eating every hour, and craving spicy foods, no less. I was up at 3 a.m. this morning having a toast. (They don’t offer that in the hospital, however, they did bring me an Ensure milkshake each day at 3 p.m.)
I need to tell you about a gadget my son, Russell, surprised me with, and Mark set up. The hospital has a TV, but an ancient remote that only goes up and down for channels and has a volume dial, no mute. Russ ordered me a techno item called a Slingbox, and had it delivered to Mark. Mark then hooked it up to my DVR at home and then set it up on my laptop at the hospital. I have my home recorded programs AND the remote on my computer screen where I can watch any time I want. I can also skip commercials just like at home and mute. It is amazing.
I am so blessed with loving care from my sisters and family. Sweet friends are bringing me meals again and sending messages of faith, and I’m sleeping in my own bed. What more could I want?
The words are:
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
I was reminded, I AM NOT IN CONTROL! A wiser, loving Father is at the helm and He is guiding my journey right now. This is the best plan for His reasons; I can’t see, but just believe. As much as I was hoping to be through with the chemo at this hospital, I will return for a third round the end of the month. He can see what I can’t. . . and the Doctors can’t. I am using this time now to focus on each day’s opportunities while I am home and not think about the future. I am also eating every hour, and craving spicy foods, no less. I was up at 3 a.m. this morning having a toast. (They don’t offer that in the hospital, however, they did bring me an Ensure milkshake each day at 3 p.m.)
I need to tell you about a gadget my son, Russell, surprised me with, and Mark set up. The hospital has a TV, but an ancient remote that only goes up and down for channels and has a volume dial, no mute. Russ ordered me a techno item called a Slingbox, and had it delivered to Mark. Mark then hooked it up to my DVR at home and then set it up on my laptop at the hospital. I have my home recorded programs AND the remote on my computer screen where I can watch any time I want. I can also skip commercials just like at home and mute. It is amazing.
I am so blessed with loving care from my sisters and family. Sweet friends are bringing me meals again and sending messages of faith, and I’m sleeping in my own bed. What more could I want?
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Theme Song
I am finishing up this round of chemo meds even as I write. It’s been a rough few days with my feet a tapping from all the steroids, and my eyes trying to sleep. Nausea has been more prominent, but this round is about over, yea!
We’ll see where next week takes me, day by day. I will be starting what they call mobilization, where I get daily shots to increase my white blood cells. I think of it as mobilizing the troops! The battle continues!
This is my theme song for the time. It’s from one of my favorite movies, “Goodby Mr. Chips”, from way back. I love the words and it seems to fit right now. My sister came to visit from UT and brought me a Willow Tree angel with arms outstretched for courage. Yep, that’s what I want to be!
Fill the World with Love
In the morning of my life I shall look to the sunrise.
At a moment in my life when the world is new.
And the blessing I shall ask is that God will grant me,
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.
(Chorus)
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love my whole life through
In the noontime of my life I shall look to the sunshine,
At a moment in my life when the sky is blue.
And the blessing I shall ask shall remain unchanging.
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through
(Chorus)
In the evening of my life I shall look to the sunset,
At a moment in my life when the night is due.
And the question I shall ask only I can answer.
Was I brave and strong and true?
Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?
(Chorus)
We’ll see where next week takes me, day by day. I will be starting what they call mobilization, where I get daily shots to increase my white blood cells. I think of it as mobilizing the troops! The battle continues!
This is my theme song for the time. It’s from one of my favorite movies, “Goodby Mr. Chips”, from way back. I love the words and it seems to fit right now. My sister came to visit from UT and brought me a Willow Tree angel with arms outstretched for courage. Yep, that’s what I want to be!
Fill the World with Love
In the morning of my life I shall look to the sunrise.
At a moment in my life when the world is new.
And the blessing I shall ask is that God will grant me,
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.
(Chorus)
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love my whole life through
In the noontime of my life I shall look to the sunshine,
At a moment in my life when the sky is blue.
And the blessing I shall ask shall remain unchanging.
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through
(Chorus)
In the evening of my life I shall look to the sunset,
At a moment in my life when the night is due.
And the question I shall ask only I can answer.
Was I brave and strong and true?
Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?
(Chorus)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Ding! Round 2 Begins
My friends in Baywood 6th South gave me a warm welcome back when I returned to the hospital on Tues, Aug., 31, feeling stronger and with better blood counts than I did on my first entry, so we’ll see how this round treats me. Yesterday I set Pandora music station to Olivia Newton-John songs and that brought up a flood of 70’s memories as I tried to do some dance moves (exercise) in my smaller quarters hooked up to an IV pole. But after harder chemo yesterday, nausea set in and finally a bowl of cereal stayed down his morning. It’s an up and down ride, so my sister had me write on the white board in my room, “I will feel great again!”, to look at when I am in a slump.
As I was home during those two weeks, my heart was filled with gratitude for all the little things I take for granted. One of my friends posted this: Expect nothing and be grateful for everything! That made me think. On top of my everything gratitude list would be my children and other family members. They are sticking by me through thick and thin, and I have called them at all hours. I enjoyed all the comforts of home, and the ability to choose when and what I wanted to do. I had great meals generously shared by sweet friends and messages from many with prayers and support. It will all return and be even sweeter when all of this is over. I am most grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who provides for my needs and wants, especially at this time.
I wanted to share with you a one day journal of my hospital life yesterday. These are things that help pass the time. I was able to greet the following many visitors who came into my room:
Nurse- approx 10 times (lots of chemo bags to change)
Nurse’s aide-checks on my needs and empties my commode (which is quite often, based upon aforementioned fluid bags going into my body)
My Dr-5 min at max.
The Hospital Dr.-Less than 5 min.
PICC line nurse-checks picc line
Sharps container man-empties sharps container which I don’t use, but he checks it anyway.
Dietary-Takes my food order, told her to come back when I wasn’t throwing up.
Food delivery-I look forward to their visit, although I have eaten 2 small bowls of cereal by time they bring breakfast at 9.
Tray pickup-1 hour after food delivery
Comfort Cart Man- offers books and magazines which I can’t read because chemo has messed up my eyes.
Housecleaning-quick wipe and mop
Family visitors-best of all when my sisters or son come by
Besides greeting all my visitors, I try to take a sponge bath as privately as possible between visitors. I have learned to do it in sections so I can be somewhat decent if someone pops in. The tricky part about the gown is undoing the snaps on the picc line sleeve and redoing them one handed. Then reaching behind and matching the colored ties so nothing is showing. TahDah! I feel like clapping for myself when I finish.
So even though the main piece of furniture in the room is a bed, I haven’t been able to use it much during the day.
I ended my day last night by reading from my Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24, at the suggestion of my son. For those of you who don’t have a Book of Mormon, it tells the history of an earlier people who inhabited the American continent before Christ. Prophets at this time taught the people about Christ and His future coming so they had great faith. This story talks about a group of these believing people who were in bondage to their enemies who wouldn’t even let them pray. This didn’t stop them from praying in their hearts. The Lord heard their cries and told them to be of good comfort, that He would “ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage.”
Then it continues, “the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”
He didn’t take away their trials, but we have been promised that we won’t be given anything harder than we can bear with His help. I am feeling this as I submit to His plan for me and take it a day at a time. So much to learn.
Love you all.
As I was home during those two weeks, my heart was filled with gratitude for all the little things I take for granted. One of my friends posted this: Expect nothing and be grateful for everything! That made me think. On top of my everything gratitude list would be my children and other family members. They are sticking by me through thick and thin, and I have called them at all hours. I enjoyed all the comforts of home, and the ability to choose when and what I wanted to do. I had great meals generously shared by sweet friends and messages from many with prayers and support. It will all return and be even sweeter when all of this is over. I am most grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who provides for my needs and wants, especially at this time.
I wanted to share with you a one day journal of my hospital life yesterday. These are things that help pass the time. I was able to greet the following many visitors who came into my room:
Nurse- approx 10 times (lots of chemo bags to change)
Nurse’s aide-checks on my needs and empties my commode (which is quite often, based upon aforementioned fluid bags going into my body)
My Dr-5 min at max.
The Hospital Dr.-Less than 5 min.
PICC line nurse-checks picc line
Sharps container man-empties sharps container which I don’t use, but he checks it anyway.
Dietary-Takes my food order, told her to come back when I wasn’t throwing up.
Food delivery-I look forward to their visit, although I have eaten 2 small bowls of cereal by time they bring breakfast at 9.
Tray pickup-1 hour after food delivery
Comfort Cart Man- offers books and magazines which I can’t read because chemo has messed up my eyes.
Housecleaning-quick wipe and mop
Family visitors-best of all when my sisters or son come by
Besides greeting all my visitors, I try to take a sponge bath as privately as possible between visitors. I have learned to do it in sections so I can be somewhat decent if someone pops in. The tricky part about the gown is undoing the snaps on the picc line sleeve and redoing them one handed. Then reaching behind and matching the colored ties so nothing is showing. TahDah! I feel like clapping for myself when I finish.
So even though the main piece of furniture in the room is a bed, I haven’t been able to use it much during the day.
I ended my day last night by reading from my Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24, at the suggestion of my son. For those of you who don’t have a Book of Mormon, it tells the history of an earlier people who inhabited the American continent before Christ. Prophets at this time taught the people about Christ and His future coming so they had great faith. This story talks about a group of these believing people who were in bondage to their enemies who wouldn’t even let them pray. This didn’t stop them from praying in their hearts. The Lord heard their cries and told them to be of good comfort, that He would “ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage.”
Then it continues, “the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”
He didn’t take away their trials, but we have been promised that we won’t be given anything harder than we can bear with His help. I am feeling this as I submit to His plan for me and take it a day at a time. So much to learn.
Love you all.
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