An Amazing Book

Someone once asked me what I did with all my time.  I started to make a list which looked a little flimsy considering I was home all day.  Healing.  But then my list began to take on  more depth as I gained strength.  The wedding planning took most of my time prior to Christmas, but since then I have been able to walk more, prepare my own meals, work on family video projects, and read.

Last night I finished one of those great books where a single reading is not enough. The kind that keeps rolling around in your mind until you get back to it.  I’m not a night owl who can read a book in one sitting, but this would probably fall into that category of those who do.

The book is an autobiography, And There Was Light, written by Jacques Lusseyran.    It had been recommended by a friend in the 90’s when its message was as pertinent to me then as it is now.  It wasn’t an easy read because there is so much depth to it, but I discovered a newness about it this second time; a reminder about life, its deeper meaning, and the untapped resources that are available for us to take full advantage of within the soul.  In my list of top three, it’s right up there next to The Hiding Place , by Corrie Ten Boom, and The Robe by Douglas.

Jacques was blinded in an accident as a child of eight, and masterfully writes how he used his blindness as a gift instead of a handicap.  He is able to describe light, fear, love, music, and friendship in words that paint pictures even though these are intangible.  At age 16 he became a leader in the French underground movement during World War II, using his heightened senses to provide leadership, hope, and courage to those around him.  As a Christian, he recognized the hand of the Lord in his life, sustaining him through the worst of times.  His life makes mine look like a walk in the park.   

He ends the book with these “two truths, intimately known to him and reaching beyond all boundaries.  The first of these is that joy does not come from outside, for whatever happens to us it is within.   The second truth is that light does not come to us from without, Light is in us, even if we have no eyes.”  (pg. 312)

It has caused me to become more appreciative and aware of life around me.  Gifts freely given that I need to take more advantage of.  Happiness, joy, no matter what our circumstances.  Living to our full potential.  Things I knew, but needed reminding.

Clues I’m getting better:
Wearing clothes about as much as pajamas.
Wearing shoes more than slippers.
Walking to get my mail. (Sweet neighbor used to do this for me.)
Flossing my teeth. (This is big, coming from the sponge toothbrush at the hospital.  Sisters were instructed to hide it from me when I was released.)

Day 60

(1-13)I just returned from my Dr. visit, but to fully understand my anticipation for today’s visit, we need to rewind to my check up on Dec. 30.  I had just participated in the wedding activities and family Christmas parties and was feeling great.  When they checked my labs, all of my blood counts had dropped from the time before, especially my white cell count.  The Dr. had expected to be able to release me to my other oncologist, but then she decided to keep me until today to recheck everything.  She mentioned a bone marrow test if the counts did not improve.  She had me stop all supplements and an antibiotic.

I have felt better and stronger each day and had asked my family to fast and pray for me.  I knew I was in the Lord’s hands, and that this was a time to work on my faith.  He could easily change my blood levels, but if this was a bump in the road, then I prayed that I would be strengthened to handle whatever I needed to.  Then there were other less faithful days when I thought if it was a bump, I would just crawl under the beautiful hand made quilt on my bed and not come out.

The results today showed the white blood cell count at 2.1 which was down from 2.5 last time, but the other numbers were up, which meant to her that the little stemmies were trying to get the WBC up.  Even though it wasn’t where she had hoped it would be, she said it was good and to come back in two more weeks.  She couldn’t explain why, but said sometimes they fluctuate, or I had a virus.  Yea!  My sister and Mother went as my cheerleaders and they were happy, too.

While we were waiting for the lab results to come back a patient slowly walked by us with his IV pole and caregiver following.  I had done this routine many times because they encouraged us to get out of bed and walk as much as we could.  It is a tedious, energy draining exercise, so I cheered him on as he passed.  He asked if I had been through the process.  He was on day 12 and having a bad day, so the very presence of someone on day 60 being up, dressed, and feeling good, seemed to boost him.  I remember when the Lord placed people in my path on that floor to give me encouragement and hope.

It was another reminder that one of our main purposes is to help each other on this journey.  My friend in Queen Creek has volunteered with “London’s Run” for several years and compares life with a race. "We all begin at birth and end at death.  It doesn't matter how one finishes the race--whether you have riches, are popular, or poor, etc., all that matters is how many people we have helped along the way."

This picture of my granddaughters, taken by their mother, says it all. 

The Chrysalis is Opening

(Sat.)  I’m writing this as three cute boys and a dad are blowing my front tree leaves into piles.  This is just the beginning of my January ‘fall’ with this tree.  There are squeals of laughter as they enjoy balancing the rakes on their hands, examine bugs, and try to get a pile big enough to jump into.  That last activity probably won’t occur for a few more weeks.  It’s sweet service like this that has blessed my life this season.

I began crawling out of my chrysalis a little more this past week.  One morning I was able to go to the sparsely attended first showing of the Disney movie, “Tangled”, with Alisa and Natalie, four years old.  It did my heart good to watch this darling show as Natalie sat spellbound for her second time.  Then on another beautiful afternoon, I met them at a park near their home to watch both granddaughters play for a short time.  “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair”, became the theme at the slides.

Another sunshiny day I decided to go to the Riparian Preserve for the first time in months.  I didn’t have the strength to walk around the lake this time, but I was able to go to my special spot and sit under the tree by the stream.  It has become one of my sacred groves where I can think, relax, pray, and just enjoy the beauty of nature, feeling like I am away from the rest of the world.  I don’t know what I would do without sanctuaries like this.  I have several places that have become dear to my heart including the plum tree grove in the back of my Snowflake home growing up as a child.  I would retreat there if I had a problem to solve, or just needed to think.  I could see the rest of the family in the house, but I was by myself hidden by the small trees.  I didn’t think of it as my sacred grove at that time, but now I know it was. 

Wedding pictures were ready this week and thanks to Alisa’s great editing, I was able to place an order for prints which kept my mind on happy things.  The newlyweds are busy setting up their own world, so these keep me close to them and the wonderful memories from the big event.  Organizing pictures, making dvds, and preserving family memories are probably my most favorite things to do.  Now I have the time.

Heavenly Father is so good to me.  So many blessings, as well as helping me to feel stronger each day.  My next Dr. appointment is on the 13th and it’s an important one.  I’ll update after that.

Happy 2011

It’s a brand new year, with new hopes, new challenges, and new adventures!  As my children left to go back to their own homes in Provo and Nashville, I was sad because with them went the noise, laughter, game nights, and life that had filled this house for 10 days.  It was the best medicine for me and I continually thanked the Lord that everyone was healthy and able to stay here.

I was feeling so blessed to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding events, that to be able to continue the good life by participating with my extended family in our traditional Christmas party and program, Christmas Eve Mexican dinner, and the Christmas Day dinner, was more than I expected.  My prayers were of praise and thanks with nothing else to ask for.

I was thinking of Christmases past, each having a story of its own.  Some of my memories include both boys throwing up at the same time in different bathrooms on Christmas morning, using a speaker phone to open presents with the kids because I was in the hospital, having a secret Santa deliver a large box of food to my doorstep my first Christmas as a single mom, and other years being the recipient of generous gifts of money left at the door. I know Christmas may not always be merry for everyone.  Maybe that’s why the New Year follows with hope for better. 

I know that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ love us, know each of us personally, and will not give us any trial beyond our ability to handle.