An Amazing Book

Someone once asked me what I did with all my time.  I started to make a list which looked a little flimsy considering I was home all day.  Healing.  But then my list began to take on  more depth as I gained strength.  The wedding planning took most of my time prior to Christmas, but since then I have been able to walk more, prepare my own meals, work on family video projects, and read.

Last night I finished one of those great books where a single reading is not enough. The kind that keeps rolling around in your mind until you get back to it.  I’m not a night owl who can read a book in one sitting, but this would probably fall into that category of those who do.

The book is an autobiography, And There Was Light, written by Jacques Lusseyran.    It had been recommended by a friend in the 90’s when its message was as pertinent to me then as it is now.  It wasn’t an easy read because there is so much depth to it, but I discovered a newness about it this second time; a reminder about life, its deeper meaning, and the untapped resources that are available for us to take full advantage of within the soul.  In my list of top three, it’s right up there next to The Hiding Place , by Corrie Ten Boom, and The Robe by Douglas.

Jacques was blinded in an accident as a child of eight, and masterfully writes how he used his blindness as a gift instead of a handicap.  He is able to describe light, fear, love, music, and friendship in words that paint pictures even though these are intangible.  At age 16 he became a leader in the French underground movement during World War II, using his heightened senses to provide leadership, hope, and courage to those around him.  As a Christian, he recognized the hand of the Lord in his life, sustaining him through the worst of times.  His life makes mine look like a walk in the park.   

He ends the book with these “two truths, intimately known to him and reaching beyond all boundaries.  The first of these is that joy does not come from outside, for whatever happens to us it is within.   The second truth is that light does not come to us from without, Light is in us, even if we have no eyes.”  (pg. 312)

It has caused me to become more appreciative and aware of life around me.  Gifts freely given that I need to take more advantage of.  Happiness, joy, no matter what our circumstances.  Living to our full potential.  Things I knew, but needed reminding.

Clues I’m getting better:
Wearing clothes about as much as pajamas.
Wearing shoes more than slippers.
Walking to get my mail. (Sweet neighbor used to do this for me.)
Flossing my teeth. (This is big, coming from the sponge toothbrush at the hospital.  Sisters were instructed to hide it from me when I was released.)

Day 60

(1-13)I just returned from my Dr. visit, but to fully understand my anticipation for today’s visit, we need to rewind to my check up on Dec. 30.  I had just participated in the wedding activities and family Christmas parties and was feeling great.  When they checked my labs, all of my blood counts had dropped from the time before, especially my white cell count.  The Dr. had expected to be able to release me to my other oncologist, but then she decided to keep me until today to recheck everything.  She mentioned a bone marrow test if the counts did not improve.  She had me stop all supplements and an antibiotic.

I have felt better and stronger each day and had asked my family to fast and pray for me.  I knew I was in the Lord’s hands, and that this was a time to work on my faith.  He could easily change my blood levels, but if this was a bump in the road, then I prayed that I would be strengthened to handle whatever I needed to.  Then there were other less faithful days when I thought if it was a bump, I would just crawl under the beautiful hand made quilt on my bed and not come out.

The results today showed the white blood cell count at 2.1 which was down from 2.5 last time, but the other numbers were up, which meant to her that the little stemmies were trying to get the WBC up.  Even though it wasn’t where she had hoped it would be, she said it was good and to come back in two more weeks.  She couldn’t explain why, but said sometimes they fluctuate, or I had a virus.  Yea!  My sister and Mother went as my cheerleaders and they were happy, too.

While we were waiting for the lab results to come back a patient slowly walked by us with his IV pole and caregiver following.  I had done this routine many times because they encouraged us to get out of bed and walk as much as we could.  It is a tedious, energy draining exercise, so I cheered him on as he passed.  He asked if I had been through the process.  He was on day 12 and having a bad day, so the very presence of someone on day 60 being up, dressed, and feeling good, seemed to boost him.  I remember when the Lord placed people in my path on that floor to give me encouragement and hope.

It was another reminder that one of our main purposes is to help each other on this journey.  My friend in Queen Creek has volunteered with “London’s Run” for several years and compares life with a race. "We all begin at birth and end at death.  It doesn't matter how one finishes the race--whether you have riches, are popular, or poor, etc., all that matters is how many people we have helped along the way."

This picture of my granddaughters, taken by their mother, says it all. 

The Chrysalis is Opening

(Sat.)  I’m writing this as three cute boys and a dad are blowing my front tree leaves into piles.  This is just the beginning of my January ‘fall’ with this tree.  There are squeals of laughter as they enjoy balancing the rakes on their hands, examine bugs, and try to get a pile big enough to jump into.  That last activity probably won’t occur for a few more weeks.  It’s sweet service like this that has blessed my life this season.

I began crawling out of my chrysalis a little more this past week.  One morning I was able to go to the sparsely attended first showing of the Disney movie, “Tangled”, with Alisa and Natalie, four years old.  It did my heart good to watch this darling show as Natalie sat spellbound for her second time.  Then on another beautiful afternoon, I met them at a park near their home to watch both granddaughters play for a short time.  “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair”, became the theme at the slides.

Another sunshiny day I decided to go to the Riparian Preserve for the first time in months.  I didn’t have the strength to walk around the lake this time, but I was able to go to my special spot and sit under the tree by the stream.  It has become one of my sacred groves where I can think, relax, pray, and just enjoy the beauty of nature, feeling like I am away from the rest of the world.  I don’t know what I would do without sanctuaries like this.  I have several places that have become dear to my heart including the plum tree grove in the back of my Snowflake home growing up as a child.  I would retreat there if I had a problem to solve, or just needed to think.  I could see the rest of the family in the house, but I was by myself hidden by the small trees.  I didn’t think of it as my sacred grove at that time, but now I know it was. 

Wedding pictures were ready this week and thanks to Alisa’s great editing, I was able to place an order for prints which kept my mind on happy things.  The newlyweds are busy setting up their own world, so these keep me close to them and the wonderful memories from the big event.  Organizing pictures, making dvds, and preserving family memories are probably my most favorite things to do.  Now I have the time.

Heavenly Father is so good to me.  So many blessings, as well as helping me to feel stronger each day.  My next Dr. appointment is on the 13th and it’s an important one.  I’ll update after that.

Happy 2011

It’s a brand new year, with new hopes, new challenges, and new adventures!  As my children left to go back to their own homes in Provo and Nashville, I was sad because with them went the noise, laughter, game nights, and life that had filled this house for 10 days.  It was the best medicine for me and I continually thanked the Lord that everyone was healthy and able to stay here.

I was feeling so blessed to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding events, that to be able to continue the good life by participating with my extended family in our traditional Christmas party and program, Christmas Eve Mexican dinner, and the Christmas Day dinner, was more than I expected.  My prayers were of praise and thanks with nothing else to ask for.

I was thinking of Christmases past, each having a story of its own.  Some of my memories include both boys throwing up at the same time in different bathrooms on Christmas morning, using a speaker phone to open presents with the kids because I was in the hospital, having a secret Santa deliver a large box of food to my doorstep my first Christmas as a single mom, and other years being the recipient of generous gifts of money left at the door. I know Christmas may not always be merry for everyone.  Maybe that’s why the New Year follows with hope for better. 

I know that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ love us, know each of us personally, and will not give us any trial beyond our ability to handle.

My Christmas Miracle

I am still smiling about my daughter’s wedding weekend, but first rewind time to Thanksgiving weekend.  I was physically and mentally at my worst.  I had seen Aubri and Bryan for a few minutes in the hospital, but on Sunday as they drove through snowy roads back to Provo, I was mourning the fact that the timing of my illness would cause me to miss my daughter’s wedding.  I prayed, asking for comfort, knowing there was a reason for it all.  Monday night I had a blessing that my ear ache and fever would calm down and I would be calm and able to sleep.  I did, and the next day, (Nov. 30), the Dr. felt I was well enough to be released.
  
At that time my goal was to attend her small wedding on Saturday (Dec. 18) and with my family’s help, it was looking like a go.  Then, two days before the wedding I saw my Dr. and she said I was doing so well that I should attend everything.  To be honest, this caught me off guard and I looked at Mark, questioning this.  Was I really ready to come out into the world?  After five months of pajama’s or hospital gowns this was a scarey prospect.

I knew the Lord had provided this miracle for me and I prayed for the faith to move forward.  It was an amazing weekend from beginning to end and I needed it to bring closure to my life with Aubri as my single daughter.

I was able to attend the wedding dinner Fri. night, which the Blacker family presented beautifully. I had fully intended to be there via skype and had typed out my advice to the couple for Mark to read.  I was able to sit at the table with his parents, next to Aubri, and deliver my thoughts in person. The love of family from both sides was very strong.

The wedding was Sat. at 12:45 in the LDS Temple.  It was a small group of family in a room filled with love and eternity.  I was able to be in a wheelchair and sit next to Aubri again.  The love that filled their eyes was deep and forever.  I needed to see that.  They couldn’t stop smiling, or keep their eyes off one another.  A new link in my posterity was formed.

One of the special parts of the whole weekend was being able to help her dress, and lace up the back of her wedding gown, at least three times, for pictures, wedding, and reception.  Just one of those many things I will remember forever.  She was healthy and able to stay here, which we had prayed for.  Russell was also able to come from Nashville and took over as my care-giver for the week.  Mark was a key player in the wedding planning and I was able to see Alisa and my granddaughters finally after many weeks.

My energy was running low, but I was so excited to be able to attend the reception in person.  I participated in pictures, then sat at a far table to observe for a while.  It was a gift of love to me and my family how everything came together, from decorations, food, set up and clean up, to all the little details you take for granted at others’ receptions.  Thanks to all of you who helped in anyway. Thanks, also, to those who attended on this very busy Saturday night.  I could just feel the love and support in that room.

I can’t express enough thanks to my Savior and Heavenly Father for their love and strength that allowed me to do this.  I know miracles still happen and I was part of one.

“For with God, nothing shall be impossible.  And Mary said, ‘Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word’.”  (Luke 1:37-38)

Merry Christmas!

HO HO HOME Again!

It’s been a whole week I have been home now and I finally have enough energy to begin  my blog again.  I was greeted at home by my mother and sisters, with a big, warm red robe for around the house and a big, white one to cuddle into after my showers.  There have been two of them around day and night for the past week, and they have not stopped a minute. I thank them and other friends who totally cleaned my living area to make it germ free.  Sometimes between my care givers’ cleaning and specific food prep we will watch a Hallmark Christmas movie together.  At one of those times Kathy remarked that it was like ‘Little Women’ and we were stuck inside for the winter.

I checked out of the hospital after 26 days. This is about average for many patients, but shorter for others.  I usually had a family member visit me each day, which was a blessing, but many of the hours seemed to go very slowly.  They had a TV in my room and a big library of dvd’s, but my vision was too blurry to watch anything.  I was happy to have Kathy’s laptop, but my fingers/mind wouldn’t work right.  So I did a lot of pondering and visiting (talking out loud) with the Lord. He understands chemo brain. (Kind of like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, minus the dramatics).  I tried to keep the thoughts positive and a big bulletin board of family pictures directly in front of my bed helped with that.  That was my focus and brought up many fun conversations about my beautiful family and the upcoming wedding.

One world record I might have broken was that I ate cooked oatmeal with a half cut up washed banana in it, three meals a day for the entire 26 days.  It worked for me.  There were times I could barely swallow and my mouth sores were so bad, that the soft texture would just slide down.  It agreed with my taste buds and stayed down most of the time.  I didn’t have to decide what I wanted each meal.  Some days I would eat a few bites, and other days, more.  Some of the nurses teased me about my diet, but I didn’t have to be fed via IV tube.

Some things I took for granted again and now realize that I’m home:  I can flush the toilet.  They had to measure every drop in and out of me, so I never got to flush.  My dad was the hero when he bought me some very soft toilet paper.  Theirs was so thin, you could see through it.  I also get to brush with a real toothbrush.  I could only use sponge ones there so my mouth wouldn’t bleed.  I also have a heater in my bathroom I can control during my showers.

My goal now is to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding (sealing) on the afternoon of the 18th.  It may be with wheelchair, gloves, masks, and maybe just parents, but it will be worth it.  The Dr.’s think this can work, so I’m trying to do more water drinking, walking, getting out in the sun each day, and doing back exercises.  Keep in mind these are approx. 5 minute activities, then I rest after each strenuous output. Ha.

My dad is also helping out by (not only sharing mom with me daily) but he calls me each day with some jokes to make me laugh.  He said that’s the best medicine.

I have returned to the hospital 3 times since my release so they can check labs and give IV’s if needed.  Today there was a man who looked pretty good, so I asked if he had been through this process.  He said it had been 8 years ago, but he told the Dr. it was the best thing that had happened to him.  Wow, just what I needed to hear as I strive for patience with little improvements each day.

It has been a miraculous process to witness.  The old skin peeled off my hands and I have watched the new cells form baby soft skin.  The same is happening in my mouth and other unseen areas.  Such a cleansing and renewal is taking place!  My hope is that my heart will also be stripped of hard, old cells, and impurities removed, replaced with Christlike love.  That would be the true miracle . . . but that is already available to everyone through the atonement!

Thanksgiving Week

I am dictating this blog as Mark types it so I wouldn't get too far behind. It has been 17 days since the transplant and they call these "positive days" because your body is creating all new cells. Despite a few small feverish temperatures, I have done well and have been able to sit up at times watching the Black Friday sales on my laptop.

Aubri and her fiance, Bryan, were able to drive down from BYU for Thanksgiving. The family ate at Judy's house and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I can honestly say that a half a bowl of Cheerios did not make the day my best Thanksgiving ever, but being able to Skype with the family helped. I really didn't have much of an appetite for anything other than Cheerios anyway.

Aubri was able to go through the Temple with family in preparation for her wedding in December. Aubri also had her bridal shower yesterday (Saturday) and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I was able to watch her open her grown-up cooking "toys" now.  The shower was beautiful and took a lot of work from family and friends. Even though I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Aubri and Bryan personally, it was good to know that they were here.

My mother, sisters, and Ward friends spent the week making my house germ and dust free for my return. They spent many hours removing draperies and any dust catchers, and having the carpets and air ducts cleaned. It may not be too long until I get to enjoy it.