One year ago. November 5-12, 2010. What was to most people just the second week in November turned out to be the most physically challenging week of my life. It was the week I had the killer chemo and transplant of my stem cells. My second birthday! I celebrated today by having lunch with my sisters and mother, my caretakers last year.
I have reflected often this week with gratitude for my life and praise to my Heavenly Father for his gift of this second life. I am well, teaching again, and enjoying many family experiences that I would have missed had I not been spared. Smells are sweeter, the world is more beautiful, and opportunities abound. Tears have been close to the surface as I reflect.
Life has taken on a new perspective for me in many ways. I look at life’s demands with more of an eternal perspective now and decide if it’s worth the time, worry, or stress that I used to place on many things. I’m happier, more grateful, and know with a surety that the Lord is there for me and my Heavenly Father has a plan for each one of us. Our job is to listen and let Him guide us where we are to go and who we are to serve. I have more faith in Him and the paths of my children and desire to sit back and watch with fascination at how the Lord is working in their lives. When life throws in hard things, I remember that anything is better than being in a hospital bed and maybe it’s not as hard as I had once thought it was.
Relationships are still the most important part of this life and I’m grateful for all of you.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Miracles Continue
When I was at my worst in the hospital, I visualized goals in the future to help me get through the tough times. I was blessed that I would be able to return to life as I once knew it. My spirit clung to that thought. The following miracles are some of those goals realized.
During my last visit with stem cell Dr. on Feb. 24th, I received the good news that my pet scan showed no evidence of cancer. Yahoo! She has released me back to the care of my regular oncologist on this side of the valley. Miracle one . . .
I was able to begin teaching again the end of February for three mornings a week. The teachers at Sonoma Ranch are a special group of friends, many of us having worked together for 14 years. They honored me with a breakfast on the day of my return and continue to support me as I get back into the rhythm of life. As I met with the students, it all came back to me why I love teaching. Miracle two . . .
Emily Deanne, third most beautiful granddaughter, was born on March 9 to Mark and Alisa. Her features are a combination of both of her older sisters, face of Natalie and Hannah’s red hair. Mark had a second hospital visit in the interim but was home on his spring break for the birth. We are awaiting pet scan results for him, but are optimistic about the outcome. I have said many prayers of thanks for the opportunity to be alive to welcome Emily to our family. Miracle three . . .
Other goals yet to be realized in the future include Aubri’s graduation from BYU on April 21 and Mark’s graduation from law school in May. I plan to attend Aubri’s graduation and feel such gratitude for the strength that I have to do this.
My hair is about 1/4 inch long. Some days I think I may keep it this long.
I am eating salad and fresh fruits and vegetables again and loving it.
I have the strength to clean my own house.
I am attending Sacrament meeting on Sundays.
I have been able to go to the Temple and enjoy the Spirit there.
My granddaughters are frequent visitors at my home again.
My new fingernails are almost grown out.
I can walk around the block without heavy breathing.
As I ended my visit with the Dr., I asked about the rates of reoccurrence. She said they hadn’t tracked their patients lives after leaving their care, and I realized that even if she had given me an answer I was happy with, no one knows the answer to that except God. I could have a car accident today and die in a totally unrelated cause. I have come to realize even stronger now, that we are all here on the earth to perform a special mission that only we can do. The Lord knows and loves us individually and I need to continue to submit to His will, and follow where He directs me, because He continues to take me to much better places than I could map out on my own. The Miracles will continue as I grow stronger and marvel at the goodness of the Lord in His gift of this second life.
During my last visit with stem cell Dr. on Feb. 24th, I received the good news that my pet scan showed no evidence of cancer. Yahoo! She has released me back to the care of my regular oncologist on this side of the valley. Miracle one . . .
I was able to begin teaching again the end of February for three mornings a week. The teachers at Sonoma Ranch are a special group of friends, many of us having worked together for 14 years. They honored me with a breakfast on the day of my return and continue to support me as I get back into the rhythm of life. As I met with the students, it all came back to me why I love teaching. Miracle two . . .
Emily Deanne, third most beautiful granddaughter, was born on March 9 to Mark and Alisa. Her features are a combination of both of her older sisters, face of Natalie and Hannah’s red hair. Mark had a second hospital visit in the interim but was home on his spring break for the birth. We are awaiting pet scan results for him, but are optimistic about the outcome. I have said many prayers of thanks for the opportunity to be alive to welcome Emily to our family. Miracle three . . .
Other goals yet to be realized in the future include Aubri’s graduation from BYU on April 21 and Mark’s graduation from law school in May. I plan to attend Aubri’s graduation and feel such gratitude for the strength that I have to do this.
My hair is about 1/4 inch long. Some days I think I may keep it this long.
I am eating salad and fresh fruits and vegetables again and loving it.
I have the strength to clean my own house.
I am attending Sacrament meeting on Sundays.
I have been able to go to the Temple and enjoy the Spirit there.
My granddaughters are frequent visitors at my home again.
My new fingernails are almost grown out.
I can walk around the block without heavy breathing.
As I ended my visit with the Dr., I asked about the rates of reoccurrence. She said they hadn’t tracked their patients lives after leaving their care, and I realized that even if she had given me an answer I was happy with, no one knows the answer to that except God. I could have a car accident today and die in a totally unrelated cause. I have come to realize even stronger now, that we are all here on the earth to perform a special mission that only we can do. The Lord knows and loves us individually and I need to continue to submit to His will, and follow where He directs me, because He continues to take me to much better places than I could map out on my own. The Miracles will continue as I grow stronger and marvel at the goodness of the Lord in His gift of this second life.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
100 Days!
Today marks 100 days since my stem cell transplant. This is the often-talked-about marker of wellness for stem cell patients to work towards, when they are released from the hospital. 100 days ago seemed like light years away. Today I look back in awe and thankfulness at all the healing and miracles that have occurred. I had my final Ct scan and Pet scan on Valentine's Day to check for any remaining cancer cells, but I won't know the results until my visit with the Dr. on Thursday. I am feeling the best I have through this journey.
Meanwhile, it has been a cra•zy week! In my last blog I mentioned that my son, Mark, was hospitalized for pulmonary embolism. He was able to return home after a week’s stay and is continuing tests to figure out the cause and treatment. Four days after his return, his wife, Alisa, who is due with their third child mid March, had bad pain in the middle of the night and was taken by ambulance to the hospital with possible kidney problems. Luckily she was released the next day with pain meds and began to improve each day. It might have been a kidney stone.
Then my mother began feeling ill the end of the week of Alisa’s hospitalization and went to the Dr., but they sent her home with a fever and other symptoms over the weekend to wait until Monday for tests. When she went for the tests they sent her right over to the emergency room at Baywood Hospital where she was hospitalized (after a 10 hour wait) for an infected gall bladder and operated on the following day. She was released last Thursday, so we have been able to help her, with extra care from my sister who came down from Utah for the weekend. Whew. We hope we are done with hospitals at least until the baby comes.
This week, I will begin teaching again for three mornings a week until after spring break when I will begin full time. I am ready to go back, but it feels like the first day of school approaching and I have a few butterflies in my stomach when I think of going back out into the world. I continue to pray that God will guide me to those paths that He would have me travel during this second life.
I read this quote from Joseph F. McConkie’s devotional address at BYU: “It is not the design of heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations. Rather, it is the Lord’s will that we learn to handle them.
The sense of being overwhelmed is very much a part of the journey. The power with which God clothes us in His holy temples does not imply that our journey will be an easy one.
As we accept our lot and move forward with what the Lord has asked of us, we discover that we enjoy the company of the Holy Ghost, angels feel constrained to join us, and the heavens open to our vision.” (Feb. Ensign, p.29)
I need to be reminded of this as I continue to travel my journey with angels. With my birthday two days away, it will truly be a celebration of life.
Meanwhile, it has been a cra•zy week! In my last blog I mentioned that my son, Mark, was hospitalized for pulmonary embolism. He was able to return home after a week’s stay and is continuing tests to figure out the cause and treatment. Four days after his return, his wife, Alisa, who is due with their third child mid March, had bad pain in the middle of the night and was taken by ambulance to the hospital with possible kidney problems. Luckily she was released the next day with pain meds and began to improve each day. It might have been a kidney stone.
Then my mother began feeling ill the end of the week of Alisa’s hospitalization and went to the Dr., but they sent her home with a fever and other symptoms over the weekend to wait until Monday for tests. When she went for the tests they sent her right over to the emergency room at Baywood Hospital where she was hospitalized (after a 10 hour wait) for an infected gall bladder and operated on the following day. She was released last Thursday, so we have been able to help her, with extra care from my sister who came down from Utah for the weekend. Whew. We hope we are done with hospitals at least until the baby comes.
This week, I will begin teaching again for three mornings a week until after spring break when I will begin full time. I am ready to go back, but it feels like the first day of school approaching and I have a few butterflies in my stomach when I think of going back out into the world. I continue to pray that God will guide me to those paths that He would have me travel during this second life.
I read this quote from Joseph F. McConkie’s devotional address at BYU: “It is not the design of heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations. Rather, it is the Lord’s will that we learn to handle them.
The sense of being overwhelmed is very much a part of the journey. The power with which God clothes us in His holy temples does not imply that our journey will be an easy one.
As we accept our lot and move forward with what the Lord has asked of us, we discover that we enjoy the company of the Holy Ghost, angels feel constrained to join us, and the heavens open to our vision.” (Feb. Ensign, p.29)
I need to be reminded of this as I continue to travel my journey with angels. With my birthday two days away, it will truly be a celebration of life.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Moving Ahead
It was good news at my last Dr. appointment when I saw all my counts go up. My white count is at 3.4 (up from 2.1). Normal is 4-12 so I'm getting there. All the other counts went up, also. Yahoo! She set up my 100 day tests (Ct scan and Pet scan) for the week of Feb. 14 and I will see her on the 24th for results, then she will release me to my regular oncologist.
I am mentally adjusting to the idea of going back to work and as I get stronger, the idea feels better. Because my immune system is still compromised, I will need to be careful of germs, but I will wear my lovely duck mask and gloves. Children are the most accepting about appearances. I went hat shopping and found winter sales on hats I can wear to trade off with my wigs. My hair is coming in black, including eyebrows and eyelashes. It will be interesting to see how it ends up this time.
A change in roles occurred this weekend. My oldest son, Mark, was hospitalized for pulmonary embolism (blood clots in both lungs). It’s serious and he was blessed to go to the ER when he did, (he was experiencing shortness of breath and not feeling well). The Dr. said if he had waited two more days, he wouldn’t have made it. They are doing several tests to determine the cause and one result will come back tomorrow. That will help him know where to go from here. I have been able to tend my granddaughters while his wife is with him and am so grateful I am healthy enough to do this and pray that they will stay healthy this week. However, it’s hard for me to feel like I can be happy and go on with my life while he is in the hospital. I guess that’s what my family felt during my hospitalization. We know he is in the Lord's hands and that he will be guided through this and his little family strengthened. As Mark told me during my battle, "the Lord is aware of what we are going through, but it may not be His will to remove the hard things."
I went to part of my church meetings today for the first time in six months. It was wonderful to feel the same spirit and love in the group, that I had felt while I was home. I sat in the back with my mask and left right after the meeting, thinking I will give it a few more weeks before I begin to mingle. I am so grateful for all of their help on my journey.
My prayers are continual thanks for all that I have gone through and how well I feel now. I still marvel at my freedom at home to choose when and what I eat, when to sleep, and that I have a cozy bathroom instead of a commode. I love the Lord and my second (third?) chance at life! I find myself asking, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” more often, and then doing it.
I am mentally adjusting to the idea of going back to work and as I get stronger, the idea feels better. Because my immune system is still compromised, I will need to be careful of germs, but I will wear my lovely duck mask and gloves. Children are the most accepting about appearances. I went hat shopping and found winter sales on hats I can wear to trade off with my wigs. My hair is coming in black, including eyebrows and eyelashes. It will be interesting to see how it ends up this time.
A change in roles occurred this weekend. My oldest son, Mark, was hospitalized for pulmonary embolism (blood clots in both lungs). It’s serious and he was blessed to go to the ER when he did, (he was experiencing shortness of breath and not feeling well). The Dr. said if he had waited two more days, he wouldn’t have made it. They are doing several tests to determine the cause and one result will come back tomorrow. That will help him know where to go from here. I have been able to tend my granddaughters while his wife is with him and am so grateful I am healthy enough to do this and pray that they will stay healthy this week. However, it’s hard for me to feel like I can be happy and go on with my life while he is in the hospital. I guess that’s what my family felt during my hospitalization. We know he is in the Lord's hands and that he will be guided through this and his little family strengthened. As Mark told me during my battle, "the Lord is aware of what we are going through, but it may not be His will to remove the hard things."
I went to part of my church meetings today for the first time in six months. It was wonderful to feel the same spirit and love in the group, that I had felt while I was home. I sat in the back with my mask and left right after the meeting, thinking I will give it a few more weeks before I begin to mingle. I am so grateful for all of their help on my journey.
My prayers are continual thanks for all that I have gone through and how well I feel now. I still marvel at my freedom at home to choose when and what I eat, when to sleep, and that I have a cozy bathroom instead of a commode. I love the Lord and my second (third?) chance at life! I find myself asking, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” more often, and then doing it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
An Amazing Book
Someone once asked me what I did with all my time. I started to make a list which looked a little flimsy considering I was home all day. Healing. But then my list began to take on more depth as I gained strength. The wedding planning took most of my time prior to Christmas, but since then I have been able to walk more, prepare my own meals, work on family video projects, and read.
Last night I finished one of those great books where a single reading is not enough. The kind that keeps rolling around in your mind until you get back to it. I’m not a night owl who can read a book in one sitting, but this would probably fall into that category of those who do.
The book is an autobiography, And There Was Light, written by Jacques Lusseyran. It had been recommended by a friend in the 90’s when its message was as pertinent to me then as it is now. It wasn’t an easy read because there is so much depth to it, but I discovered a newness about it this second time; a reminder about life, its deeper meaning, and the untapped resources that are available for us to take full advantage of within the soul. In my list of top three, it’s right up there next to The Hiding Place , by Corrie Ten Boom, and The Robe by Douglas.
Jacques was blinded in an accident as a child of eight, and masterfully writes how he used his blindness as a gift instead of a handicap. He is able to describe light, fear, love, music, and friendship in words that paint pictures even though these are intangible. At age 16 he became a leader in the French underground movement during World War II, using his heightened senses to provide leadership, hope, and courage to those around him. As a Christian, he recognized the hand of the Lord in his life, sustaining him through the worst of times. His life makes mine look like a walk in the park.
He ends the book with these “two truths, intimately known to him and reaching beyond all boundaries. The first of these is that joy does not come from outside, for whatever happens to us it is within. The second truth is that light does not come to us from without, Light is in us, even if we have no eyes.” (pg. 312)
It has caused me to become more appreciative and aware of life around me. Gifts freely given that I need to take more advantage of. Happiness, joy, no matter what our circumstances. Living to our full potential. Things I knew, but needed reminding.
Clues I’m getting better:
Wearing clothes about as much as pajamas.
Wearing shoes more than slippers.
Walking to get my mail. (Sweet neighbor used to do this for me.)
Flossing my teeth. (This is big, coming from the sponge toothbrush at the hospital. Sisters were instructed to hide it from me when I was released.)
Last night I finished one of those great books where a single reading is not enough. The kind that keeps rolling around in your mind until you get back to it. I’m not a night owl who can read a book in one sitting, but this would probably fall into that category of those who do.
The book is an autobiography, And There Was Light, written by Jacques Lusseyran. It had been recommended by a friend in the 90’s when its message was as pertinent to me then as it is now. It wasn’t an easy read because there is so much depth to it, but I discovered a newness about it this second time; a reminder about life, its deeper meaning, and the untapped resources that are available for us to take full advantage of within the soul. In my list of top three, it’s right up there next to The Hiding Place , by Corrie Ten Boom, and The Robe by Douglas.
Jacques was blinded in an accident as a child of eight, and masterfully writes how he used his blindness as a gift instead of a handicap. He is able to describe light, fear, love, music, and friendship in words that paint pictures even though these are intangible. At age 16 he became a leader in the French underground movement during World War II, using his heightened senses to provide leadership, hope, and courage to those around him. As a Christian, he recognized the hand of the Lord in his life, sustaining him through the worst of times. His life makes mine look like a walk in the park.
He ends the book with these “two truths, intimately known to him and reaching beyond all boundaries. The first of these is that joy does not come from outside, for whatever happens to us it is within. The second truth is that light does not come to us from without, Light is in us, even if we have no eyes.” (pg. 312)
It has caused me to become more appreciative and aware of life around me. Gifts freely given that I need to take more advantage of. Happiness, joy, no matter what our circumstances. Living to our full potential. Things I knew, but needed reminding.
Clues I’m getting better:
Wearing clothes about as much as pajamas.
Wearing shoes more than slippers.
Walking to get my mail. (Sweet neighbor used to do this for me.)
Flossing my teeth. (This is big, coming from the sponge toothbrush at the hospital. Sisters were instructed to hide it from me when I was released.)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Day 60
(1-13)I just returned from my Dr. visit, but to fully understand my anticipation for today’s visit, we need to rewind to my check up on Dec. 30. I had just participated in the wedding activities and family Christmas parties and was feeling great. When they checked my labs, all of my blood counts had dropped from the time before, especially my white cell count. The Dr. had expected to be able to release me to my other oncologist, but then she decided to keep me until today to recheck everything. She mentioned a bone marrow test if the counts did not improve. She had me stop all supplements and an antibiotic.
I have felt better and stronger each day and had asked my family to fast and pray for me. I knew I was in the Lord’s hands, and that this was a time to work on my faith. He could easily change my blood levels, but if this was a bump in the road, then I prayed that I would be strengthened to handle whatever I needed to. Then there were other less faithful days when I thought if it was a bump, I would just crawl under the beautiful hand made quilt on my bed and not come out.
The results today showed the white blood cell count at 2.1 which was down from 2.5 last time, but the other numbers were up, which meant to her that the little stemmies were trying to get the WBC up. Even though it wasn’t where she had hoped it would be, she said it was good and to come back in two more weeks. She couldn’t explain why, but said sometimes they fluctuate, or I had a virus. Yea! My sister and Mother went as my cheerleaders and they were happy, too.
This picture of my granddaughters, taken by their mother, says it all.
I have felt better and stronger each day and had asked my family to fast and pray for me. I knew I was in the Lord’s hands, and that this was a time to work on my faith. He could easily change my blood levels, but if this was a bump in the road, then I prayed that I would be strengthened to handle whatever I needed to. Then there were other less faithful days when I thought if it was a bump, I would just crawl under the beautiful hand made quilt on my bed and not come out.
The results today showed the white blood cell count at 2.1 which was down from 2.5 last time, but the other numbers were up, which meant to her that the little stemmies were trying to get the WBC up. Even though it wasn’t where she had hoped it would be, she said it was good and to come back in two more weeks. She couldn’t explain why, but said sometimes they fluctuate, or I had a virus. Yea! My sister and Mother went as my cheerleaders and they were happy, too.
While we were waiting for the lab results to come back a patient slowly walked by us with his IV pole and caregiver following. I had done this routine many times because they encouraged us to get out of bed and walk as much as we could. It is a tedious, energy draining exercise, so I cheered him on as he passed. He asked if I had been through the process. He was on day 12 and having a bad day, so the very presence of someone on day 60 being up, dressed, and feeling good, seemed to boost him. I remember when the Lord placed people in my path on that floor to give me encouragement and hope.
It was another reminder that one of our main purposes is to help each other on this journey. My friend in Queen Creek has volunteered with “London’s Run” for several years and compares life with a race. "We all begin at birth and end at death. It doesn't matter how one finishes the race--whether you have riches, are popular, or poor, etc., all that matters is how many people we have helped along the way."
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Chrysalis is Opening
(Sat.) I’m writing this as three cute boys and a dad are blowing my front tree leaves into piles. This is just the beginning of my January ‘fall’ with this tree. There are squeals of laughter as they enjoy balancing the rakes on their hands, examine bugs, and try to get a pile big enough to jump into. That last activity probably won’t occur for a few more weeks. It’s sweet service like this that has blessed my life this season.
I began crawling out of my chrysalis a little more this past week. One morning I was able to go to the sparsely attended first showing of the Disney movie, “Tangled”, with Alisa and Natalie, four years old. It did my heart good to watch this darling show as Natalie sat spellbound for her second time. Then on another beautiful afternoon, I met them at a park near their home to watch both granddaughters play for a short time. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair”, became the theme at the slides.
Another sunshiny day I decided to go to the Riparian Preserve for the first time in months. I didn’t have the strength to walk around the lake this time, but I was able to go to my special spot and sit under the tree by the stream. It has become one of my sacred groves where I can think, relax, pray, and just enjoy the beauty of nature, feeling like I am away from the rest of the world. I don’t know what I would do without sanctuaries like this. I have several places that have become dear to my heart including the plum tree grove in the back of my Snowflake home growing up as a child. I would retreat there if I had a problem to solve, or just needed to think. I could see the rest of the family in the house, but I was by myself hidden by the small trees. I didn’t think of it as my sacred grove at that time, but now I know it was.
Wedding pictures were ready this week and thanks to Alisa’s great editing, I was able to place an order for prints which kept my mind on happy things. The newlyweds are busy setting up their own world, so these keep me close to them and the wonderful memories from the big event. Organizing pictures, making dvds, and preserving family memories are probably my most favorite things to do. Now I have the time.
Heavenly Father is so good to me. So many blessings, as well as helping me to feel stronger each day. My next Dr. appointment is on the 13th and it’s an important one. I’ll update after that.
I began crawling out of my chrysalis a little more this past week. One morning I was able to go to the sparsely attended first showing of the Disney movie, “Tangled”, with Alisa and Natalie, four years old. It did my heart good to watch this darling show as Natalie sat spellbound for her second time. Then on another beautiful afternoon, I met them at a park near their home to watch both granddaughters play for a short time. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair”, became the theme at the slides.
Another sunshiny day I decided to go to the Riparian Preserve for the first time in months. I didn’t have the strength to walk around the lake this time, but I was able to go to my special spot and sit under the tree by the stream. It has become one of my sacred groves where I can think, relax, pray, and just enjoy the beauty of nature, feeling like I am away from the rest of the world. I don’t know what I would do without sanctuaries like this. I have several places that have become dear to my heart including the plum tree grove in the back of my Snowflake home growing up as a child. I would retreat there if I had a problem to solve, or just needed to think. I could see the rest of the family in the house, but I was by myself hidden by the small trees. I didn’t think of it as my sacred grove at that time, but now I know it was.
Wedding pictures were ready this week and thanks to Alisa’s great editing, I was able to place an order for prints which kept my mind on happy things. The newlyweds are busy setting up their own world, so these keep me close to them and the wonderful memories from the big event. Organizing pictures, making dvds, and preserving family memories are probably my most favorite things to do. Now I have the time.
Heavenly Father is so good to me. So many blessings, as well as helping me to feel stronger each day. My next Dr. appointment is on the 13th and it’s an important one. I’ll update after that.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Happy 2011
It’s a brand new year, with new hopes, new challenges, and new adventures! As my children left to go back to their own homes in Provo and Nashville, I was sad because with them went the noise, laughter, game nights, and life that had filled this house for 10 days. It was the best medicine for me and I continually thanked the Lord that everyone was healthy and able to stay here.
I was feeling so blessed to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding events, that to be able to continue the good life by participating with my extended family in our traditional Christmas party and program, Christmas Eve Mexican dinner, and the Christmas Day dinner, was more than I expected. My prayers were of praise and thanks with nothing else to ask for.
I was thinking of Christmases past, each having a story of its own. Some of my memories include both boys throwing up at the same time in different bathrooms on Christmas morning, using a speaker phone to open presents with the kids because I was in the hospital, having a secret Santa deliver a large box of food to my doorstep my first Christmas as a single mom, and other years being the recipient of generous gifts of money left at the door. I know Christmas may not always be merry for everyone. Maybe that’s why the New Year follows with hope for better.
I know that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ love us, know each of us personally, and will not give us any trial beyond our ability to handle.
I was feeling so blessed to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding events, that to be able to continue the good life by participating with my extended family in our traditional Christmas party and program, Christmas Eve Mexican dinner, and the Christmas Day dinner, was more than I expected. My prayers were of praise and thanks with nothing else to ask for.
I was thinking of Christmases past, each having a story of its own. Some of my memories include both boys throwing up at the same time in different bathrooms on Christmas morning, using a speaker phone to open presents with the kids because I was in the hospital, having a secret Santa deliver a large box of food to my doorstep my first Christmas as a single mom, and other years being the recipient of generous gifts of money left at the door. I know Christmas may not always be merry for everyone. Maybe that’s why the New Year follows with hope for better.
I know that Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ love us, know each of us personally, and will not give us any trial beyond our ability to handle.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
My Christmas Miracle
I am still smiling about my daughter’s wedding weekend, but first rewind time to Thanksgiving weekend. I was physically and mentally at my worst. I had seen Aubri and Bryan for a few minutes in the hospital, but on Sunday as they drove through snowy roads back to Provo, I was mourning the fact that the timing of my illness would cause me to miss my daughter’s wedding. I prayed, asking for comfort, knowing there was a reason for it all. Monday night I had a blessing that my ear ache and fever would calm down and I would be calm and able to sleep. I did, and the next day, (Nov. 30), the Dr. felt I was well enough to be released.
At that time my goal was to attend her small wedding on Saturday (Dec. 18) and with my family’s help, it was looking like a go. Then, two days before the wedding I saw my Dr. and she said I was doing so well that I should attend everything. To be honest, this caught me off guard and I looked at Mark, questioning this. Was I really ready to come out into the world? After five months of pajama’s or hospital gowns this was a scarey prospect.
I knew the Lord had provided this miracle for me and I prayed for the faith to move forward. It was an amazing weekend from beginning to end and I needed it to bring closure to my life with Aubri as my single daughter.
I was able to attend the wedding dinner Fri. night, which the Blacker family presented beautifully. I had fully intended to be there via skype and had typed out my advice to the couple for Mark to read. I was able to sit at the table with his parents, next to Aubri, and deliver my thoughts in person. The love of family from both sides was very strong.
The wedding was Sat. at 12:45 in the LDS Temple. It was a small group of family in a room filled with love and eternity. I was able to be in a wheelchair and sit next to Aubri again. The love that filled their eyes was deep and forever. I needed to see that. They couldn’t stop smiling, or keep their eyes off one another. A new link in my posterity was formed.
One of the special parts of the whole weekend was being able to help her dress, and lace up the back of her wedding gown, at least three times, for pictures, wedding, and reception. Just one of those many things I will remember forever. She was healthy and able to stay here, which we had prayed for. Russell was also able to come from Nashville and took over as my care-giver for the week. Mark was a key player in the wedding planning and I was able to see Alisa and my granddaughters finally after many weeks.
My energy was running low, but I was so excited to be able to attend the reception in person. I participated in pictures, then sat at a far table to observe for a while. It was a gift of love to me and my family how everything came together, from decorations, food, set up and clean up, to all the little details you take for granted at others’ receptions. Thanks to all of you who helped in anyway. Thanks, also, to those who attended on this very busy Saturday night. I could just feel the love and support in that room.
I can’t express enough thanks to my Savior and Heavenly Father for their love and strength that allowed me to do this. I know miracles still happen and I was part of one.
“For with God, nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, ‘Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word’.” (Luke 1:37-38)
Merry Christmas!
At that time my goal was to attend her small wedding on Saturday (Dec. 18) and with my family’s help, it was looking like a go. Then, two days before the wedding I saw my Dr. and she said I was doing so well that I should attend everything. To be honest, this caught me off guard and I looked at Mark, questioning this. Was I really ready to come out into the world? After five months of pajama’s or hospital gowns this was a scarey prospect.
I knew the Lord had provided this miracle for me and I prayed for the faith to move forward. It was an amazing weekend from beginning to end and I needed it to bring closure to my life with Aubri as my single daughter.
I was able to attend the wedding dinner Fri. night, which the Blacker family presented beautifully. I had fully intended to be there via skype and had typed out my advice to the couple for Mark to read. I was able to sit at the table with his parents, next to Aubri, and deliver my thoughts in person. The love of family from both sides was very strong.
The wedding was Sat. at 12:45 in the LDS Temple. It was a small group of family in a room filled with love and eternity. I was able to be in a wheelchair and sit next to Aubri again. The love that filled their eyes was deep and forever. I needed to see that. They couldn’t stop smiling, or keep their eyes off one another. A new link in my posterity was formed.
One of the special parts of the whole weekend was being able to help her dress, and lace up the back of her wedding gown, at least three times, for pictures, wedding, and reception. Just one of those many things I will remember forever. She was healthy and able to stay here, which we had prayed for. Russell was also able to come from Nashville and took over as my care-giver for the week. Mark was a key player in the wedding planning and I was able to see Alisa and my granddaughters finally after many weeks.
My energy was running low, but I was so excited to be able to attend the reception in person. I participated in pictures, then sat at a far table to observe for a while. It was a gift of love to me and my family how everything came together, from decorations, food, set up and clean up, to all the little details you take for granted at others’ receptions. Thanks to all of you who helped in anyway. Thanks, also, to those who attended on this very busy Saturday night. I could just feel the love and support in that room.
I can’t express enough thanks to my Savior and Heavenly Father for their love and strength that allowed me to do this. I know miracles still happen and I was part of one.
“For with God, nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, ‘Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word’.” (Luke 1:37-38)
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
HO HO HOME Again!
It’s been a whole week I have been home now and I finally have enough energy to begin my blog again. I was greeted at home by my mother and sisters, with a big, warm red robe for around the house and a big, white one to cuddle into after my showers. There have been two of them around day and night for the past week, and they have not stopped a minute. I thank them and other friends who totally cleaned my living area to make it germ free. Sometimes between my care givers’ cleaning and specific food prep we will watch a Hallmark Christmas movie together. At one of those times Kathy remarked that it was like ‘Little Women’ and we were stuck inside for the winter.
I checked out of the hospital after 26 days. This is about average for many patients, but shorter for others. I usually had a family member visit me each day, which was a blessing, but many of the hours seemed to go very slowly. They had a TV in my room and a big library of dvd’s, but my vision was too blurry to watch anything. I was happy to have Kathy’s laptop, but my fingers/mind wouldn’t work right. So I did a lot of pondering and visiting (talking out loud) with the Lord. He understands chemo brain. (Kind of like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, minus the dramatics). I tried to keep the thoughts positive and a big bulletin board of family pictures directly in front of my bed helped with that. That was my focus and brought up many fun conversations about my beautiful family and the upcoming wedding.
One world record I might have broken was that I ate cooked oatmeal with a half cut up washed banana in it, three meals a day for the entire 26 days. It worked for me. There were times I could barely swallow and my mouth sores were so bad, that the soft texture would just slide down. It agreed with my taste buds and stayed down most of the time. I didn’t have to decide what I wanted each meal. Some days I would eat a few bites, and other days, more. Some of the nurses teased me about my diet, but I didn’t have to be fed via IV tube.
Some things I took for granted again and now realize that I’m home: I can flush the toilet. They had to measure every drop in and out of me, so I never got to flush. My dad was the hero when he bought me some very soft toilet paper. Theirs was so thin, you could see through it. I also get to brush with a real toothbrush. I could only use sponge ones there so my mouth wouldn’t bleed. I also have a heater in my bathroom I can control during my showers.
My goal now is to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding (sealing) on the afternoon of the 18th. It may be with wheelchair, gloves, masks, and maybe just parents, but it will be worth it. The Dr.’s think this can work, so I’m trying to do more water drinking, walking, getting out in the sun each day, and doing back exercises. Keep in mind these are approx. 5 minute activities, then I rest after each strenuous output. Ha.
My dad is also helping out by (not only sharing mom with me daily) but he calls me each day with some jokes to make me laugh. He said that’s the best medicine.
I have returned to the hospital 3 times since my release so they can check labs and give IV’s if needed. Today there was a man who looked pretty good, so I asked if he had been through this process. He said it had been 8 years ago, but he told the Dr. it was the best thing that had happened to him. Wow, just what I needed to hear as I strive for patience with little improvements each day.
It has been a miraculous process to witness. The old skin peeled off my hands and I have watched the new cells form baby soft skin. The same is happening in my mouth and other unseen areas. Such a cleansing and renewal is taking place! My hope is that my heart will also be stripped of hard, old cells, and impurities removed, replaced with Christlike love. That would be the true miracle . . . but that is already available to everyone through the atonement!
I checked out of the hospital after 26 days. This is about average for many patients, but shorter for others. I usually had a family member visit me each day, which was a blessing, but many of the hours seemed to go very slowly. They had a TV in my room and a big library of dvd’s, but my vision was too blurry to watch anything. I was happy to have Kathy’s laptop, but my fingers/mind wouldn’t work right. So I did a lot of pondering and visiting (talking out loud) with the Lord. He understands chemo brain. (Kind of like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, minus the dramatics). I tried to keep the thoughts positive and a big bulletin board of family pictures directly in front of my bed helped with that. That was my focus and brought up many fun conversations about my beautiful family and the upcoming wedding.
One world record I might have broken was that I ate cooked oatmeal with a half cut up washed banana in it, three meals a day for the entire 26 days. It worked for me. There were times I could barely swallow and my mouth sores were so bad, that the soft texture would just slide down. It agreed with my taste buds and stayed down most of the time. I didn’t have to decide what I wanted each meal. Some days I would eat a few bites, and other days, more. Some of the nurses teased me about my diet, but I didn’t have to be fed via IV tube.
Some things I took for granted again and now realize that I’m home: I can flush the toilet. They had to measure every drop in and out of me, so I never got to flush. My dad was the hero when he bought me some very soft toilet paper. Theirs was so thin, you could see through it. I also get to brush with a real toothbrush. I could only use sponge ones there so my mouth wouldn’t bleed. I also have a heater in my bathroom I can control during my showers.
My goal now is to be able to attend my daughter’s wedding (sealing) on the afternoon of the 18th. It may be with wheelchair, gloves, masks, and maybe just parents, but it will be worth it. The Dr.’s think this can work, so I’m trying to do more water drinking, walking, getting out in the sun each day, and doing back exercises. Keep in mind these are approx. 5 minute activities, then I rest after each strenuous output. Ha.
My dad is also helping out by (not only sharing mom with me daily) but he calls me each day with some jokes to make me laugh. He said that’s the best medicine.
I have returned to the hospital 3 times since my release so they can check labs and give IV’s if needed. Today there was a man who looked pretty good, so I asked if he had been through this process. He said it had been 8 years ago, but he told the Dr. it was the best thing that had happened to him. Wow, just what I needed to hear as I strive for patience with little improvements each day.
It has been a miraculous process to witness. The old skin peeled off my hands and I have watched the new cells form baby soft skin. The same is happening in my mouth and other unseen areas. Such a cleansing and renewal is taking place! My hope is that my heart will also be stripped of hard, old cells, and impurities removed, replaced with Christlike love. That would be the true miracle . . . but that is already available to everyone through the atonement!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thanksgiving Week
I am dictating this blog as Mark types it so I wouldn't get too far behind. It has been 17 days since the transplant and they call these "positive days" because your body is creating all new cells. Despite a few small feverish temperatures, I have done well and have been able to sit up at times watching the Black Friday sales on my laptop.
Aubri and her fiance, Bryan, were able to drive down from BYU for Thanksgiving. The family ate at Judy's house and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I can honestly say that a half a bowl of Cheerios did not make the day my best Thanksgiving ever, but being able to Skype with the family helped. I really didn't have much of an appetite for anything other than Cheerios anyway.
Aubri was able to go through the Temple with family in preparation for her wedding in December. Aubri also had her bridal shower yesterday (Saturday) and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I was able to watch her open her grown-up cooking "toys" now. The shower was beautiful and took a lot of work from family and friends. Even though I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Aubri and Bryan personally, it was good to know that they were here.
My mother, sisters, and Ward friends spent the week making my house germ and dust free for my return. They spent many hours removing draperies and any dust catchers, and having the carpets and air ducts cleaned. It may not be too long until I get to enjoy it.
Aubri and her fiance, Bryan, were able to drive down from BYU for Thanksgiving. The family ate at Judy's house and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I can honestly say that a half a bowl of Cheerios did not make the day my best Thanksgiving ever, but being able to Skype with the family helped. I really didn't have much of an appetite for anything other than Cheerios anyway.
Aubri was able to go through the Temple with family in preparation for her wedding in December. Aubri also had her bridal shower yesterday (Saturday) and I was able to use Skype to be there with them. I was able to watch her open her grown-up cooking "toys" now. The shower was beautiful and took a lot of work from family and friends. Even though I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Aubri and Bryan personally, it was good to know that they were here.
My mother, sisters, and Ward friends spent the week making my house germ and dust free for my return. They spent many hours removing draperies and any dust catchers, and having the carpets and air ducts cleaned. It may not be too long until I get to enjoy it.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
100 Days and Counting!
I am Judy, Karen's sister. She has asked that I post her blog this week as she has been a little "hooked" up. I say that in the most literal of terms! Friday, Nov. 5, Karen entered the City Of Hope Cancer Center. This has become her home away from home for the next month. She truly couldn't be in better hands for what she is going through. We spent all day Friday visiting with a steady stream of all the Dr.'s, nurses, therapists, and dieticians who would be involved with her care. We were both so amazed at the time each person took to get to know her. As she said, "I think I'm the only person in this hospital". It was a great beginning to a long journey.
The Dr.'s and nurses are very proactive with every treatment. The first chemo drug (given Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights) could cause seizures and so Karen spent Thursday before going in, downing 8 pills to help prevent this. (And it did.) She was hooked up 12 hours before the chemo began to anti-nausea medication and Benedryl to calm her and prevent a rash. These have become an on-going part of the many medications she is taking to prevent some of worst side-effects. Monday and Wednesday she endured two of the strongest chemo drugs that are ever given. Each were 20 times stronger than any she had been given before. Nausea began immediately and also extreme back pain. Morphine was given to try to ease the pain but increased her nausea. Karen never complains or carries on. She is amazing in every way in how she endures treatment after treatment. Here is a statement I know I will never hear again and could only hear it from Karen. As I was holding her bed pan she said, "throwing up with chemo isn't as bad as being sick. It's just part of the process."
As Thursday came and we celebrated Veteran's Day, I told Karen that she is my greatest and bravest hero! She is going to win this battle, I have no doubt. Your faith, prayers, and fasting are literally holding her up through this. As I went in Monday I hadn't had much sleep the night before and was so worried whether or not I could hold up for her. Through the day I felt the strength and energy I needed and even when she was resting I stayed awake and read. As I got in my car 12 hours later to drive home I almost collapsed with exhaustion! I got home and pondered on this and realized that there is strength with her in that room that had sustained me as well as her. She is certainly not fighting this battle alone. I was able to share that thought with her as I returned the next day. She feels that strength also.
Friday was Day 0- day of the stem cell transplant. Her son Mark and I were both there for this exciting event! We learned a few more amazing blessings that Karen has received. Because she was so successful in her stem cell harvest, it only took one time and 3 bags to collect the needed 2 million stem cells to do the infusion. Each bag takes about 5-6 minutes total from thawing to infusing. With only 3 bags, Karen's went really smooth and quickly. We found out that some other patients have taken up to 16 bags to retrieve the needed cells and their infusion can takes a few hours. It was amazing to watch as each bag was taken from the freezer, to thawing water, through the hands of 2 nurses and hooked up and into Karen. With each infusion she would feel the cold blood in her veins- it burned a little and made her cough. Then as soon as the bag was empty, the symptoms stopped. They had told her that she would emit a smell like creamed corn (from the preservative in the stem cells). It was true! She smelled of it all day long. I will never be able to open a can of creamed corn again without thinking of that day.
So, she began what is known as the 100 day count down to living close to normal again. It will take that long for all her cells to regenerate and for her body to be able to once again fight infection. I have learned that fighting cancer is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It is fought and won by the most determined, strong souls ever to live. In a quote from Elder Maxwell in his biography he said, "Sometimes the Lord hastens His work in our spiritual development by a compression of experiences... Sometimes the best people... have the worst experiences... because they are the most ready to learn." That is Karen. I can just see her choosing this experience for what she could learn:).
I will end with a Karen funny. Mark had come for a few hours one day (he comes for a few hours everyday and is a wonderful son!) and so I decided to go out shopping. We were whispering because Karen seemed to be in a deep sleep and a nurse was adding new meds to her IV. I asked Mark if he knew where Last Chance was. Out of her chemo coma Karen pipes in with "I know the address, it's 20th and Camelback". Mark and I just looked at each other and laughed. She is more on top of things with her chemo brain than I am on any given day! She is amazing!
This is a bag of her stem cells on their way into her!
The Dr.'s and nurses are very proactive with every treatment. The first chemo drug (given Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights) could cause seizures and so Karen spent Thursday before going in, downing 8 pills to help prevent this. (And it did.) She was hooked up 12 hours before the chemo began to anti-nausea medication and Benedryl to calm her and prevent a rash. These have become an on-going part of the many medications she is taking to prevent some of worst side-effects. Monday and Wednesday she endured two of the strongest chemo drugs that are ever given. Each were 20 times stronger than any she had been given before. Nausea began immediately and also extreme back pain. Morphine was given to try to ease the pain but increased her nausea. Karen never complains or carries on. She is amazing in every way in how she endures treatment after treatment. Here is a statement I know I will never hear again and could only hear it from Karen. As I was holding her bed pan she said, "throwing up with chemo isn't as bad as being sick. It's just part of the process."
As Thursday came and we celebrated Veteran's Day, I told Karen that she is my greatest and bravest hero! She is going to win this battle, I have no doubt. Your faith, prayers, and fasting are literally holding her up through this. As I went in Monday I hadn't had much sleep the night before and was so worried whether or not I could hold up for her. Through the day I felt the strength and energy I needed and even when she was resting I stayed awake and read. As I got in my car 12 hours later to drive home I almost collapsed with exhaustion! I got home and pondered on this and realized that there is strength with her in that room that had sustained me as well as her. She is certainly not fighting this battle alone. I was able to share that thought with her as I returned the next day. She feels that strength also.
Friday was Day 0- day of the stem cell transplant. Her son Mark and I were both there for this exciting event! We learned a few more amazing blessings that Karen has received. Because she was so successful in her stem cell harvest, it only took one time and 3 bags to collect the needed 2 million stem cells to do the infusion. Each bag takes about 5-6 minutes total from thawing to infusing. With only 3 bags, Karen's went really smooth and quickly. We found out that some other patients have taken up to 16 bags to retrieve the needed cells and their infusion can takes a few hours. It was amazing to watch as each bag was taken from the freezer, to thawing water, through the hands of 2 nurses and hooked up and into Karen. With each infusion she would feel the cold blood in her veins- it burned a little and made her cough. Then as soon as the bag was empty, the symptoms stopped. They had told her that she would emit a smell like creamed corn (from the preservative in the stem cells). It was true! She smelled of it all day long. I will never be able to open a can of creamed corn again without thinking of that day.
So, she began what is known as the 100 day count down to living close to normal again. It will take that long for all her cells to regenerate and for her body to be able to once again fight infection. I have learned that fighting cancer is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It is fought and won by the most determined, strong souls ever to live. In a quote from Elder Maxwell in his biography he said, "Sometimes the Lord hastens His work in our spiritual development by a compression of experiences... Sometimes the best people... have the worst experiences... because they are the most ready to learn." That is Karen. I can just see her choosing this experience for what she could learn:).
I will end with a Karen funny. Mark had come for a few hours one day (he comes for a few hours everyday and is a wonderful son!) and so I decided to go out shopping. We were whispering because Karen seemed to be in a deep sleep and a nurse was adding new meds to her IV. I asked Mark if he knew where Last Chance was. Out of her chemo coma Karen pipes in with "I know the address, it's 20th and Camelback". Mark and I just looked at each other and laughed. She is more on top of things with her chemo brain than I am on any given day! She is amazing!
This is a bag of her stem cells on their way into her!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
We're Off!
The news is all good from my Dr. visit Tuesday. I am in remission and cancer free and able to move forward. Following our short visit with the Dr., we spent 2 hours with the consent nurse signing paperwork describing the bad effects from the chemo and transplant. Mark asked the key question as to why we do this if I am in remission? She responded that the Dr. feels there is a likely chance that it will reoccur and this is the only way for a 60-70% cure. I realized today that I could stop all this and start living again, but it would be a life of fear living from petscan to petscan to see if the cancer had returned. I believe that’s why I have felt guided to make this complete journey.
Mark then asked how they know they got good stem cells and not cancerous ones again. They believe the stem cells they took are good ones, because the bad ones are too weak to make it through the process. They are going to totally wipe me out with their chemo so my body cannot make blood until they reinfuse the stem cells on Friday, the 12th. Then they watch me closely for the next 9-11 days when the wbc finally start to increase, followed by the red blood cells, and last the platelets. During this time they will be giving me transfusions of red cells and platelets, and shots to help the wbc, but I will be very prone to infection, so they will be watching that closely.
I will be visually impaired, confused, intoxicated, and experience amnesia much of the time, but hey, maybe that will help me endure the process. Beyond that . . . you don’t want to know. It will truly be a time when I will be living close to the veil and feeling of the Lord’s strength sustaining me.
Final word has been given to start the chemo tomorrow so I will receive 3 different chemicals until Fri., the 12th, when my stems cells will be reinfused. I have 3 bags of stem cells. It’s a big process involving many people, and everything has to be ready to infuse once the bag is thawed, because it only has 10 min. to go in before the cells start dying. Then they wait a little while and continue with the other 2 bags. It will be cold and because of the preservative they are in, I will smell like cream corn.
They anticipate that I will be in the hospital until the first part of Dec., then home with 24/7 care for 2 weeks, barring no bad infections.
During my last ‘free’ days this week, my sisters bought me lunch, both being meals that I had been craving and even envisioned during my petscan because I was so hungry, (fries and a chocolate shake from In and Out with chicken nuggets from Chick filet, and Sbarros spinach-mushroom pizza), walked around the lake at the Riparian Preserve, and sat under the trees at my favorite water spot there. Last night I watched the 1953 movie, The Robe, with my mother, since I had just finished the book, but felt like it was the Reader’s Digest condensed version, leaving out the best parts. I was glad I had read the book first because it was so much better and spiritually uplifting. I will end the day on a fun note by watching Toy Story 3 tonight.
I have mixed feelings today, with anticipation being the strongest. I am ready to start this final lap and calm about everything overall, but pacing, just the same. Once I start, I will turn my body and spirit over to the Lord and know that He will be close. I truly feel strength from the love, prayers, and support from all my family and friends.
Mark then asked how they know they got good stem cells and not cancerous ones again. They believe the stem cells they took are good ones, because the bad ones are too weak to make it through the process. They are going to totally wipe me out with their chemo so my body cannot make blood until they reinfuse the stem cells on Friday, the 12th. Then they watch me closely for the next 9-11 days when the wbc finally start to increase, followed by the red blood cells, and last the platelets. During this time they will be giving me transfusions of red cells and platelets, and shots to help the wbc, but I will be very prone to infection, so they will be watching that closely.
I will be visually impaired, confused, intoxicated, and experience amnesia much of the time, but hey, maybe that will help me endure the process. Beyond that . . . you don’t want to know. It will truly be a time when I will be living close to the veil and feeling of the Lord’s strength sustaining me.
Final word has been given to start the chemo tomorrow so I will receive 3 different chemicals until Fri., the 12th, when my stems cells will be reinfused. I have 3 bags of stem cells. It’s a big process involving many people, and everything has to be ready to infuse once the bag is thawed, because it only has 10 min. to go in before the cells start dying. Then they wait a little while and continue with the other 2 bags. It will be cold and because of the preservative they are in, I will smell like cream corn.
They anticipate that I will be in the hospital until the first part of Dec., then home with 24/7 care for 2 weeks, barring no bad infections.
During my last ‘free’ days this week, my sisters bought me lunch, both being meals that I had been craving and even envisioned during my petscan because I was so hungry, (fries and a chocolate shake from In and Out with chicken nuggets from Chick filet, and Sbarros spinach-mushroom pizza), walked around the lake at the Riparian Preserve, and sat under the trees at my favorite water spot there. Last night I watched the 1953 movie, The Robe, with my mother, since I had just finished the book, but felt like it was the Reader’s Digest condensed version, leaving out the best parts. I was glad I had read the book first because it was so much better and spiritually uplifting. I will end the day on a fun note by watching Toy Story 3 tonight.
I have mixed feelings today, with anticipation being the strongest. I am ready to start this final lap and calm about everything overall, but pacing, just the same. Once I start, I will turn my body and spirit over to the Lord and know that He will be close. I truly feel strength from the love, prayers, and support from all my family and friends.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Did I Pass?
The week before Halloween was full of interesting tests for me. There were vampires lurking at every corner of that hospital. Luckily most of the blood they needed was acquired through my port lines. On Tuesday I had a CT scan where I had to drink that lovely, thick white goop. I think that is the main reason they ask you to fast before, so it becomes somewhat tolerable on an empty stomach. That test was followed by a heart scan to see how my heart has held up to the chemo so far.
Wednesday I fasted again for the whole-body Pet scan. This will determine what is left of the cancer, if any. The techs were really trying to make it a good experience for me even though they strapped me to the table and put tape across my forehead to hold it in place. I told them their drink tasted like a Dairy Queen treat compared to the day before. This was one test where I have practiced enough of the mind over matter ‘Yoda’ stuff that when I got itches during the 30 minutes, I told myself it really didn’t itch.
Thursday was my pulmonary lung test to see how my lungs will hold up to their chemo. I was in a small decompression chamber for an hour doing different kinds of breathing. At the end of these tests, all they do is thank you and smile and not give a hint of how you did. Only the Dr. can tell you about them.
So, tomorrow is the big Dr. meeting where she will go over the tests with me to see what the next plan is. Hopefully it is to move forward with their chemo and then the transplant. I can tell my body is stronger because I am able to walk on the treadmill longer each day, and I feel like starting the day in my shoes instead of my slippers. My appetite is good and I have gained weight rather than lose it.
I met an elevator angel on the first day I was there last week. We were in the patient elevator together, but she was being wheeled in a bed. She was older, but had a twinkle in her eyes. I knew because of her duck mask and cap that she was ‘one of us’, so I said I was going to give her a clap. The elevator man told me she was going home the next day. I told her that deserved two claps. She said, “Yes, it had been 24 days!”
The next day I met her again, waiting for the same elevator, only this time she was dressed and in a wheelchair pushed by her husband. I got excited for her again as we talked about her going home. In the elevator she turned to me and said, “It’s not as bad as you think, they take good care of you.” Then she looked at me and said, “keep up your spirits!” It was just what I needed to hear that day!
From there I went to the waiting room, where I saw a younger gal going into a room and saying hello to the receptionists, like she was familiar with the place. While she was making an appt. I noticed how good she looked with her long hair, make-up, and overall look. I asked her if she had been through all this? “Yes,” she said, “62 days!” Wow, I said, you look great. (They had told us it would probably take about 100 days from transplant to get back to life, and I was thinking, wow, if she can do it, I can, too.) She went to get ice and when she returned I asked her what kind of cancer? She told me leukemia and I asked if she used her own cells? “Oh,” she said, “it’s my husband and he’s in there having an IV. He has his good days and bad.” Well, that burst my bubble, but it was fun to laugh about later.
My son, Mark, sent me the following email after the caregiver class: “So Mom, I forgot to tell you that they told us in the caregiver class that once you are released you are not able to receive any more tattoos or body piercings. I know you had had your eye on a tattoo of Sully from Dr. Quinn for your right ankle, but now it will have to wait! Oh the things cancer makes you give up.....”
Oh, but the things I have gained, also: a closeness to my Heavenly Father and Savior that only comes at hard times like this, a greater love and bond with my family members, a greater love for my friends and everyone who is praying for me and giving me of their strength and help. It really is becoming a sacred time for me.
Wednesday I fasted again for the whole-body Pet scan. This will determine what is left of the cancer, if any. The techs were really trying to make it a good experience for me even though they strapped me to the table and put tape across my forehead to hold it in place. I told them their drink tasted like a Dairy Queen treat compared to the day before. This was one test where I have practiced enough of the mind over matter ‘Yoda’ stuff that when I got itches during the 30 minutes, I told myself it really didn’t itch.
Thursday was my pulmonary lung test to see how my lungs will hold up to their chemo. I was in a small decompression chamber for an hour doing different kinds of breathing. At the end of these tests, all they do is thank you and smile and not give a hint of how you did. Only the Dr. can tell you about them.
So, tomorrow is the big Dr. meeting where she will go over the tests with me to see what the next plan is. Hopefully it is to move forward with their chemo and then the transplant. I can tell my body is stronger because I am able to walk on the treadmill longer each day, and I feel like starting the day in my shoes instead of my slippers. My appetite is good and I have gained weight rather than lose it.
I met an elevator angel on the first day I was there last week. We were in the patient elevator together, but she was being wheeled in a bed. She was older, but had a twinkle in her eyes. I knew because of her duck mask and cap that she was ‘one of us’, so I said I was going to give her a clap. The elevator man told me she was going home the next day. I told her that deserved two claps. She said, “Yes, it had been 24 days!”
The next day I met her again, waiting for the same elevator, only this time she was dressed and in a wheelchair pushed by her husband. I got excited for her again as we talked about her going home. In the elevator she turned to me and said, “It’s not as bad as you think, they take good care of you.” Then she looked at me and said, “keep up your spirits!” It was just what I needed to hear that day!
From there I went to the waiting room, where I saw a younger gal going into a room and saying hello to the receptionists, like she was familiar with the place. While she was making an appt. I noticed how good she looked with her long hair, make-up, and overall look. I asked her if she had been through all this? “Yes,” she said, “62 days!” Wow, I said, you look great. (They had told us it would probably take about 100 days from transplant to get back to life, and I was thinking, wow, if she can do it, I can, too.) She went to get ice and when she returned I asked her what kind of cancer? She told me leukemia and I asked if she used her own cells? “Oh,” she said, “it’s my husband and he’s in there having an IV. He has his good days and bad.” Well, that burst my bubble, but it was fun to laugh about later.
My son, Mark, sent me the following email after the caregiver class: “So Mom, I forgot to tell you that they told us in the caregiver class that once you are released you are not able to receive any more tattoos or body piercings. I know you had had your eye on a tattoo of Sully from Dr. Quinn for your right ankle, but now it will have to wait! Oh the things cancer makes you give up.....”
Oh, but the things I have gained, also: a closeness to my Heavenly Father and Savior that only comes at hard times like this, a greater love and bond with my family members, a greater love for my friends and everyone who is praying for me and giving me of their strength and help. It really is becoming a sacred time for me.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Life Without Stem Cells
So, I had my question answered as to how a person would feel without stem cells? No different. I have had a good week, feeling stronger each day. When I feel like wearing my shoes instead of slippers and have the energy to do a little treadmill each day, I know my body is gradually coming back from the chemo and healing.
Only one trip to the hospital this week and that was to treat a UTI, but they were on top of it and started me on the antibiotic even before I left the clinic. Since my body is more susceptible to infections, they wanted to nip it in the bud.
With my daughter getting married mid December, I will not be able to attend her reception since it will be during my critical healing period where I need to avoid as many germs as possible. I had the idea to ask our wedding photographer, Bruce Barnes, if he could take a picture of me now, while I was feeling good, and then paste me into the wedding line shots. He agreed to work with me on this, so I had a fun week preparing for the shoot. Monday, Kathy and I went to the Chandler Hospital Cancer wig room and picked out an updated short, brown wig to wear. These are wigs that people donate to the cancer society. Then my sweet mother spent 4 hours shopping at the mall and bought me a deep purple, sequined jacket to wear with my black skirt. Whoo hoo! It was totally out of my closet comfort zone, but I dressed up and went to the photo shoot on Friday.
We took the pictures in his home with a white background and with his technical knowledge, I’m sure it will look like I’m right there. He took several shots of me at different standing angles, and will choose one, depending on how I will best fit in the line. He took some shots with my wig and then bald. I want a shot to show the real story.
On Friday afternoon my mother, son, two sisters, and a niece spent 3 1/2 hours at the hospital attending a class for caregivers. They received very specific instructions about food preparation, home cleanliness, and care for me once I am home from the transplant. They will pack up everything in my home that can collect dust, all my knickknacks and pictures, clean the carpets, wash the curtains, empty my frig and freezer, to mention a few things. I spent the afternoon during the time they were in the class teary eyed and so grateful for such wonderful family who will give up their afternoon for me. Even now as I write this I feel so blessed and humbled by their love and support. Oh, that everyone would have a chance to feel this!
My tests are scheduled for T/W/Th next week and then I will meet with the Dr. to go over the results and find out when I will begin their chemo. When my case manager showed me the schedule, and I found out I was going to be later starting the next phase than I had expected, rather than look on the positive side that I would be able to be home longer, I was upset at her for being slow about this. Then I remembered that she may be my case manager, but my true guide through this is still in charge and everything will be just right according to His time schedule. I continue to pray that I don’t miss out on what He is trying to teach me. Thanks for all of your prayers and support. I feel it.
Only one trip to the hospital this week and that was to treat a UTI, but they were on top of it and started me on the antibiotic even before I left the clinic. Since my body is more susceptible to infections, they wanted to nip it in the bud.
With my daughter getting married mid December, I will not be able to attend her reception since it will be during my critical healing period where I need to avoid as many germs as possible. I had the idea to ask our wedding photographer, Bruce Barnes, if he could take a picture of me now, while I was feeling good, and then paste me into the wedding line shots. He agreed to work with me on this, so I had a fun week preparing for the shoot. Monday, Kathy and I went to the Chandler Hospital Cancer wig room and picked out an updated short, brown wig to wear. These are wigs that people donate to the cancer society. Then my sweet mother spent 4 hours shopping at the mall and bought me a deep purple, sequined jacket to wear with my black skirt. Whoo hoo! It was totally out of my closet comfort zone, but I dressed up and went to the photo shoot on Friday.
We took the pictures in his home with a white background and with his technical knowledge, I’m sure it will look like I’m right there. He took several shots of me at different standing angles, and will choose one, depending on how I will best fit in the line. He took some shots with my wig and then bald. I want a shot to show the real story.
On Friday afternoon my mother, son, two sisters, and a niece spent 3 1/2 hours at the hospital attending a class for caregivers. They received very specific instructions about food preparation, home cleanliness, and care for me once I am home from the transplant. They will pack up everything in my home that can collect dust, all my knickknacks and pictures, clean the carpets, wash the curtains, empty my frig and freezer, to mention a few things. I spent the afternoon during the time they were in the class teary eyed and so grateful for such wonderful family who will give up their afternoon for me. Even now as I write this I feel so blessed and humbled by their love and support. Oh, that everyone would have a chance to feel this!
My tests are scheduled for T/W/Th next week and then I will meet with the Dr. to go over the results and find out when I will begin their chemo. When my case manager showed me the schedule, and I found out I was going to be later starting the next phase than I had expected, rather than look on the positive side that I would be able to be home longer, I was upset at her for being slow about this. Then I remembered that she may be my case manager, but my true guide through this is still in charge and everything will be just right according to His time schedule. I continue to pray that I don’t miss out on what He is trying to teach me. Thanks for all of your prayers and support. I feel it.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Fall Harvest Miracle
Fall leaves, autumn smells, it’s time to harvest Karen’s cells! I was part of a scientific miracle on Saturday. I received a call Friday afternoon, after visiting the hospital that morning for labwork and another platelet transfusion, telling me that my numbers were good for the first collection and to return at 6:30 a.m. Saturday morning. Another angel friend drove me at the crack of dawn to begin the process and stayed the entire 7 hours.
After drawing my blood to get information for them to prepare the machine, we played the waiting game. Two hours later I went to the 9th floor, designated for kidney patients and stem cell harvesting. I had a great tech who stayed with me the entire process and explained everything very clearly. They used two of my ports to hook me to the machine, one for in and the other for out. I had to lay flat on a bed for 4 hours, except when I got to sit to use a bed pan. (Good thing!)
Kyle helped explain the process so I could share it in my blog. It is actually called a peripheral blood stem cell collection. A Phresis machine collected 230 ml of a combination of my white blood cells, stem cells, and plasma, over a period of 4 hours. The machine separates the blood into different layers. They take out the WBC layer and plasma, and the rest goes back into my body. Then the cryo lab tests it, takes a sample, and it is sent out to another lab to be counted. They add a medicine to the collection and slowly freeze it down. After my chemo, it will be thawed and reinfused. They saved my plasma for possible future use.
During the procedure I also get citrate, an anticoagulant, which binds with calcium in the bloodstream. I had a calcium drip, tums, and milk to drink, to prevent a citrate reaction, but because I am a small body size, I experienced a reaction and needed to have additional calcium. The reaction was a tingling through my body and small shaking as if I were chilled. Kyle kept the situation under control, so it wasn’t too bad. They needed a total of 2 million stem cells and told me I would get a call later to tell me if I needed to return on Monday for another collection. I had met people who had been collected 3 times and one poor man had to do it 7 times. They told me it was unusual to collect the amount needed the first time, so I expected to return on Mon. when Kathy would be with me to see the process.
However . . . . they called and told me they had collected 2.4 million and I was done! I call that a miracle! I came home with a small headache, but thinking about what my body had just been through, this was amazing.
It’s now Sunday morning and I feel great. I have such praise and thankfulness to my Heavenly Father for helping me complete this important part of the process. This also means I can stop the daily shots, yahoo! My chemo will be the end of the month and prior to that I will be having different tests, PetScan, CT scan, and Muga (heart scan).
After drawing my blood to get information for them to prepare the machine, we played the waiting game. Two hours later I went to the 9th floor, designated for kidney patients and stem cell harvesting. I had a great tech who stayed with me the entire process and explained everything very clearly. They used two of my ports to hook me to the machine, one for in and the other for out. I had to lay flat on a bed for 4 hours, except when I got to sit to use a bed pan. (Good thing!)
Kyle helped explain the process so I could share it in my blog. It is actually called a peripheral blood stem cell collection. A Phresis machine collected 230 ml of a combination of my white blood cells, stem cells, and plasma, over a period of 4 hours. The machine separates the blood into different layers. They take out the WBC layer and plasma, and the rest goes back into my body. Then the cryo lab tests it, takes a sample, and it is sent out to another lab to be counted. They add a medicine to the collection and slowly freeze it down. After my chemo, it will be thawed and reinfused. They saved my plasma for possible future use.
During the procedure I also get citrate, an anticoagulant, which binds with calcium in the bloodstream. I had a calcium drip, tums, and milk to drink, to prevent a citrate reaction, but because I am a small body size, I experienced a reaction and needed to have additional calcium. The reaction was a tingling through my body and small shaking as if I were chilled. Kyle kept the situation under control, so it wasn’t too bad. They needed a total of 2 million stem cells and told me I would get a call later to tell me if I needed to return on Monday for another collection. I had met people who had been collected 3 times and one poor man had to do it 7 times. They told me it was unusual to collect the amount needed the first time, so I expected to return on Mon. when Kathy would be with me to see the process.
However . . . . they called and told me they had collected 2.4 million and I was done! I call that a miracle! I came home with a small headache, but thinking about what my body had just been through, this was amazing.
It’s now Sunday morning and I feel great. I have such praise and thankfulness to my Heavenly Father for helping me complete this important part of the process. This also means I can stop the daily shots, yahoo! My chemo will be the end of the month and prior to that I will be having different tests, PetScan, CT scan, and Muga (heart scan).
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Good News!
I was blessed with a great diversion for my mind at this time. My daughter, Aubri, officially announced her engagement to Bryan Blacker from Albuquerque. They have set their date as Dec. 18. As much as I had encouraged her associations with local boys, he is so worth it, no matter where he is from. I first met him during the 4th of July weekend, when he came to Gilbert. I missed him when he left, just like I miss my own children. I am looking forward to having him in our family.
They met last year in their ward at BYU and were family group leaders the first semester. However, I think the real clincher was the anatomy class they had together winter semester. It was not just the class, but everything else that went with it, labs, review sessions, and their own study sessions. Ah, true love.
So, while I am home and between hospital visits, I am having fun exploring leads from friends on websites for photographers, caterers, dresses, flowers, and announcements. Things are starting to come together. I send an email to Aubri and she emails back. What would we do without technology? I may even be attending the reception via Skype, depending on my condition at that time.
After Friday’s visit to the hospital, I will have been there three mornings this week. Mostly for lab work, but when they feel a need, other things, as well. I ended up having platelet transfusions Monday and Wednesday. Yummy yellow. My counts have bottomed out this week, which they had expected, so I had to begin preventive infection measures, which included ending the meal deliveries for now. It has been a good time for me to use the food that I had frozen as extra, so it’s worked out. They are beginning to count my stem cells each draw, then call me the same afternoon to tell me if it’s time for the harvest. I could be doing it on Saturday or Monday early morning. The process is similar to dialysis where the blood is drawn and the cells sorted. They keep the ones they want and I get the others back. Then my cells are frozen until after their chemo.
My sisters each took a short fall break with their families, so I have had a sweet nurse friend come and take over my shot and site dressing while they are gone. I will continue to tell you how this is truly a journey with many angels.
I could be sad about the thought of missing my daughter’s most special time of her life, (and I sometimes let myself go there), but I continue to believe there is a reason to the timing of everything. I have found that those ah-ha moments don’t come until after the fact, if at all. I have given up trying to second guess the Master Planner, for He can see the beginning to the end. I know beyond all doubt that He is aware of each of us and our individual needs.
They met last year in their ward at BYU and were family group leaders the first semester. However, I think the real clincher was the anatomy class they had together winter semester. It was not just the class, but everything else that went with it, labs, review sessions, and their own study sessions. Ah, true love.
So, while I am home and between hospital visits, I am having fun exploring leads from friends on websites for photographers, caterers, dresses, flowers, and announcements. Things are starting to come together. I send an email to Aubri and she emails back. What would we do without technology? I may even be attending the reception via Skype, depending on my condition at that time.
After Friday’s visit to the hospital, I will have been there three mornings this week. Mostly for lab work, but when they feel a need, other things, as well. I ended up having platelet transfusions Monday and Wednesday. Yummy yellow. My counts have bottomed out this week, which they had expected, so I had to begin preventive infection measures, which included ending the meal deliveries for now. It has been a good time for me to use the food that I had frozen as extra, so it’s worked out. They are beginning to count my stem cells each draw, then call me the same afternoon to tell me if it’s time for the harvest. I could be doing it on Saturday or Monday early morning. The process is similar to dialysis where the blood is drawn and the cells sorted. They keep the ones they want and I get the others back. Then my cells are frozen until after their chemo.
My sisters each took a short fall break with their families, so I have had a sweet nurse friend come and take over my shot and site dressing while they are gone. I will continue to tell you how this is truly a journey with many angels.
I could be sad about the thought of missing my daughter’s most special time of her life, (and I sometimes let myself go there), but I continue to believe there is a reason to the timing of everything. I have found that those ah-ha moments don’t come until after the fact, if at all. I have given up trying to second guess the Master Planner, for He can see the beginning to the end. I know beyond all doubt that He is aware of each of us and our individual needs.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Good Sam Hospital Work Begins
Whew. This has been a whirlwind week! I was released from Baywood hosp. on Mon. after the chemo and did better than the other two rounds, which I had hoped. My mother told me she had prayed for a good room for me and she is a woman of much faith. The nurses referred to my room as the corner suite of the 6th floor. It was big and roomy, but the best part was the full length window looking east and south. I actually saw a sunrise one morning. I was also located near the helicopter pad, so heard a few of those takeoff and land. I had a friend once tell me that whenever she heard sirens she would pray for the victims, so I prayed each time one would land.
Tuesday morning my sister, Kathy, and I had a meeting at Good Sam to begin our journey there, running all kinds of bloodwork and tests. The transplant center is the 12th floor and they are their own little entity. No check in needed at any registration desk, up the service elevators (to avoid public as much as possible), and right to a nurse. They gave me a new duck bill mask that I will be wearing which is much tighter, but because it protrudes, my lips don’t touch the material. I quacked at a few others wearing them as we passed. Kathy was briefly instructed on how to give me my daily shot to increase my WBC, then in my belly it went. No orange practice there and she did great.
Wed. Mark took me over for the surgical implant of my new neostar catheter. He was a trooper and said all the right things. Sometimes he worries that because he’s a guy he doesn’t know how to make it better. But he does great! I had a pic line before, tiny, served it’s purpose. Well, the nurses referred to these tubings as garden hoses. Now, that’s exaggerating somewhat, considering the three are flopping out of my chest. That was a bad day getting rid of the anesthesia effects, via throw up bags and nausea, but family was with me through the day and Kathy spent the night while I got my strength back.
Thursday, Kathy and I were back again for her instruction of flushing and daily dressing of my port. Again, quick demo, follow the written instructions, and Kathy was doing me first, and then more practice on a mannequin. If you don’t know Kathy, let me share with you how amazing she is. She felt prompted to begin nursing classes last year because she had seen many nice nurses with my previous care and she wanted to be one of those. She took a class each semester and did terrific! Then she was prompted to hold off this fall. Well, we now see it is because she is enrolled in nursing residency 101 with me! She will come early each morning to take care of me and eventually my other family members will join in 24/7 care at home after the procedure. My other 2 sisters are just as amazing. One will step in with her love and talent, then the other one takes over, and now my parents are back in town to help also. I couldn’t do this without family and friends. It is a commitment for all!
The shots will continue until the Dr. feels I have reached a level for the stem cell harvest, which could be as early as next week. After harvest I wait until the end of the month for their stronger chemo. Not sure how a person feels without their stem cells. Guess I will ask when I return tomorrow for more tests.
My love and gratitude go out to each of you in helping me fight this battle. We’re moving ahead! The Lord is truly blessing me.
Tuesday morning my sister, Kathy, and I had a meeting at Good Sam to begin our journey there, running all kinds of bloodwork and tests. The transplant center is the 12th floor and they are their own little entity. No check in needed at any registration desk, up the service elevators (to avoid public as much as possible), and right to a nurse. They gave me a new duck bill mask that I will be wearing which is much tighter, but because it protrudes, my lips don’t touch the material. I quacked at a few others wearing them as we passed. Kathy was briefly instructed on how to give me my daily shot to increase my WBC, then in my belly it went. No orange practice there and she did great.
Wed. Mark took me over for the surgical implant of my new neostar catheter. He was a trooper and said all the right things. Sometimes he worries that because he’s a guy he doesn’t know how to make it better. But he does great! I had a pic line before, tiny, served it’s purpose. Well, the nurses referred to these tubings as garden hoses. Now, that’s exaggerating somewhat, considering the three are flopping out of my chest. That was a bad day getting rid of the anesthesia effects, via throw up bags and nausea, but family was with me through the day and Kathy spent the night while I got my strength back.
Thursday, Kathy and I were back again for her instruction of flushing and daily dressing of my port. Again, quick demo, follow the written instructions, and Kathy was doing me first, and then more practice on a mannequin. If you don’t know Kathy, let me share with you how amazing she is. She felt prompted to begin nursing classes last year because she had seen many nice nurses with my previous care and she wanted to be one of those. She took a class each semester and did terrific! Then she was prompted to hold off this fall. Well, we now see it is because she is enrolled in nursing residency 101 with me! She will come early each morning to take care of me and eventually my other family members will join in 24/7 care at home after the procedure. My other 2 sisters are just as amazing. One will step in with her love and talent, then the other one takes over, and now my parents are back in town to help also. I couldn’t do this without family and friends. It is a commitment for all!
The shots will continue until the Dr. feels I have reached a level for the stem cell harvest, which could be as early as next week. After harvest I wait until the end of the month for their stronger chemo. Not sure how a person feels without their stem cells. Guess I will ask when I return tomorrow for more tests.
My love and gratitude go out to each of you in helping me fight this battle. We’re moving ahead! The Lord is truly blessing me.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Time stops for no woman!
Have you ever wanted to stop time? The moments I have wished for this were as I was playing with my granddaughters, on vacation with my daughter, all together with my family . . . and this morning as I lay in bed.
Last Sunday I faced one of my most painful days--not physically, but mentally. I found myself in a dark place, a type of depression. I cried. I wanted to curl up and hide. I wanted to throw down that angel statue I had mentioned in a previous blog and break off both her arms raised to the air for courage. (I hid her instead.) The Dr. had prescribed medication for this knowing it was part of the experience, but I had only been taking half dose. I realized that now was a good time to increase it. That night my sister made a special trip to drop off a goodie and while she was lying on the floor resting from a pulled back, and I was ready to kick the couch, we were able to laugh about the day.
This last week family came over to visit, shared lunches with me, and I began to see light again at the end of the tunnel. I’ve felt better each day and had a good week, becoming stronger daily, ready to meet this round beginning on Tuesday. I am entering this chemo with more strength than the other times, believing I will come out stronger to begin the next phase.
I reread a short quote I have posted on my desk, by a past Prophet and President of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley. He said, “Be believing, be happy, don’t be discouraged. Things will work out.”
What more can I say?
Last Sunday I faced one of my most painful days--not physically, but mentally. I found myself in a dark place, a type of depression. I cried. I wanted to curl up and hide. I wanted to throw down that angel statue I had mentioned in a previous blog and break off both her arms raised to the air for courage. (I hid her instead.) The Dr. had prescribed medication for this knowing it was part of the experience, but I had only been taking half dose. I realized that now was a good time to increase it. That night my sister made a special trip to drop off a goodie and while she was lying on the floor resting from a pulled back, and I was ready to kick the couch, we were able to laugh about the day.
This last week family came over to visit, shared lunches with me, and I began to see light again at the end of the tunnel. I’ve felt better each day and had a good week, becoming stronger daily, ready to meet this round beginning on Tuesday. I am entering this chemo with more strength than the other times, believing I will come out stronger to begin the next phase.
I reread a short quote I have posted on my desk, by a past Prophet and President of our church, Gordon B. Hinckley. He said, “Be believing, be happy, don’t be discouraged. Things will work out.”
What more can I say?
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Food Cravings
One of my many joys of being home between chemo treatments is the delicious food that is delivered to my door each evening. It’s like Christmas as I look forward with anticipation to see what the menu is for the night. The food is being shared by my two sisters and many ladies in my church. The only other times I remember being this excited about food was when I was pregnant, nursing, or on a large dose of prednisone for a few months. I would read recipe books as if they were novels. That feeling is back and after hospital food, I love it.
When I got home from chemo number 1, I was very nauseated and had little appetite, but my church friends stepped up to the challenge and brought me the comfort food I had requested; low seasonings, bland, soups, your basic ulcer diet. It was heavenly and just what I needed to strengthen my body. This time home, my taste buds did a 360º turn about and I have been craving regular, seasoned, good old American, Mexican, and Italian food. It took one email to Jessie, my friend who arranges the meals, and the changes have been just that! So good and delicious tasting. I even had a cub scout troup fix me spagetti and homemade rolls last night. Yummo. As I eat by myself, I picture me sitting in a very quiet restaurant eating out.
I am also eating almost hourly, and their meals usually provide the next day’s lunch while I am busy figuring what to eat in between. Such a nice change from the first time. I hope it means my body is bouncing back and will get stronger for the next round.
I was visiting with a friend this week and shared experiences from my previous hospital stays, both good and bad. It wasn’t until later that I realized in a more personal way why my father had not shared his war experiences with our family until the last few years, some 65 years after the war. The mind is powerful and sharing my experiences took me back to those hard moments in the hospital I wanted to forget, but knowing I was going to have to return, made it even more unpleasant. I am trying hard once again to focus on each day, looking for the positives, not reliving the past of this challenge, and not worrying about the future. It’s not easy to do, but if I keep enough good thoughts going in my mind, and find worthwhile things to do, the days are better.
I continue to see the Lord’s hand in this as his earthly angels share their food and love with me.
When I got home from chemo number 1, I was very nauseated and had little appetite, but my church friends stepped up to the challenge and brought me the comfort food I had requested; low seasonings, bland, soups, your basic ulcer diet. It was heavenly and just what I needed to strengthen my body. This time home, my taste buds did a 360º turn about and I have been craving regular, seasoned, good old American, Mexican, and Italian food. It took one email to Jessie, my friend who arranges the meals, and the changes have been just that! So good and delicious tasting. I even had a cub scout troup fix me spagetti and homemade rolls last night. Yummo. As I eat by myself, I picture me sitting in a very quiet restaurant eating out.
I am also eating almost hourly, and their meals usually provide the next day’s lunch while I am busy figuring what to eat in between. Such a nice change from the first time. I hope it means my body is bouncing back and will get stronger for the next round.
I was visiting with a friend this week and shared experiences from my previous hospital stays, both good and bad. It wasn’t until later that I realized in a more personal way why my father had not shared his war experiences with our family until the last few years, some 65 years after the war. The mind is powerful and sharing my experiences took me back to those hard moments in the hospital I wanted to forget, but knowing I was going to have to return, made it even more unpleasant. I am trying hard once again to focus on each day, looking for the positives, not reliving the past of this challenge, and not worrying about the future. It’s not easy to do, but if I keep enough good thoughts going in my mind, and find worthwhile things to do, the days are better.
I continue to see the Lord’s hand in this as his earthly angels share their food and love with me.
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