One year ago. November 5-12, 2010. What was to most people just the second week in November turned out to be the most physically challenging week of my life. It was the week I had the killer chemo and transplant of my stem cells. My second birthday! I celebrated today by having lunch with my sisters and mother, my caretakers last year.
I have reflected often this week with gratitude for my life and praise to my Heavenly Father for his gift of this second life. I am well, teaching again, and enjoying many family experiences that I would have missed had I not been spared. Smells are sweeter, the world is more beautiful, and opportunities abound. Tears have been close to the surface as I reflect.
Life has taken on a new perspective for me in many ways. I look at life’s demands with more of an eternal perspective now and decide if it’s worth the time, worry, or stress that I used to place on many things. I’m happier, more grateful, and know with a surety that the Lord is there for me and my Heavenly Father has a plan for each one of us. Our job is to listen and let Him guide us where we are to go and who we are to serve. I have more faith in Him and the paths of my children and desire to sit back and watch with fascination at how the Lord is working in their lives. When life throws in hard things, I remember that anything is better than being in a hospital bed and maybe it’s not as hard as I had once thought it was.
Relationships are still the most important part of this life and I’m grateful for all of you.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Miracles Continue
When I was at my worst in the hospital, I visualized goals in the future to help me get through the tough times. I was blessed that I would be able to return to life as I once knew it. My spirit clung to that thought. The following miracles are some of those goals realized.
During my last visit with stem cell Dr. on Feb. 24th, I received the good news that my pet scan showed no evidence of cancer. Yahoo! She has released me back to the care of my regular oncologist on this side of the valley. Miracle one . . .
I was able to begin teaching again the end of February for three mornings a week. The teachers at Sonoma Ranch are a special group of friends, many of us having worked together for 14 years. They honored me with a breakfast on the day of my return and continue to support me as I get back into the rhythm of life. As I met with the students, it all came back to me why I love teaching. Miracle two . . .
Emily Deanne, third most beautiful granddaughter, was born on March 9 to Mark and Alisa. Her features are a combination of both of her older sisters, face of Natalie and Hannah’s red hair. Mark had a second hospital visit in the interim but was home on his spring break for the birth. We are awaiting pet scan results for him, but are optimistic about the outcome. I have said many prayers of thanks for the opportunity to be alive to welcome Emily to our family. Miracle three . . .
Other goals yet to be realized in the future include Aubri’s graduation from BYU on April 21 and Mark’s graduation from law school in May. I plan to attend Aubri’s graduation and feel such gratitude for the strength that I have to do this.
My hair is about 1/4 inch long. Some days I think I may keep it this long.
I am eating salad and fresh fruits and vegetables again and loving it.
I have the strength to clean my own house.
I am attending Sacrament meeting on Sundays.
I have been able to go to the Temple and enjoy the Spirit there.
My granddaughters are frequent visitors at my home again.
My new fingernails are almost grown out.
I can walk around the block without heavy breathing.
As I ended my visit with the Dr., I asked about the rates of reoccurrence. She said they hadn’t tracked their patients lives after leaving their care, and I realized that even if she had given me an answer I was happy with, no one knows the answer to that except God. I could have a car accident today and die in a totally unrelated cause. I have come to realize even stronger now, that we are all here on the earth to perform a special mission that only we can do. The Lord knows and loves us individually and I need to continue to submit to His will, and follow where He directs me, because He continues to take me to much better places than I could map out on my own. The Miracles will continue as I grow stronger and marvel at the goodness of the Lord in His gift of this second life.
During my last visit with stem cell Dr. on Feb. 24th, I received the good news that my pet scan showed no evidence of cancer. Yahoo! She has released me back to the care of my regular oncologist on this side of the valley. Miracle one . . .
I was able to begin teaching again the end of February for three mornings a week. The teachers at Sonoma Ranch are a special group of friends, many of us having worked together for 14 years. They honored me with a breakfast on the day of my return and continue to support me as I get back into the rhythm of life. As I met with the students, it all came back to me why I love teaching. Miracle two . . .
Emily Deanne, third most beautiful granddaughter, was born on March 9 to Mark and Alisa. Her features are a combination of both of her older sisters, face of Natalie and Hannah’s red hair. Mark had a second hospital visit in the interim but was home on his spring break for the birth. We are awaiting pet scan results for him, but are optimistic about the outcome. I have said many prayers of thanks for the opportunity to be alive to welcome Emily to our family. Miracle three . . .
Other goals yet to be realized in the future include Aubri’s graduation from BYU on April 21 and Mark’s graduation from law school in May. I plan to attend Aubri’s graduation and feel such gratitude for the strength that I have to do this.
My hair is about 1/4 inch long. Some days I think I may keep it this long.
I am eating salad and fresh fruits and vegetables again and loving it.
I have the strength to clean my own house.
I am attending Sacrament meeting on Sundays.
I have been able to go to the Temple and enjoy the Spirit there.
My granddaughters are frequent visitors at my home again.
My new fingernails are almost grown out.
I can walk around the block without heavy breathing.
As I ended my visit with the Dr., I asked about the rates of reoccurrence. She said they hadn’t tracked their patients lives after leaving their care, and I realized that even if she had given me an answer I was happy with, no one knows the answer to that except God. I could have a car accident today and die in a totally unrelated cause. I have come to realize even stronger now, that we are all here on the earth to perform a special mission that only we can do. The Lord knows and loves us individually and I need to continue to submit to His will, and follow where He directs me, because He continues to take me to much better places than I could map out on my own. The Miracles will continue as I grow stronger and marvel at the goodness of the Lord in His gift of this second life.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
100 Days!
Today marks 100 days since my stem cell transplant. This is the often-talked-about marker of wellness for stem cell patients to work towards, when they are released from the hospital. 100 days ago seemed like light years away. Today I look back in awe and thankfulness at all the healing and miracles that have occurred. I had my final Ct scan and Pet scan on Valentine's Day to check for any remaining cancer cells, but I won't know the results until my visit with the Dr. on Thursday. I am feeling the best I have through this journey.
Meanwhile, it has been a cra•zy week! In my last blog I mentioned that my son, Mark, was hospitalized for pulmonary embolism. He was able to return home after a week’s stay and is continuing tests to figure out the cause and treatment. Four days after his return, his wife, Alisa, who is due with their third child mid March, had bad pain in the middle of the night and was taken by ambulance to the hospital with possible kidney problems. Luckily she was released the next day with pain meds and began to improve each day. It might have been a kidney stone.
Then my mother began feeling ill the end of the week of Alisa’s hospitalization and went to the Dr., but they sent her home with a fever and other symptoms over the weekend to wait until Monday for tests. When she went for the tests they sent her right over to the emergency room at Baywood Hospital where she was hospitalized (after a 10 hour wait) for an infected gall bladder and operated on the following day. She was released last Thursday, so we have been able to help her, with extra care from my sister who came down from Utah for the weekend. Whew. We hope we are done with hospitals at least until the baby comes.
This week, I will begin teaching again for three mornings a week until after spring break when I will begin full time. I am ready to go back, but it feels like the first day of school approaching and I have a few butterflies in my stomach when I think of going back out into the world. I continue to pray that God will guide me to those paths that He would have me travel during this second life.
I read this quote from Joseph F. McConkie’s devotional address at BYU: “It is not the design of heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations. Rather, it is the Lord’s will that we learn to handle them.
The sense of being overwhelmed is very much a part of the journey. The power with which God clothes us in His holy temples does not imply that our journey will be an easy one.
As we accept our lot and move forward with what the Lord has asked of us, we discover that we enjoy the company of the Holy Ghost, angels feel constrained to join us, and the heavens open to our vision.” (Feb. Ensign, p.29)
I need to be reminded of this as I continue to travel my journey with angels. With my birthday two days away, it will truly be a celebration of life.
Meanwhile, it has been a cra•zy week! In my last blog I mentioned that my son, Mark, was hospitalized for pulmonary embolism. He was able to return home after a week’s stay and is continuing tests to figure out the cause and treatment. Four days after his return, his wife, Alisa, who is due with their third child mid March, had bad pain in the middle of the night and was taken by ambulance to the hospital with possible kidney problems. Luckily she was released the next day with pain meds and began to improve each day. It might have been a kidney stone.
Then my mother began feeling ill the end of the week of Alisa’s hospitalization and went to the Dr., but they sent her home with a fever and other symptoms over the weekend to wait until Monday for tests. When she went for the tests they sent her right over to the emergency room at Baywood Hospital where she was hospitalized (after a 10 hour wait) for an infected gall bladder and operated on the following day. She was released last Thursday, so we have been able to help her, with extra care from my sister who came down from Utah for the weekend. Whew. We hope we are done with hospitals at least until the baby comes.
This week, I will begin teaching again for three mornings a week until after spring break when I will begin full time. I am ready to go back, but it feels like the first day of school approaching and I have a few butterflies in my stomach when I think of going back out into the world. I continue to pray that God will guide me to those paths that He would have me travel during this second life.
I read this quote from Joseph F. McConkie’s devotional address at BYU: “It is not the design of heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations. Rather, it is the Lord’s will that we learn to handle them.
The sense of being overwhelmed is very much a part of the journey. The power with which God clothes us in His holy temples does not imply that our journey will be an easy one.
As we accept our lot and move forward with what the Lord has asked of us, we discover that we enjoy the company of the Holy Ghost, angels feel constrained to join us, and the heavens open to our vision.” (Feb. Ensign, p.29)
I need to be reminded of this as I continue to travel my journey with angels. With my birthday two days away, it will truly be a celebration of life.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Moving Ahead
It was good news at my last Dr. appointment when I saw all my counts go up. My white count is at 3.4 (up from 2.1). Normal is 4-12 so I'm getting there. All the other counts went up, also. Yahoo! She set up my 100 day tests (Ct scan and Pet scan) for the week of Feb. 14 and I will see her on the 24th for results, then she will release me to my regular oncologist.
I am mentally adjusting to the idea of going back to work and as I get stronger, the idea feels better. Because my immune system is still compromised, I will need to be careful of germs, but I will wear my lovely duck mask and gloves. Children are the most accepting about appearances. I went hat shopping and found winter sales on hats I can wear to trade off with my wigs. My hair is coming in black, including eyebrows and eyelashes. It will be interesting to see how it ends up this time.
A change in roles occurred this weekend. My oldest son, Mark, was hospitalized for pulmonary embolism (blood clots in both lungs). It’s serious and he was blessed to go to the ER when he did, (he was experiencing shortness of breath and not feeling well). The Dr. said if he had waited two more days, he wouldn’t have made it. They are doing several tests to determine the cause and one result will come back tomorrow. That will help him know where to go from here. I have been able to tend my granddaughters while his wife is with him and am so grateful I am healthy enough to do this and pray that they will stay healthy this week. However, it’s hard for me to feel like I can be happy and go on with my life while he is in the hospital. I guess that’s what my family felt during my hospitalization. We know he is in the Lord's hands and that he will be guided through this and his little family strengthened. As Mark told me during my battle, "the Lord is aware of what we are going through, but it may not be His will to remove the hard things."
I went to part of my church meetings today for the first time in six months. It was wonderful to feel the same spirit and love in the group, that I had felt while I was home. I sat in the back with my mask and left right after the meeting, thinking I will give it a few more weeks before I begin to mingle. I am so grateful for all of their help on my journey.
My prayers are continual thanks for all that I have gone through and how well I feel now. I still marvel at my freedom at home to choose when and what I eat, when to sleep, and that I have a cozy bathroom instead of a commode. I love the Lord and my second (third?) chance at life! I find myself asking, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” more often, and then doing it.
I am mentally adjusting to the idea of going back to work and as I get stronger, the idea feels better. Because my immune system is still compromised, I will need to be careful of germs, but I will wear my lovely duck mask and gloves. Children are the most accepting about appearances. I went hat shopping and found winter sales on hats I can wear to trade off with my wigs. My hair is coming in black, including eyebrows and eyelashes. It will be interesting to see how it ends up this time.
A change in roles occurred this weekend. My oldest son, Mark, was hospitalized for pulmonary embolism (blood clots in both lungs). It’s serious and he was blessed to go to the ER when he did, (he was experiencing shortness of breath and not feeling well). The Dr. said if he had waited two more days, he wouldn’t have made it. They are doing several tests to determine the cause and one result will come back tomorrow. That will help him know where to go from here. I have been able to tend my granddaughters while his wife is with him and am so grateful I am healthy enough to do this and pray that they will stay healthy this week. However, it’s hard for me to feel like I can be happy and go on with my life while he is in the hospital. I guess that’s what my family felt during my hospitalization. We know he is in the Lord's hands and that he will be guided through this and his little family strengthened. As Mark told me during my battle, "the Lord is aware of what we are going through, but it may not be His will to remove the hard things."
I went to part of my church meetings today for the first time in six months. It was wonderful to feel the same spirit and love in the group, that I had felt while I was home. I sat in the back with my mask and left right after the meeting, thinking I will give it a few more weeks before I begin to mingle. I am so grateful for all of their help on my journey.
My prayers are continual thanks for all that I have gone through and how well I feel now. I still marvel at my freedom at home to choose when and what I eat, when to sleep, and that I have a cozy bathroom instead of a commode. I love the Lord and my second (third?) chance at life! I find myself asking, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” more often, and then doing it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
An Amazing Book
Someone once asked me what I did with all my time. I started to make a list which looked a little flimsy considering I was home all day. Healing. But then my list began to take on more depth as I gained strength. The wedding planning took most of my time prior to Christmas, but since then I have been able to walk more, prepare my own meals, work on family video projects, and read.
Last night I finished one of those great books where a single reading is not enough. The kind that keeps rolling around in your mind until you get back to it. I’m not a night owl who can read a book in one sitting, but this would probably fall into that category of those who do.
The book is an autobiography, And There Was Light, written by Jacques Lusseyran. It had been recommended by a friend in the 90’s when its message was as pertinent to me then as it is now. It wasn’t an easy read because there is so much depth to it, but I discovered a newness about it this second time; a reminder about life, its deeper meaning, and the untapped resources that are available for us to take full advantage of within the soul. In my list of top three, it’s right up there next to The Hiding Place , by Corrie Ten Boom, and The Robe by Douglas.
Jacques was blinded in an accident as a child of eight, and masterfully writes how he used his blindness as a gift instead of a handicap. He is able to describe light, fear, love, music, and friendship in words that paint pictures even though these are intangible. At age 16 he became a leader in the French underground movement during World War II, using his heightened senses to provide leadership, hope, and courage to those around him. As a Christian, he recognized the hand of the Lord in his life, sustaining him through the worst of times. His life makes mine look like a walk in the park.
He ends the book with these “two truths, intimately known to him and reaching beyond all boundaries. The first of these is that joy does not come from outside, for whatever happens to us it is within. The second truth is that light does not come to us from without, Light is in us, even if we have no eyes.” (pg. 312)
It has caused me to become more appreciative and aware of life around me. Gifts freely given that I need to take more advantage of. Happiness, joy, no matter what our circumstances. Living to our full potential. Things I knew, but needed reminding.
Clues I’m getting better:
Wearing clothes about as much as pajamas.
Wearing shoes more than slippers.
Walking to get my mail. (Sweet neighbor used to do this for me.)
Flossing my teeth. (This is big, coming from the sponge toothbrush at the hospital. Sisters were instructed to hide it from me when I was released.)
Last night I finished one of those great books where a single reading is not enough. The kind that keeps rolling around in your mind until you get back to it. I’m not a night owl who can read a book in one sitting, but this would probably fall into that category of those who do.
The book is an autobiography, And There Was Light, written by Jacques Lusseyran. It had been recommended by a friend in the 90’s when its message was as pertinent to me then as it is now. It wasn’t an easy read because there is so much depth to it, but I discovered a newness about it this second time; a reminder about life, its deeper meaning, and the untapped resources that are available for us to take full advantage of within the soul. In my list of top three, it’s right up there next to The Hiding Place , by Corrie Ten Boom, and The Robe by Douglas.
Jacques was blinded in an accident as a child of eight, and masterfully writes how he used his blindness as a gift instead of a handicap. He is able to describe light, fear, love, music, and friendship in words that paint pictures even though these are intangible. At age 16 he became a leader in the French underground movement during World War II, using his heightened senses to provide leadership, hope, and courage to those around him. As a Christian, he recognized the hand of the Lord in his life, sustaining him through the worst of times. His life makes mine look like a walk in the park.
He ends the book with these “two truths, intimately known to him and reaching beyond all boundaries. The first of these is that joy does not come from outside, for whatever happens to us it is within. The second truth is that light does not come to us from without, Light is in us, even if we have no eyes.” (pg. 312)
It has caused me to become more appreciative and aware of life around me. Gifts freely given that I need to take more advantage of. Happiness, joy, no matter what our circumstances. Living to our full potential. Things I knew, but needed reminding.
Clues I’m getting better:
Wearing clothes about as much as pajamas.
Wearing shoes more than slippers.
Walking to get my mail. (Sweet neighbor used to do this for me.)
Flossing my teeth. (This is big, coming from the sponge toothbrush at the hospital. Sisters were instructed to hide it from me when I was released.)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Day 60
(1-13)I just returned from my Dr. visit, but to fully understand my anticipation for today’s visit, we need to rewind to my check up on Dec. 30. I had just participated in the wedding activities and family Christmas parties and was feeling great. When they checked my labs, all of my blood counts had dropped from the time before, especially my white cell count. The Dr. had expected to be able to release me to my other oncologist, but then she decided to keep me until today to recheck everything. She mentioned a bone marrow test if the counts did not improve. She had me stop all supplements and an antibiotic.
I have felt better and stronger each day and had asked my family to fast and pray for me. I knew I was in the Lord’s hands, and that this was a time to work on my faith. He could easily change my blood levels, but if this was a bump in the road, then I prayed that I would be strengthened to handle whatever I needed to. Then there were other less faithful days when I thought if it was a bump, I would just crawl under the beautiful hand made quilt on my bed and not come out.
The results today showed the white blood cell count at 2.1 which was down from 2.5 last time, but the other numbers were up, which meant to her that the little stemmies were trying to get the WBC up. Even though it wasn’t where she had hoped it would be, she said it was good and to come back in two more weeks. She couldn’t explain why, but said sometimes they fluctuate, or I had a virus. Yea! My sister and Mother went as my cheerleaders and they were happy, too.
This picture of my granddaughters, taken by their mother, says it all.
I have felt better and stronger each day and had asked my family to fast and pray for me. I knew I was in the Lord’s hands, and that this was a time to work on my faith. He could easily change my blood levels, but if this was a bump in the road, then I prayed that I would be strengthened to handle whatever I needed to. Then there were other less faithful days when I thought if it was a bump, I would just crawl under the beautiful hand made quilt on my bed and not come out.
The results today showed the white blood cell count at 2.1 which was down from 2.5 last time, but the other numbers were up, which meant to her that the little stemmies were trying to get the WBC up. Even though it wasn’t where she had hoped it would be, she said it was good and to come back in two more weeks. She couldn’t explain why, but said sometimes they fluctuate, or I had a virus. Yea! My sister and Mother went as my cheerleaders and they were happy, too.
While we were waiting for the lab results to come back a patient slowly walked by us with his IV pole and caregiver following. I had done this routine many times because they encouraged us to get out of bed and walk as much as we could. It is a tedious, energy draining exercise, so I cheered him on as he passed. He asked if I had been through the process. He was on day 12 and having a bad day, so the very presence of someone on day 60 being up, dressed, and feeling good, seemed to boost him. I remember when the Lord placed people in my path on that floor to give me encouragement and hope.
It was another reminder that one of our main purposes is to help each other on this journey. My friend in Queen Creek has volunteered with “London’s Run” for several years and compares life with a race. "We all begin at birth and end at death. It doesn't matter how one finishes the race--whether you have riches, are popular, or poor, etc., all that matters is how many people we have helped along the way."
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Chrysalis is Opening
(Sat.) I’m writing this as three cute boys and a dad are blowing my front tree leaves into piles. This is just the beginning of my January ‘fall’ with this tree. There are squeals of laughter as they enjoy balancing the rakes on their hands, examine bugs, and try to get a pile big enough to jump into. That last activity probably won’t occur for a few more weeks. It’s sweet service like this that has blessed my life this season.
I began crawling out of my chrysalis a little more this past week. One morning I was able to go to the sparsely attended first showing of the Disney movie, “Tangled”, with Alisa and Natalie, four years old. It did my heart good to watch this darling show as Natalie sat spellbound for her second time. Then on another beautiful afternoon, I met them at a park near their home to watch both granddaughters play for a short time. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair”, became the theme at the slides.
Another sunshiny day I decided to go to the Riparian Preserve for the first time in months. I didn’t have the strength to walk around the lake this time, but I was able to go to my special spot and sit under the tree by the stream. It has become one of my sacred groves where I can think, relax, pray, and just enjoy the beauty of nature, feeling like I am away from the rest of the world. I don’t know what I would do without sanctuaries like this. I have several places that have become dear to my heart including the plum tree grove in the back of my Snowflake home growing up as a child. I would retreat there if I had a problem to solve, or just needed to think. I could see the rest of the family in the house, but I was by myself hidden by the small trees. I didn’t think of it as my sacred grove at that time, but now I know it was.
Wedding pictures were ready this week and thanks to Alisa’s great editing, I was able to place an order for prints which kept my mind on happy things. The newlyweds are busy setting up their own world, so these keep me close to them and the wonderful memories from the big event. Organizing pictures, making dvds, and preserving family memories are probably my most favorite things to do. Now I have the time.
Heavenly Father is so good to me. So many blessings, as well as helping me to feel stronger each day. My next Dr. appointment is on the 13th and it’s an important one. I’ll update after that.
I began crawling out of my chrysalis a little more this past week. One morning I was able to go to the sparsely attended first showing of the Disney movie, “Tangled”, with Alisa and Natalie, four years old. It did my heart good to watch this darling show as Natalie sat spellbound for her second time. Then on another beautiful afternoon, I met them at a park near their home to watch both granddaughters play for a short time. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair”, became the theme at the slides.
Another sunshiny day I decided to go to the Riparian Preserve for the first time in months. I didn’t have the strength to walk around the lake this time, but I was able to go to my special spot and sit under the tree by the stream. It has become one of my sacred groves where I can think, relax, pray, and just enjoy the beauty of nature, feeling like I am away from the rest of the world. I don’t know what I would do without sanctuaries like this. I have several places that have become dear to my heart including the plum tree grove in the back of my Snowflake home growing up as a child. I would retreat there if I had a problem to solve, or just needed to think. I could see the rest of the family in the house, but I was by myself hidden by the small trees. I didn’t think of it as my sacred grove at that time, but now I know it was.
Wedding pictures were ready this week and thanks to Alisa’s great editing, I was able to place an order for prints which kept my mind on happy things. The newlyweds are busy setting up their own world, so these keep me close to them and the wonderful memories from the big event. Organizing pictures, making dvds, and preserving family memories are probably my most favorite things to do. Now I have the time.
Heavenly Father is so good to me. So many blessings, as well as helping me to feel stronger each day. My next Dr. appointment is on the 13th and it’s an important one. I’ll update after that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)