Saturday, July 24, 2010 "The cancer returns"
Welcome to my blog. During my first go round with cancer in Jan. 2008, I had an email list to send out updates and thoughts and I loved it and the responses I got. However, after reading a few family blogs, I decided this would be the better way to go.
I spent today making a list of titles for my blog, checking their availability, crossing off, starting again, and surveying my children’s thoughts. Most of them had the word cancer, beat, and I in them, which really don’t go together, because I found out the last time, winning the cancer battle is a team effort. I was inspired with the title, A Journey with Angels, because that is what it is, angels in heaven, angels on earth, all working together to buoy me up and strengthen me as the Lord upholds and leads me through this.
I remembered one of my favorite scriptures which illustrates this, found in D&C 84:88, “And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”
One week ago today I picked up my regular six month pet scan report. I had become familiar with the impressive language from the report readers during the past two years and would quickly scan the reports until the words, “no abnormal hypermetabolic activity to suggest recurrent disease at this time”, found their way into my brain and made me smile. I had celebrated remission from the first go-round with lymphoma, in May of 2008, and called it my sacred journey. I had learned much and saw miracles occur. This new three page report, however, had big ugly words. The cancer had returned and that news took my breath away, because I was feeling strong and filling my days with new family computer projects. There was not room in my calendar for chemo right now. However, I had been having repeated night sweats and as much as I tried to convince myself they were due to hormones, I had a feeling something was not right.
On Monday, my oncologist confirmed my suspicions that the lymphoma had returned and is in many of my body lymph nodes this time. I had a biopsy yesterday for him to determine if it is the same kind or different. He will then know what kind of chemo mix I will need for the first 2 rounds in the hospital. I meet with him on Wed. to determine the course of action in this new battle. If it looks like the chemo is killing off the cancer cells, I could be a candidate for a stem cell transplant at Good Sam, but I meet to consult with that Dr. in another week.
Although I am physically stronger this time to start the fight, I have used the week to mentally grasp this new direction of my life. I will not be starting school for the first time in 20 years, and will be either in my home or in the hospital in a visitor restricted condition for quite a while. This won't start until after the chemo begins.
I realized this time that cancer is a another type of loss. It’s loss of one’s life as they knew it, loss of normal family contact, and temporary or longer loss of one’s job. I went through the grieving process, which caught me off guard, until I realized this. I was in shock, then anger, sadness, then back to shock/disbelief, and mourning. I’m sure I will continue to feel these emotions for a while.
I have also used this time to list the blessings that are connected with this diagnosis.
1. Great time to be bald. I found out last time that hair is so overrated. It will be cooler, I don’t have to style it, and won’t even have to worry about it in the hospital.
2. My insurance will cover the stem cell procedure AND Good Samaritan Hospital is also in the coverage.
3. My school will hold my job for me.
4. Aubri is home for another month.
5. I saved my wigs!
I know the Lord will lead me through this fight as He has in the past. I look forward to miracles.
